Regrets

Something I’ve thought a lot about lately is do I regret having kids?

It has made me feel ridiculously guilty to even ask myself the question. My kids are literally the lights of my life and I love them more than I thought I could love anything. But I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

I wish I knew how to be a parent and not lose every part of myself.

I wish I could get some sleep. I wish that I had time to shower every day. I wish I could finish a cup of tea. I wish my house wasn’t always being destroyed by kids. I wish I didn’t need a strategic plan to go to the shops. I wish I didn’t have to do washing every god damned day. I wish I could lay on my bed and read a book and be left alone. I wish I had the energy to put into my relationship. I wish that I was able to be a better friend. I wish I had a job out of the home that made me feel useful (and made me money!). I wish that I thought about things more interesting than how to get my kid to eat veggies. I wish that my greatest achievement of the day isn’t getting a kid to brush his teeth and hair. I wish I wasn’t so worried all the time that I’m fucking up my kids and being a horrible parent.

The silly thing is that I know many mums who do manage these things really well. So why can’t I? I’ve asked myself that a lot and the answer is that every parent and every kid is different. If August wasn’t so shy perhaps I could have put him in childcare and gone back to work properly. If I wasn’t such a worrier maybe I could leave the kids with other people more. If I had family support around I could probably go out on a date night or get my hair done with less drama. We can only do our best to parent the kids we have in our own way with the resources we have. Comparing myself to other mums doesn’t help. Though I find it almost impossible not to do it.

Ultimately I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t regret having kids at all. I just regret that I don’t have balance in my life. I regret that I have no support system. I regret moving away from my friends network. I regret that my family lives so far away. I regret how much my relationship is suffering. I regret that I’m not as patient and selfless as I thought I was. I regret that I’m a “busy mum” cliche. But I mostly regret that my mum isn’t here to help me.

Right now I’m in the thick of it. Toddler, new baby, pandemic, new house. It’s a lot. I will move through this stage and work toward finding the balance I want to have. It’s important to me and will only make me a better mum. And I will sleep again one day…

Ranting & Raving

Another day, another daycare drop off… I’ve been taking Augie 2-3 times a week for a couple of hours for a few weeks now. It’s still really, really, really hard. He cries at drop off and says “mummy come too” and “mummy give me cuddles”. We talk a lot at home about going to school and he says: “Augie go to school and mummy do work and Augie be sad”. Ahhhh literally heartbroken. 💔

Despite that, he actually does seem to have fun. He’s happy to get ready and go to school, happy to walk in the door and find his room. He’s only sad that I can’t stay with him. I tell him a story every night about an “Augie adventure” normally he asks me to tell him about going to the zoo or museum or Nanoo and Poppy’s, but last night he asked me to tell him about school, so that seemed like a good sign.

It’s been a bumpier start too because he had to change rooms last week as apparently they had combined two age groups during the quiet summer holiday period. Then his room leader, that he was slowly forming an attachment to, tragically had a stroke last week (she’s healthy and in her early twenties). I believe she is going to be ok, but will be off work for a long time while she rehabilitates. So he’s got two new room teachers now too. So I think he’s doing an amazing job to adjust so well. I just had no idea how sickening this mum guilt could be. It is the worst. 😭

On another note, I have a big rant coming up. A comment was made to AJ by a close family member of his when he told them we were having another baby and I can’t stop stewing on it. I wasn’t there when it was said so I wasn’t able to respond and AJ was too stunned to say anything at the time. The comment was “does this mean if you have a girl you’ll stop dressing Augie like a girl”. Hmmmmm. 😤

I have soooo much to say about this comment. Firstly, we don’t dress August like a girl, we dress him in clothes that we both like and that he likes. We don’t believe that because he is a boy that he can’t enjoy pink, florals, rainbows, unicorns, frills and pastels. In fact, we strongly believe that allowing him to be in touch with things that are considered “feminine” will serve him well in his future to be a well rounded human who is in touch with his emotions.

