Work It Baby

Leaving for my first day back at work

Well I went back to work last week. I’ll just be doing two days a week to start with and I might do an extra day from home. Oh my god, it was sooooo hard. Even harder than I had anticipated.

The night before I pretty much didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake at 4.30 am and I had to get up at 6.30 am. I just felt so sad to be leaving him for a full day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the day to day things that I would miss out on. I actually got weepy when I was showing AJ where his food bibs were and I pulled out a new one that I hadn’t used on Augie yet: “Oh, here’s a bib for tomorrow… I haven’t seen him in this one”. Sob. I don’t think I have cried once since becoming a Mum, I’m not much of a crier, so that shows you how hard this was for me.

I knew he would be perfectly fine because he was going to be with his dad. It just felt like the end of our happy little baby bubble and going back to the real world. I think I also felt like I wasn’t needed anymore. I can just leave for the day and he doesn’t need his mum (more sobbing).

Once I got to work I was OK. It was weird to be back in the office and I felt like I was living my old life pre-Augie. It was like being in a bizarro world. Unfortunately a lot has changed at work since I was there and barely anyone I used to work with is there anymore. It was like starting a whole new job. I really wish there were a few more familiar faces around.

I also felt like I wasn’t much use at work either. I have no idea what is going on anymore and the new team have there own groove, so I felt like I was in the way. There isn’t even space for me to sit with my team so I have been put around the corner on my own with all these empty desks and construction in a corridor where people walk through. Super depressing.

The hardest part is trying to get home in time to see Augie before he goes to bed. I only just make it in time to give him his bottle and put him to bed. I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes with him. That really isn’t OK with me.

I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how things unfold over the next few months. I’m sure it’ll get easier.

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Playing Catch Up

So my life lately has really been consumed by work. I haven’t been able to focus on losing weight, but I don’t think I’ve gained weight either. I am counting that as a massive win for me! I am eating healthy on week days (weekends are a disaster) and I’m walking about 25 minutes each way to work most days to keep moving. I need to do more, but lately I just haven’t had the energy and I don’t want to beat myself up about it.

I’ve been in my ‘new’ job for 4 months exactly today. I think I am finally starting to get the hang of it. I still have a long way to go, but I am ever so slightly less panicked and I have even made a couple of friends. I still wish I was living the good life and didn’t have to work though. Man, I really enjoyed that enforced redundancy break. I shouldn’t complain too much though because I guess I am grateful to have a good job.

So my life has really been all about work, but here is what else has been going on in between…

We bought a new car! It was a spur of the moment decision, we had gone out to buy a toaster and ended up driving past a dealership and stopped in for a look. God we are suckers. I am not into cars, but AJ is happy because it does fast sporty things and I am happy because it has heated seats. Win, win.

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AJ was asked to speak at a conference in Sydney, so I took the opportunity to join him and make it a long weekend. My brother and sister in law moved to Sydney last year, so it was great to visit them and also plan a little break to the cute wine area of Mudgee. I loved it, we had a blast.

While we were in Sydney we nabbed tickets to see Ben Folds (one of my favourites) at the Sydney Opera House. I had always wanted to see a show at the Opera House so that was awesome. Sydney is so much fun!

My sister in law is due to have her baby on the 25th October. Eeeek, I can’t believe I’ll be an aunty for the first time soon. I threw her a baby shower in the pub underneath my apartment last month. I stressed myself out with the whole thing of course. Party planning is hard work, but it went really well. Phew.

We are still waiting for our townhouse to be built. Originally it was supposed to be finished in August… and we are now in October and we are still a long way off. Apparently the builder has had health issues and has had to have treatment in France, so I guess there isn’t much we can do about it. What makes me nervous is that my rental apartment is being sold and going to auction this weekend. So there is a good chance we are going to be without a house. Shit, shit, shit.

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That’s all folks.

xxoo

The Hunger

Well I have almost finished up my first three weeks in my new job… and it only feels like three years… I think it’s safe to say that I am not one of those people who would choose to work if they didn’t have to. Obviously those people are insane.

Anyway, all this hard work has given me THE HUNGER. I just want to eat and eat and then eat some more. Why does thinking make me so hungry?

It’s not exactly unusual for me to turn to food when I am stressed (or happy or sad or excited or depressed or bored). So I am just trying to make good choices and not worry too much about weight loss. If I can get through my first few months in this job without gaining a stack of weight, I will call that a victory.

Exercise has not been a priority for me right now. I am working fairly long hours and it’s the dead of winter, so let’s face it, who can be arsed? I am walking about 25 minutes each way (a slow walk) to my tram stop to get to and from work, so at least I am getting some movement in most days.

I have to say that I am not exactly loving life right now, so I am just going to channel my inner Britney.

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I feel better already!

Life Moves On…

After I published my last blog post freaking out about my new job, AJ sensed that I was anxious and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. It was late on Sunday night, but I needed to get out of the apartment to try and calm my thoughts.

