Fark!

I’m feeling super flat this week. I was made redundant from my job on Tuesday. Yep, again.

I was totally blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. I don’t work Tuesdays, but I had just spent all of Augie’s morning nap doing work anyway. My new boss called and so I immediately knew something was wrong because she’s never called me. Funnily enough, I felt so secure in my job that I thought someone else must have been fired or quit and they were just filling me in. Ha ha.

Nope. My boss very coldly read off the script she was given telling me I no longer held a position there and that I needed to bring my laptop and swipe card back. The whole thing took about 5 minutes and that was that. I haven’t heard anything more from them. It feels so weird that I’m just never going back to work.

Pretty much my whole team was made redundant because they are decentralising the department. Meaning that instead of one national marketing team, they will have localised marketing in each state.

Last time I was made redundant it felt completely different. I saw it coming so it wasn’t such a shock and I hated my job so it was essentially a good thing (even though I was pissed off at the time). Last time I took it quite personally because I was the only one made redundant. So I was a bit bitter about the whole situation, but hopeful that I’d end up happier.

This time I don’t feel embarrassed because I know it wasn’t personal. But, I just feel gutted to have lost my job for so many reasons. Mostly because this is the first job I have ever had that I liked. I loved the projects I was working on at the moment. Since I came back from maternity leave I somehow managed to hold onto the good parts of my job and let go of the parts I hated. I would actually do it for free, that’s how much I love it.

I also feel like it’s unlikely that I’m going to be able to find meaningful employment part time. I’m not ready to go back full time yet because I’m loving the time at home with Augie. I want that (elusive) balance of family and career and, for me, that means only working part time. I don’t want to just take any crappy job because if I’m going to be away from Augie, it needs to be worth it. But, part time jobs are hard to find. Good ones anyway. What happens if I can’t find work and the career that I have been working to build for years just dissolves???

Plus, I just feel exhausted at the idea of doing my resume, going to job interviews, learning a new job and bonding with new colleagues. I seriously can’t be fucked. I don’t have the energy for it right now.

Look, as down as I’m feeling about this situation, I know this isn’t a real problem. My loved ones are all healthy and I have a roof over my head. So while I’m having a little pity party, I know that things could be worse. Plus, this gives me more time to read books in my pjs with this little guy. So I’m ok.

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Rut

I’m not sure if life is getting me down or if I am down and it’s making my life seem shit. What came first, the chicken or the egg? All I can say right now is that I feel like I am in a rut.

Work is just so hard, my house build has been delayed and I don’t know where I am going to live, this infertility stuff is doing my head in and I feel lonely without any family around. I feel overwhelmed and like I have nothing to look forward to right now.

I am starting to wonder if the fertility drug I have been taking, Clomid, is part of the issue because I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have severe PMS symptoms all of the time. I am turning into a horrible snappy bitch that I don’t recognise. I’m not sure if I can take the drug much longer or what that might mean for me.

I am really letting it all get to me and I am trying to suffocate the stress with food and alcohol. I am eating poorly, drinking too much and now my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’s a vicious bloody cycle.

The one thing I can do to help myself is take better care of my health. Eating a diet of potato chips and red wine might feel good in the short term, but it’s obviously not helping. Even though we are heading into the Christmas season, I am committing to focus on better eating and cut down on drinking. I’m going to make choices that my future self will thank me for, even if my current self wants sugar and salt.

In all the darkness, here is the light, I became and aunty on 22nd October. Her name is Penelope Jennifer (Jennifer is after my mum) but we mostly call her Polly. I was lucky enough to be able to fly to Sydney when my sister-in-law went into labour and be there to give her cuddles right away. I can’t wait to see her again at Christmas, I miss her so much!

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My first meeting with my niece

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Proud grandparents

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Juggling baby and dog, no problem!

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2 weeks old (dimples!)

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Looking just like my mum and brother

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Angel

 

 

 

Valium and Netflix

I just realised that I have been in my ‘new’ job for 8 weeks now. It feels like 8 seconds and 8 years at the same time.

I’m not sure if I have ever worked as hard in my life as I have in this job. Or maybe I am just feeling old and tired? Actually, I think that might be it.

I don’t know if I have the energy to establish myself in yet another job. I just feel tired and like I have lost the drive I once had around my career. I was so happy during my 2 month period of unemployment and I miss that feeling a lot.

I think that being made redundant in my last job kind of changed me. I don’t feel bitter or angry about it, but I guess I just find it hard to trust that my hard work will be rewarded or even valued. It makes me wonder why I am killing myself in yet another job and where it will get me. See, I am getting old and cynical!

All of this work stress, even though it’s mostly been manufactured in my own head, has left me feeling particularly anxious lately. I feel overwhelmed by simple tasks (OMG I have to wash my hair…), I’m being snappy to AJ (Close the effing fridge door!) and I’m protective of my personal time (What do you mean you said we’d babysit your sister’s kids all day Saturday?). Thank god for Valium and Netflix.