I don’t want to be dramatic, but I am aware of the terribly high numbers of male suicide and also the culture we have of toxic masculinity. I want to raise my son to be a happy, resilient, respectful and kind human and I feel it starts here.

It’s not just clothes, we encourage him to enjoy everything the world has to offer and not just the 50% of things that are socially acceptable for a boy to do. I’ve been shocked by comments from my ‘mum friends’ when they say their husbands wouldn’t allow their sons to have dolls or even a toy kitchen. I honestly lived in a bubble and didn’t know people still felt that way.

I guess I’m extra mad because I’ve seen the looks and heard the little comments from many people about how August is dressed and the fact he has long hair. Unfortunately, I was open in my last pregnancy when people asked if I wanted a boy or girl and told people I wanted a girl. I now know that I shouldn’t have been so honest because people use this against you. It hurts my heart that anyone would think I’m disappointed in August’s gender at all and that I would try and change him. In fact, it’s the opposite, I just want him to have the world.

Case in point: playing dress ups with his friends at playgroup and was thrilled to find a skirt to twirl in. Why would anyone deny such joy? 🥰

Ahhhh :(

Honestly, winter can fuck off.

Augie is sick again. He’s been sick constantly since the start of May. This brings with it behaviour issues, no sleep and just misery for everyone. It’s been cold and wet so it’s hard to do anything outside and he refuses to wear a jacket or hat. I still try to take him to the park and he won’t get out of the car, but what else can I do to occupy him? I took him to the indoor trampoline centre and he just lay on the trampolines.

We go into Melbourne as much as possible to go to the Melbourne Museum and Scienceworks, which I can’t recommend enough for babies and toddlers. It’s amazing. If I lived in Melbourne, I’d go every day. Spring is just around the corner so I just need to hang in there. We are going to Sydney this week and it’s a full 10 degrees warmer there every day. Insane. Why don’t we move to Sydney?

Well in other news, I lost my job last week. Yep, this is the third time in a row I have been made redundant. Un-fucking-believable. I thought it was coming for a while so it wasn’t a shock. The whole team were made redundant because the company has no money, so I guess I can’t take it personally. In many ways, it’s a relief because I was burning the candle at both ends to work 25 hours and still be a full time stay at home mum. I was kind of killing myself and felt like I was a shit mum and a shit employee so it was causing me a lot of stress.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do now. I had a good situation where I was mostly working from home. I live a long way from the CBD so it makes it difficult to find work. I also just don’t think Augie is ready for childcare yet. He’s incredibly shy and I just don’t want to put him through that trauma. I really wanted to wait to put him in childcare when it was best for him, not when it suited me. I’m not sure I’ll always have that luxury, in fact I may need to start checking out childcare centres very soon.

Augie had a 2 year check up with the child and maternal health nurse a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t a great experience. She got in his face immediately to engage him and upset him and just didn’t seem to understand he was shy (then she refused to let him have a sticker unless he came and took it from her, which he was too scared to do). She gave me a massive lecture that I rock him to sleep and said I was hurting him and it was very sad for him that he needed to be rocked to sleep. She told me he should go to sleep school and when I mentioned that I understand they let kids cry it out at sleep school and she said that’s what he needs to learn to sleep. I’m not at all supportive of cry it out methods for our family and I’m finding it frustrating that it seems to be the norm in our culture. When I talk to friends, or other mums or read sleep advice online it always leads to cry it out methods. I end up feeling like I need to defend my gentle approach. I think I just need to stop talking to people about it. The next time someone asks me how he’s sleeping, I should just say “fine”.

She also did an autism screening test, which he passed fine as it was just about making eye contact, pointing at things, recognising his name, creative play and things like that. I did raise with her that I had niggling concerns about him being different to other kids. I don’t know how else to say it, but he just isn’t the same as other kids at playgroups or my friend’s kids. I like to say he’s quirky, but I do worry it’s more than that. He’s obviously very shy, he’s obsessed with fans (which is an autism factor), if we go somewhere he just plays with the fire hydrants or other weird things and not the toys, he gets obsessed with opening doors and flicking on lights, sometimes when I sing or put on music he says “stop” like the noise upsets him (I do have a terrible singing voice). I don’t know what is just being a toddler and what is different. I really wish my mum was here because she had three kids and I’m sure she’d be able to give me some guidance.