We seem to always have our best chats when we are just driving around and looking at the city lights. Normally one of us will convince the other that we need a chocolate sundae from McDonald’s. OK, normally its me that makes the case for a sundae. And a cheeseburger.

We decided to go for a drive to my new office and plan out all the different routes I could take to get there from my current apartment and my new house when I move. I found it strangely calming to get organised and know exactly where my commute would take me (and find the best bars close to my new office).

As we kept driving and talking, AJ said that he had been thinking about my mum that week and how proud she would be that I got this job. It meant so much to me that he acknowledged her and how she would feel about my achievement. There are so few people in my life who knew my mum. I find that I crave acknowledgement of her existence and how much she meant to me.

I had been thinking a lot about her all week and felt so sad I couldn’t tell her about my new job. The last time I got a new job she sent me these flowers because she was so proud of me.

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My mum left school when she was about 12 and had her first baby at 16. She didn’t have an education or a career, but she was adamant that those options would be open for me. Whatever I chose to do, she would support me. I know she would have been proud of this new job and telling everyone she met in the supermarket or pharmacy that her daughter got a new job. She would have made it sound much more impressive than it actually was, but there would be no way she would believe that it wasn’t the most amazing job in the world. I did love to make her proud.

I find change so hard to deal with these days. It feels like every little way my life changes moves me further away from my mum and the life I had when she was alive. I know AJ really understands this because he lost his dad 9 years ago. I feel so lucky to have his support through everything that has happened with my mum. Thank god we have each other.

Time Out

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I’ve read enough chick lit books to know that when you lose your job, you are supposed to move to a new city, take the time to ‘find yourself’ and then you will magically lose a stack of weight, land your dream job and meet the perfect guy. Normally this is facilitated by an inheritance from an aunt that you have tucked away for a rainy day.

Unfortunately my life is not a chick lit book. I don’t really have the luxury of taking the time to ‘find myself’… I really just need to find a bloody job! Not a dream job, just a job would be nice.

I really can’t complain too much about being unemployed. I have been filling my days very nicely with gym work outs, long walks and podcasts, cooking, housework, coffees with friends, online study and a bit of TV. I could probably spend all day just surfing the net and not get bored. I am easily amused.

I am doing all the things I used to do when I worked, but I have the time to do it slowly and purposefully. The simple act of making a cup of tea and drinking it is enjoyable when I don’t have a million things to do. Even going to the gym and doing the housework is quite nice when I can take my time and not feel rushed.

Being unemployed is really suiting me. I do have bouts of panic about money or frustration that I was made redundant, but time away from the workforce has given me some perspective. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

I haven’t exactly been able to ‘find myself’ just yet, but I am learning what I don’t want in my life anymore and sometimes that is the first step.

 

 

 

 

 

Walk the Line

I’m trying very hard to do things this year that make me feel healthy and happy. It feels like there are a few big things in my life that are hard to change that make me unhappy (though I am trying). So I am trying to focus on the little things I can do to be happy.

The first thing I started doing was walking half way to work every morning and half way home every evening. Instead of catching two trams to work, I walk the 25 minutes by the river to my tram stop. It really only adds about 10 minutes to my commute because it means I don’t have to catch one of my trams.

I love the city, but being around trees and nature just makes me feel at peace. It gives me the same soothing feeling that chocolate does… well maybe not quite as good, but close! It really is the perfect way to start and finish my work day.

I have always loved walking to work, but stopped due to chronic plantar fasciitis pain. It hasn’t improved, but I have decided to live with the pain for now because I really want to move more and be invigorated by nature.

The bonus is that it means I spend less time on crowded trams and I get some exercise.

I Want to Believe

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Last Saturday I accidentally went to see a psychic. Though, maybe it wasn’t an accident, maybe it was meant to be?

I had been wanting to see a psychic ever since my mum passed away, but I didn’t really know how or where to do it. Then after having lunch with a friend (a friend who was a good support when my mum passed away and is a bit of a mother figure to me) we browsed a local shop where I met a psychic and tarot card reader who worked there. I suddenly felt brave enough to ask if she had any availability that day. She happened to have a no-show at that exact time and she could squeeze me in right away.

I felt a strange connection to the psychic and I think we both felt like I was meant to come to her at that time. We spoke about many things and she seemed to know a lot of true information about me, my family, my life and my work. She also predicted a lot of things that seem quite plausible… and will hopefully come true.

She told me that my mum was with me as my spirit guide. She watches over me and helps guide me through the world. She spoke about a lot things that were specific to my mum- the bad relationship she had with my dad, guilt over things that happened to me as a child and that I need to stop worrying about my brother and take care of myself. I needed to hear some of those things.

It was a pretty emotional and overwhelming experience. It has certainly got under my skin and consumed my thoughts for the last few days. I really did feel closer to my mum and like I was able to communicate with her again – whether real or perceived – it doesn’t really matter.

I don’t know if I really believe in psychic powers, but I am open minded to things that I don’t understand. I know that speaking to the psychic bought me a lot of comfort and that is all that matters to me.

Oh, and Ill fill you in on whether any of her predictions come true…