Ahhhh :(

Honestly, winter can fuck off.

Augie is sick again. He’s been sick constantly since the start of May. This brings with it behaviour issues, no sleep and just misery for everyone. It’s been cold and wet so it’s hard to do anything outside and he refuses to wear a jacket or hat. I still try to take him to the park and he won’t get out of the car, but what else can I do to occupy him? I took him to the indoor trampoline centre and he just lay on the trampolines.

We go into Melbourne as much as possible to go to the Melbourne Museum and Scienceworks, which I can’t recommend enough for babies and toddlers. It’s amazing. If I lived in Melbourne, I’d go every day. Spring is just around the corner so I just need to hang in there. We are going to Sydney this week and it’s a full 10 degrees warmer there every day. Insane. Why don’t we move to Sydney?

Well in other news, I lost my job last week. Yep, this is the third time in a row I have been made redundant. Un-fucking-believable. I thought it was coming for a while so it wasn’t a shock. The whole team were made redundant because the company has no money, so I guess I can’t take it personally. In many ways, it’s a relief because I was burning the candle at both ends to work 25 hours and still be a full time stay at home mum. I was kind of killing myself and felt like I was a shit mum and a shit employee so it was causing me a lot of stress.

I’m not really sure what I’ll do now. I had a good situation where I was mostly working from home. I live a long way from the CBD so it makes it difficult to find work. I also just don’t think Augie is ready for childcare yet. He’s incredibly shy and I just don’t want to put him through that trauma. I really wanted to wait to put him in childcare when it was best for him, not when it suited me. I’m not sure I’ll always have that luxury, in fact I may need to start checking out childcare centres very soon.

Augie had a 2 year check up with the child and maternal health nurse a couple of weeks ago. It wasn’t a great experience. She got in his face immediately to engage him and upset him and just didn’t seem to understand he was shy (then she refused to let him have a sticker unless he came and took it from her, which he was too scared to do). She gave me a massive lecture that I rock him to sleep and said I was hurting him and it was very sad for him that he needed to be rocked to sleep. She told me he should go to sleep school and when I mentioned that I understand they let kids cry it out at sleep school and she said that’s what he needs to learn to sleep. I’m not at all supportive of cry it out methods for our family and I’m finding it frustrating that it seems to be the norm in our culture. When I talk to friends, or other mums or read sleep advice online it always leads to cry it out methods. I end up feeling like I need to defend my gentle approach. I think I just need to stop talking to people about it. The next time someone asks me how he’s sleeping, I should just say “fine”.

She also did an autism screening test, which he passed fine as it was just about making eye contact, pointing at things, recognising his name, creative play and things like that. I did raise with her that I had niggling concerns about him being different to other kids. I don’t know how else to say it, but he just isn’t the same as other kids at playgroups or my friend’s kids. I like to say he’s quirky, but I do worry it’s more than that. He’s obviously very shy, he’s obsessed with fans (which is an autism factor), if we go somewhere he just plays with the fire hydrants or other weird things and not the toys, he gets obsessed with opening doors and flicking on lights, sometimes when I sing or put on music he says “stop” like the noise upsets him (I do have a terrible singing voice). I don’t know what is just being a toddler and what is different. I really wish my mum was here because she had three kids and I’m sure she’d be able to give me some guidance.

It plays on my mind a lot. I’m not sure if it’s heightened because about 6 years ago I worked with a girl who was pregnant with a baby boy and she was obsessed with worrying he would have autism (he doesn’t). I don’t know if I would have actually thought about it if it wasn’t for that experience. AJ just recently reminded me that my mum used to say she thought I was autistic when I was young (which I’m not) so maybe it’s just hereditary traits. I guess all I know is that I think he’s perfect as he is right now and I don’t want him to change. But I still worry.