It plays on my mind a lot. I’m not sure if it’s heightened because about 6 years ago I worked with a girl who was pregnant with a baby boy and she was obsessed with worrying he would have autism (he doesn’t). I don’t know if I would have actually thought about it if it wasn’t for that experience. AJ just recently reminded me that my mum used to say she thought I was autistic when I was young (which I’m not) so maybe it’s just hereditary traits. I guess all I know is that I think he’s perfect as he is right now and I don’t want him to change. But I still worry.

I’ve been quite down in the dumps lately from work stress, lack of sleep, feeling lonely, gaining weight, financial pressures, missing my mum and a lot of small things. I decided last night I need to do 3 things to feel better:

1. Count my blessings to have AJ and Augie
2. Be of service to the community in a charitable way
3. Exercise

Wish me luck.

23 Months. OMFG!

I can’t even cope with the fact I have an almost 2 year old. Wow, 2 year olds are so old. I used to look at 2 year olds at the park or on mummy instagram accounts and think they were practically adults. Now I have a 23 month old on my hands. But, I will not complain about Augie getting older because getting older is a joy and a privilege that not everyone gets to experience.

Last month we were at the end of a horrible sickness for Augie. I was feeling pretty low and wondering if my gorgeous boy was ever going to snap out of it, but he did eventually. We’ve had some rough days/nights with his back molars starting to come in, but nothing we can’t handle.

This month we went on a big family adventure with a trip to Uluru for my step mum’s 50th Birthday. It was an amazing holiday with my dad, step mum, brother, sister-in-law and niece. We had a direct flight to Uluru and it was only 3 hours. Augie was fantastic, he slept and then played and watched the iPad on both flights. Uluru was incredible and I’d love to go back one day and have more time to soak it all up and do some hikes.

We stayed at the big resort there and had 3 apartments all next door to each other, which worked out awesomely because we could all come and go and still hang out while the kids slept. We did the fancy Sounds of Silence dinner, a helicopter flight, spa afternoon and the Field of Lights. The only hard part were the flies. I bought a fly net after less than an hour there. I could not handle it. 😣

So I’m not sure if Augie has had a development period, but everyone says he looks massive all of a sudden and his speech and awareness has just gone nuts. He’s often talking in [short] sentences now. Things like saying “eat eat eat apples and bananas” which is a Wiggles song he likes. Tonight we were reading a book and he said the line “hurrah it’s a party”. It’s definitely a lot easier when he can communicate like this now. Though one funny thing he does is say “more” when he wants something, but I often don’t know what he wants, so I’ll say “more what?” and he just says “more PLEASE”. Hmmm, great manners, but not helpful.

Right now his favourite things are “this little piggy”, riding his little bike inside, washing the dishes {making mess} and watching cars drive past outside through the window. He is also constantly picking up AJ’s tins of mints and spilling them all on the floor and saying “oh no… mints” and claps his hands on his face like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone. Now whenever ever he has any accident he says “oh no… mints” even though mints were not involved. It’s very cute.

He’s finally starting to get into colouring and has learnt all his colours now and loves pointing them out everywhere we go. We have a google powered light in the office and you can change the colour with voice activation so he just yells at it all day “OK Google PURPLE! BLUE! PINK”. He’s even learned fuschia, magenta, gold, vermilion (apparently that’s a colour). His memory is insane, we drove into Melbourne the other day and he started saying “Fishies! Owls!” because he realised we were near the aquarium (he calls penguins “owls”. I think he’s going to be smarter than me soon.