Despite all of this, I have managed to stick to my healthy eating goals (for the most part). I find that often when I am in the eye of the storm I can stay focussed on eating well. The adrenalin from my anxiety keeps me going. It’s not until everything slows down that I completely crash and burn into a pit of chocolate wrappers. I am determined not to let that happen this time. I’m on high alert!

I should mention that there are some perks to my new job. My company has ties to my favourite football team, which has meant I got to spend some time with these nice guys (and a few others). Swoon.

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Me with Mitch Duncan and Tom Hawkins from Geelong Football Club

The Hunger

Well I have almost finished up my first three weeks in my new job… and it only feels like three years… I think it’s safe to say that I am not one of those people who would choose to work if they didn’t have to. Obviously those people are insane.

Anyway, all this hard work has given me THE HUNGER. I just want to eat and eat and then eat some more. Why does thinking make me so hungry?

It’s not exactly unusual for me to turn to food when I am stressed (or happy or sad or excited or depressed or bored). So I am just trying to make good choices and not worry too much about weight loss. If I can get through my first few months in this job without gaining a stack of weight, I will call that a victory.

Exercise has not been a priority for me right now. I am working fairly long hours and it’s the dead of winter, so let’s face it, who can be arsed? I am walking about 25 minutes each way (a slow walk) to my tram stop to get to and from work, so at least I am getting some movement in most days.

I have to say that I am not exactly loving life right now, so I am just going to channel my inner Britney.

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I feel better already!

Bra Shopping

I made a new years resolution this year to do one simple thing. Buy some good bras.

Lets do that

Well it sounds simple, but buying the perfect fitting bra has always evaded me. Mostly due to my own lack of effort.

Since I had lower body lift surgery a couple of years back my body shape has really changed and I now have huge boobs. Well, not just boobs, but back fat too (yay!). So I am pretty top heavy and I really need to be doing more to support those big things. My normal routine of going to Target and buying a bra that looked around the right size and was under $25 was no longer working for me.

My left boob is also almost a full size bigger than my right side. There isn’t much I can do about that, but I just wanted to share that little gem with you. Why don’t they make bras that cater to us uneven chested women? Or maybe it is just me with this problem?

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So on Saturday I made it my mission to find a bra that fit me properly. I wasn’t particularly excited by this task, especially because I tore my rotator cuff in December and just putting a bra on every day is painful, let alone trying on 20 at the one time. It was a necessary evil though because I had recently purchased two dresses that needed some assistance in the bra stakes. So I psyched myself up for it.

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It turns out that if you are over a size 14 or above a D cup you are going to have a lot of trouble finding a good bra in Australia. It’ll be even harder to find one that doesn’t look like it belongs to your grandmother. The whole experience really sucked and reminded me why I don’t normally put in any effort with bra shopping. I was surrounded by beautiful bras and only about 5% of them came in my size (18 DD). Damn it.

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Then I was walking past City Chic and thought I would have a little look and see if they had any bras. I totally struck gold. Why didn’t I know that City Chic have the best plus size bras?

The City Chic bras managed to encase my big boobies, lift them up without my cup spilling over and control my back fat situation.

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I probably need to keep working on my quest to find the perfect bra (if such a thing exists), but I have made a good start. My next step would be to get professionally fitted, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet.

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This is not a sponsored post. I only dream of people paying me for shit like this.

Too Fat for Lipo

Ugh… I had a shitty week, but TGIF I suppose.

I’ve had some challenges at work, I got my first ever migraine (aura and everything), fell over outside my work and had a miserable doctors appointment.

So the doctors appointment… I decided to go back to see the plastic surgeon who did my body lift to ask about some liposuction on my lower back. I had always been unhappy with my lower back after my surgery because it bulges out, instead of curving in like a back should. It makes me feel very insecure and I go to a lot of lengths to try and cover it up. I thought a little lipo might help the issue.

Turns out that I am too fat for lipo.

embarrassing

My surgeon asked me how much I weighed and I told him that I don’t weigh myself, he said ‘maybe that is your problem’. Ouch. So, at his insistence, I got on the scales and the number was 88.5 kilos (194.7 lbs). Admittedly, this was much higher than I anticipated. I genuinely thought I was at least 5 kilos less than that. Damn it.

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Then he gave me a lecture on how I need to go back and see my lap band doctor and use my lap band properly… blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I had difficulty with it, but I could tell he just thought that I was full of shit. He was so pro-lap band that it wasn’t worth discussing further.

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He said he wouldn’t do anything with my back until I lost 10 kilos. Even though he admitted that weight loss wouldn’t really improve my back issues. If I was braver, I would have said that I thought he should have fixed my lower back issues properly in the first surgery (I didn’t because I am a scaredy cat).

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I’m not saying he was wrong, he is the expert after all, but his delivery could have done with a little work… What really frustrated me was that he didn’t understand that I could be OK with myself at my current weight and that I just wanted to fix an issue that puts my body out of proportion. I guess a cosmetic surgery is not the best place to try and be body positive… ha ha!

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I left the appointment feeling pretty stupid and $225 poorer. The whole experience completely put me off the idea of having lipo for now.

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So that means I can put my money toward much more important things.

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