I’ve been quite down in the dumps lately from work stress, lack of sleep, feeling lonely, gaining weight, financial pressures, missing my mum and a lot of small things. I decided last night I need to do 3 things to feel better:

  1. Count my blessings to have AJ and Augie
  2. Be of service to the community in a charitable way
  3. Exercise

Wish me luck.

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Valium and Netflix

I just realised that I have been in my ‘new’ job for 8 weeks now. It feels like 8 seconds and 8 years at the same time.

I’m not sure if I have ever worked as hard in my life as I have in this job. Or maybe I am just feeling old and tired? Actually, I think that might be it.

I don’t know if I have the energy to establish myself in yet another job. I just feel tired and like I have lost the drive I once had around my career. I was so happy during my 2 month period of unemployment and I miss that feeling a lot.

I think that being made redundant in my last job kind of changed me. I don’t feel bitter or angry about it, but I guess I just find it hard to trust that my hard work will be rewarded or even valued. It makes me wonder why I am killing myself in yet another job and where it will get me. See, I am getting old and cynical!

All of this work stress, even though it’s mostly been manufactured in my own head, has left me feeling particularly anxious lately. I feel overwhelmed by simple tasks (OMG I have to wash my hair…), I’m being snappy to AJ (Close the effing fridge door!) and I’m protective of my personal time (What do you mean you said we’d babysit your sister’s kids all day Saturday?). Thank god for Valium and Netflix.

Despite all of this, I have managed to stick to my healthy eating goals (for the most part). I find that often when I am in the eye of the storm I can stay focussed on eating well. The adrenalin from my anxiety keeps me going. It’s not until everything slows down that I completely crash and burn into a pit of chocolate wrappers. I am determined not to let that happen this time. I’m on high alert!

I should mention that there are some perks to my new job. My company has ties to my favourite football team, which has meant I got to spend some time with these nice guys (and a few others). Swoon.

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Me with Mitch Duncan and Tom Hawkins from Geelong Football Club

First Day

Is there anything worse than the first day at a new job? Well, lucky me, I kind of get to do it twice. I started my new job on Monday and had off-site training with my new boss all day Monday and Tuesday. So now my first day in the office and meeting my team is tomorrow (Wednesday).

I was so nervous about starting work that I spent all day Sunday concocting a plan to escape. I worked out that it would be cheaper to live in a pool villa in Bali than in my little Melbourne apartment. So it would only make sense for me to move there right? Or I would also happily move to a little house in the mountains and spend my days working in a winery. They can even pay me in wine, I am totally OK with that arrangement.

I obviously sucked it up and started work on Monday and so far it has gone pretty well. I overreacted as per usual… As much as I love not working, I also love spending money, so work is a necessary evil that I will just have to deal with.

Now I just need to find out the most important thing… how soon I can start having my online shopping delivered to work.

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Elevator selfie on my first day of work

I Got a Job!

yas

Apparently now I am a Digital Marketer. Well trying to be anyway.

I really wanted this job, but now my anxiety has kicked in and I am wondering why the hell this company would hire me. I don’t know what I am doing. I am an imposter. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

I have always struggled with confidence at work (and with just about everything else), but it doesn’t help that I was made redundant from my last job. I don’t think I realised how hard that knocked my confidence until recently. I kept telling everyone that ‘I’m not taking it personally‘, but who am I kidding? I totally took it personally. Why would they get rid of me if they valued me as an employee?

Oh god. I have felt sick with nerves from the moment I accepted the role. Why can’t I just not work ever again? I don’t need money… I’ll change my lifestyle… I’ll just sleep in a tent and grow my own food…

I don’t start until Monday 6th June, so I have another week to relax at home wallow in a pit of self doubt.

 

Oh no

Funemployed

april

I’ve been unemployed for about 5 weeks now and I can’t even pretend to wish I was working. I bloody love not working! This is the life of leisure that I was always supposed to lead.

I haven’t been bored once. If anything, I find there is not normally enough time to do all the things I had hoped to achieve (mostly because I sleep too late or watch too much TV).