Some other things:

• His 2 year old molars are coming in… it’s tough going
• Won’t ever say “yes”, every answer is “naaaah”
• Does not like wearing clothes (or god forbid a jacket). It’s a constant battle
• Balloons, balls and bubbles are life
• Loves to sit on a step and say “ahhh comfy”
• Will not eats vegetable to save his life
• Asks to take a photo and holds my phone up at a selfie angle
• Must have two of every food- one for each hand

Something has happened in the last month and he’s suddenly super clingy with me. He has always been a total daddy’s boy. He would literally shove me away and scream for DAD-EEEEE. But now he’s just all about mum. He snuggles into me, touches my face and says “mu-um” in the sweetest voice. I won’t lie, I bloody love it. Finally!!!

I’m not sure if it’s just winter, but I am feeling a bit down lately. I’ve been regretting our decision to live away from friends and family and just feel so isolated. I’ve been making a concerted effort to hang out with people more and it really helps, but I’m just not loving our new house out in the suburbs. I miss our little house by the beach and our city townhouse. I don’t think I’m cut out for the suburbs. Where to next I wonder? I’m getting sick of moving around, but I just haven’t found the right place yet.

*****

Literally as I was writing this and about to post a week ago, I hear a little voice on the baby monitor saying “mum” super quiet… I investigate and we have projectile vomit. Poor little guy was throwing up for 2 hours. Thankfully he seemed to get it out of his system and he was perfectly fine the next day.

Never a dull moment! Actually that’s a lie, there are plenty of dull moments in parenting… 😝

17 Months + Christmas

Well Augie is not far off 18 months so I’m running behind on this update.

We’ve had a crazy month with Christmas and lots of family and travel and lack of routine. It was a lot of fun but I’m glad to be back to normal now. Augie does better with routine and so do I!

Augie is happy Christmas is over because he is so shy and having so many people in his face over the Christmas period was tough on him. Poor guy spent the entire time with his face in my armpit. He’s starting to worry me slightly with his shyness. He never participates in the activities I take him to or even looks like he’s enjoying himself. I just don’t want him to miss out on the fun. I mentioned it to someone at work and they said it makes sense because I’m so shy, which I thought I hid well, but obviously not.

As usual, August has blown me away with what he understands and what he’s capable of now. He actually does what I ask him to do, like “can you pass this book to dad” and he does or “do you want to go to the park?” and he goes and stands by the garage door (shouting “car”). The funny thing is, my niece visited for four days over Christmas (she is nine months older than him) the difference was insane! Augie seemed like a little baby in comparison to her level of capability, comprehension and language skills. So I guess he’s still more baby than toddler.

Funny things August does lately…

• Stands on the couch and says “sit” and then sits down and laughs hysterically. But “sit” sounds a lot more like “shit”.

• When we get near our house in the car he shouts “hurrah” when we get to the same place because he’s happy to be home.

• When he sees my phone he shouts “shark” because we sometimes put Baby Shark on for him and he bloody loves it. In fact, if he gets hold of my phone he knows how to push the kids YouTube app and then push the shark video to play it. WTF. I don’t let him go bear my phone if possible!

• Just loves the swing at the park. I try to find quiet parks so he can have the swing for 20 minutes and not hog it from other kids.

• Brushes my hair for me when I’m putting him to bed and brushing his hair.

• Loves to give his Poppy and Nanny kisses on FaceTime.

• Just obsessed with his books. We read books all day and now he knows what’s going to happen when we’re reading and gets excited and says his favourite words. Hearing him say “koala” is very cute.

• Tantrums are a thing now. If I don’t let him close the car door or turn the light switch off or climb up the stairs himself he has a little meltdown. I feel like this is only going to get worse too… I’m bracing myself.
• Puts his dirty nappy in the nappy bin for me (and says “yuck”).

I really enjoyed having two weeks off work over Christmas. I get a great sense of pride in working (and obviously the money is handy to say the least), but I really needed that break. Having that two hours to myself while he slept every day was heaven. I often sat in the beanbag outside with a beer and read my book. Bliss.

With my niece and sister in law

The greatest part was not having to leave Augie for a full day every week. He’s always really clingy to his dad after I work because I disappear for 24 hours and I guess he’s confused. It seemed to bring us much closer together when I wasn’t leaving him.

Getting this child to go to sleep is still a mystery to me. Honestly, I spend way too much time agonising over this issue. He just fights sleep at bedtime and will be up until 10.00 pm. A week ago we started waking him at 7.00 am (he’d normally sleep much later) and only letting him sleep 2 hours for his nap (he’d easily sleep 3 or more if I let him). This is in the hope he’ll go to bed at a reasonable time.

We’ve had moderate success. He’s going to bed earlier, but it’s still a massive battle. In fact, it got so hard this week I took him to the doctor because I worried he had an ear infection or something for him to be so upset (he doesn’t). It was so insane and completely out of character. He is hysterical if I try to hold him in any nursing position. It does look like he’s getting his eye teeth right now and I’ve read about an 18 month sleep regression so I can only think it’s one or both of these issues. Or he’s just having a tough time. Poor little guy, it just breaks my heart to see him upset.

Oh, and I don’t want to harp on about this because I’m very anti-diet culture and hating on yourself (I’ve done enough of that on this blog). I well over-did it with food and wine at Christmas (actually, it was all of December). I don’t feel good and I don’t know why I ate so much. None of my clothes fit me now and it’s frustrating. I’m happy to be eating better and I hope to feel better soon.

It’s great timing to be reading my lovely friend, Ailsa’s, new book Perfectly Imperfect. I met Ailsa through blogging as we had similar experiences and we’ve become great friends. When I first read her blog I was more interested in her thoughts on weight loss surgery and body image. Now that I’m a mum, I have a whole new appreciation for how she navigated motherhood, especially with a husband who was a FIFO worker. She’s an amazing inspiration and her book is just hitting the spot right now. 🙌
Perfectly Imperfect: Raw reflections on body image, mothering, love and loneliness (that you don’t usually share)

Week 23: 24 March

How far along: Week 23, my lucky number!

How big is baby: Baby weighs about as much as a mango, which is a little over 500 grams and measures 29 cm from crown to heel.

Sleep: It’s OK, my bump isn’t big enough to affect my sleep yet, but my bladder pressure and insomnia keep me awake a bit. It’s not too bad though. I think I am used to it now.

Symptoms: I think my feet are getting a tiny bit swollen. I have never had a problem with puffy feet before, but this week I noticed some indentations in my feet after I took off my heels at the end of the work day. It might be time to switch to flats.

Best moment of this week: I should be saying hearing bub’s heartbeat again at my obstetrician’s appointment, but in all honesty, it was sitting in bed on Saturday afternoon watching property shows and reading baby books with a block of dark chocolate. Bliss.

Miss anything: Having clothes that fit me. Almost everyday I have to retire another piece of clothing that is bursting at the seams or cutting off my circulation. My bump is still not really big enough to wear maternity clothes, so I’m stuck in limbo. This is a photo I took of myself at work the other day to amuse AJ.

Movement: Lots and lots of movement! AJ even felt the baby move for the first time this week. Bubs was going crazy and so I called him over to feel. Pretty cool!

Food cravings: My head wants pizza, but my heart(burn) doesn’t want to risk it.

Anything making you queasy or sick: I just need to look at food to get heartburn. Ouch. On top of the heartburn, I get chest pain after I eat which feels like having a heart attack. I raised the issue with my obstetrician again and she reassured me it was normal and not to worry. It makes me very selective on what I choose to eat, which I guess is probably a good thing…

Gender: ???

How’s your mood: Feeling a bit tired and worn out this week. I’ve started to seriously question how long I can continue working in such a high pressure job while I’m pregnant. I find it so mentally and physically exhausting to deal with while I am growing this baby. I am set to take maternity leave on 16 June, which is 5 weeks before I am due, but I have some annual leave to use and perhaps I might see if I can go on leave a couple of weeks early. I just have to muster up the courage to speak to my boss about it…

Looking forward to: The weekend and putting my feet up.

The Bump: Hmmm, I still look more chubby than pregnant.

Though, in exciting news, a guy gave me his seat on the tram this week. So maybe I look more pregnant than I thought I did? He jumped up like his seat was on fire to make sure he gave me the seat, which I really appreciated because it was the end of a very long day and I was struggling.