This is a typical day for me right now…

7.30: Alarm goes off, go back to sleep
8.30: Actually wake up for real
8.30 – 9.30: Lie in bed and play on my phone and procastinate going to the gym
9.30 – 10.30: Go to the gym in my apartment building
10.30 – 11.30: Housework
11.30 – 12.00: Shower and get dressed
12.00 – 1.00: Look for work
1.00 – 1.30: Make and eat lunch
1.30 – 4.00: Job applications, surf internet, watch TV
4.00 – 5.00: Go for a walk and listen to podcasts
5.00 – 7.00: Buy groceries and cook dinner
7.00 – 8.00: Eat dinner and clean up the kitchen
8.00 – 11.00: Watch TV
11.00 – 12.00: Read in bed

(Other activities include shopping, lunching with friends, reading blogs all day and thinking about food)

Honestly, this is the best life. If only I could afford to live like this forever. Maybe I’ll start getting bored, but I doubt it… not while the internet and Netflix exist.

It’s not all sunshine and lollipops though. I probably have about another week or two before I start panicking about finding a job. Then I’ll just have to drop my standards and start applying for anything. Until then, I am trying to enjoy this precious break while I have it.

Time Out

boob-freedom

I’ve read enough chick lit books to know that when you lose your job, you are supposed to move to a new city, take the time to ‘find yourself’ and then you will magically lose a stack of weight, land your dream job and meet the perfect guy. Normally this is facilitated by an inheritance from an aunt that you have tucked away for a rainy day.

Unfortunately my life is not a chick lit book. I don’t really have the luxury of taking the time to ‘find myself’… I really just need to find a bloody job! Not a dream job, just a job would be nice.

I really can’t complain too much about being unemployed. I have been filling my days very nicely with gym work outs, long walks and podcasts, cooking, housework, coffees with friends, online study and a bit of TV. I could probably spend all day just surfing the net and not get bored. I am easily amused.

I am doing all the things I used to do when I worked, but I have the time to do it slowly and purposefully. The simple act of making a cup of tea and drinking it is enjoyable when I don’t have a million things to do. Even going to the gym and doing the housework is quite nice when I can take my time and not feel rushed.

Being unemployed is really suiting me. I do have bouts of panic about money or frustration that I was made redundant, but time away from the workforce has given me some perspective. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

I haven’t exactly been able to ‘find myself’ just yet, but I am learning what I don’t want in my life anymore and sometimes that is the first step.

 

 

 

 

 

Downward Spiral

eating

Since losing my job last week, a huge focus for me has been on making sure I don’t spiral into a dark (and fat) place. It doesn’t take much for me to lose myself and wake up 20 kilos heavier, even when life is going well.

Almost every year I seem to go down a hole at some point and gain anywhere between 5 – 30 kilos. Sometimes it is sparked by a stressful time in my life, but sometimes it just seems to happen and I don’t realise until I none of my clothes fit me and I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I seem to be very good at living in denial.

I know that being unemployed could be a trigger for depression and anxiety for me as I am susceptible at the best of times. So right now I am really committed to focusing on my physical and mental health at this time when I know I might be vulnerable. I need to find a new job and I can only do that if I feel good about myself- mind, body and spirit.

One thing I can do for my physical and mental health is exercise. Who would have thought I would ever say that?

Prior to being made redundant from my job I hadn’t been to the gym in about a year. Let’s face it, the gym is just not a good time. It gets boring and people sweat everywhere and often lack basic manners. Now that I have a lot of spare time on my hands and energy to burn, I am back at the gym every day to try and get those happy endorphins.

I am lucky that my apartment building has a lovely gym and pool available for me to use for free and a great river trail just outside my front door. It also helps that I can exercise during the day and avoid the sweaty crowds. Plus, I really  don’t have much else to do with my day and it makes me feel like I have achieved something.

So I’ve got the exercise part covered, now I just need to turn my attention to stress/comfort/boredom eating… Oh but it is just so damn satisfying…