Wow I have to get better at these ‘bumpie’ photos. This is terrible. I had lighting issues and AJ had already left for work so I was trying to do it myself. Plus you can’t really see what part of the photo is my body and what is carpet/chair. I’ll try and do better next week!

Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away, my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife moved 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.

Pregnancy: Weeks 1-6

1 – 3 WEEKS: 21st October – 4th November 2016

I have no idea that I’m pregnant, but oh my god, why are my boobs so freaking sore?

4 WEEKS: 11th November 2016

I’m experiencing what appears to be severe PMS symptoms: cramps, emotional, sore boobs and tired. I am so tired and emotional at work that I joke to a colleague that I am close with I might need to take a pregnancy test because I do not feel like myself at all. But I don’t really think much more about it.

5 WEEKS: 18th November 2016

I’ve had terrible insomnia all week, just laying in bed awake all night with no hope of sleep. When I do sleep, I have extremely vivid and strange dreams. Then I’m so tired that I fall asleep on the tram on the way home from work.

My PMS symptoms have continued and I start to think that if it is PMS, surely my period would have come by now? My period is a couple of weeks late, but that is normal for me. I’ve only got my period 3 times this year (thanks to Clomid) so it’s not unusual at all that my period would be late.

On Thursday my symptoms are getting out of control. I’m busy and distracted at work, but I write “PT” on my hand to remind myself to buy a pregnancy test when I get home.

I stop by the little supermarket in my apartment building and try to covertly buy a pregnancy test and hope like hell I don’t run into my neighbours. I wait until I am busting to go to the toilet to take the test and then try to read the instructions. This is not smart because it’s really hard to read instructions when you’re about to wet yourself.

It seems I have bought a confusing test, there are two windows, one that says “Test” and one that says “Control”. Both windows get 1 line in them and I’m disappointed because I am hoping to see 2 lines in the “Test” window. I thought “Control” is just to test that it is working correctly. Oh well, looks like I’m not pregnant, I really didn’t expect to be anyway.

A couple of hours later I go back and read the instructions again and start to think I have misunderstood it. Maybe a line in each window means pregnant? I really don’t know at this point. Fuck.

Panic strikes and I immediately google “planned pregnancy regret”. I feel like I am going to be sick. What have I done?

10 minutes pass and I have recovered. The shock has worn off, but it’s been replaced with denial. I decide that I have definitely read the test wrong. I’m not going to think much more about it until I can do another test. AJ is in Sydney for work and his flight has been delayed, he’s not going to be home until really late, so I decide not to mention anything until I have more information. But I am pretty sure that I am not pregnant.

The pregnancy test is on my mind all weekend, but I’m scared to take another test. If I take a test and it’s negative, then I’ll be disappointed, so my logic is to just ignore it. Then on Sunday AJ is away all day helping his sister with her jumping castle business, so I decide to walk down the street and buy another test. I’d rather do this on my own so there is less pressure. Hopefully this test will be less confusing.

It’s positive.

This time I’m excited and I spend all afternoon trying to work out my due date. Unfortunately I can’t work it out because my periods are all out of whack. I am guessing it’s some time in July.

I don’t know how I should tell AJ. I know he is going to be completely shocked. Neither of us ever really thought that I would get pregnant.

He gets home late after a long day outside in the heat and he’s exhausted. We sit out on the balcony and barbecue for dinner. I wait until he sits down and basically hand him the positive test. He’s happy, but the news doesn’t really sink in. It’s a surreal moment for us both and he is more in shock than anything.

6 WEEKS: 25th November 2016

On the Monday morning I ring my fertility doctor and let her know that I had a positive pregnancy test. She asks me to come in for a blood test to check my Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (HCG) levels which will confirm pregnancy and give a rough idea of how far along I am.

I go into East Melbourne IVF for my blood tests at 7.00 am on Tuesday and the clinic calls me back before lunch to confirm that I am indeed pregnant and that HCG is 12029, which indicates approximately 6 weeks. She starts talking about deciding if I will be public or private and choosing an obstetrician. I have no idea about any of this stuff. Panic starts to set in.

She books me in for a scan next week where they should be able to tell me the due date and maybe hear the heartbeat. I can’t believe this is happening.

AJ is getting excited now that we have confirmation from the doctor. He brings me home my favourite white blooms and tells me he will give me a foot massage every night. Let’s see how long this lasts!

Sunday night I am suddenly struck by morning all day sickness. I am suddenly nauseous 24/7 and it is sucking the life out of me. At first I was excited that I had morning sickness, but the novelty has worn off very quickly.

On Tuesday we go in for my first ultrasound nice and early at 7.30 am. The doctor doing the scan tries to do the ultrasound through my belly, but can’t see anything, so he does an internal ultrasound. This works! We can hear the heartbeat and see the little baby. The doctor says that everything looks fine and I’m 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. So I’m about a week behind where I thought I was and my due date is officially 21st July 2017. The doctor also confirms that it is just one baby. Due to conceiving with Clomid, there is a higher chance of multiple birth. I’m happy it’s only one, I definitely couldn’t handle more than that!

I’m cautiously excited at this point, but I still feel like there is a long way to go before I’ll believe that everything will be OK. We leave the ultrasound and wait for a tram to go into work and I spend the whole time dry retching. This is going to be a long 9 months!

 

 

Rut

I’m not sure if life is getting me down or if I am down and it’s making my life seem shit. What came first, the chicken or the egg? All I can say right now is that I feel like I am in a rut.

Work is just so hard, my house build has been delayed and I don’t know where I am going to live, this infertility stuff is doing my head in and I feel lonely without any family around. I feel overwhelmed and like I have nothing to look forward to right now.

I am starting to wonder if the fertility drug I have been taking, Clomid, is part of the issue because I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have severe PMS symptoms all of the time. I am turning into a horrible snappy bitch that I don’t recognise. I’m not sure if I can take the drug much longer or what that might mean for me.

I am really letting it all get to me and I am trying to suffocate the stress with food and alcohol. I am eating poorly, drinking too much and now my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’s a vicious bloody cycle.

The one thing I can do to help myself is take better care of my health. Eating a diet of potato chips and red wine might feel good in the short term, but it’s obviously not helping. Even though we are heading into the Christmas season, I am committing to focus on better eating and cut down on drinking. I’m going to make choices that my future self will thank me for, even if my current self wants sugar and salt.

In all the darkness, here is the light, I became and aunty on 22nd October. Her name is Penelope Jennifer (Jennifer is after my mum) but we mostly call her Polly. I was lucky enough to be able to fly to Sydney when my sister-in-law went into labour and be there to give her cuddles right away. I can’t wait to see her again at Christmas, I miss her so much!

My first meeting with my niece

Proud grandparents

Juggling baby and dog, no problem!

2 weeks old (dimples!)

Looking just like my mum and brother

Angel

 

 

 

Resetting Goals

This year I set myself a ‘realistic goal’ for weight loss of 78 kilos (171.6 lbs). I weighed myself last week for the first time in months and discovered that I had already reached this goal. I am not saying this to brag, instead it has made me realise that my body has changed and I need to re-define my goals.

Before I had body lift surgery, 78 kilos was a good number for me. My face, arms and legs thinned out and I had a well defined collar bone. But since I had the excess skin chopped off I now need to reset my expectations when it comes to weight on the scales.

I had about 6 kilos of skin and fat removed in my body lift surgery, so I guess that means that if my past goal was 78 kilos, it probably needs to be 72 kilos (158.4 lbs) now. I don’t feel bad at my current weight and I am thrilled with my progress, but I want to keep going.

Here are some photo of me from before my body lift surgery where I weighed slightly more than I do now. I can clearly see how much thinner I look in these photos than I do now. When I see these photos, all I can think about is how happy and carefree I was back then in 2010. Boy do I wish I could go back in time and tell this girl a thing or two…