The Awkward Years

I was going through some old pictures recently and was wondering who that weird girl with the bushy eyebrows was in all the family photos… Oh hello teenage me.

My only defense is that the 1990’s were a particularly cruel decade for style. Not that I had much choice because this was back before plus sized clothing existed and I was forced to wear homemade clothes or dedicate hours to stretching our regular sized t-shirts until they fit me.

I know everyone says they were an awkward teenager, but I pretty much spent the ages 12-17 reading books, picking at my pimples and being scared of my own shadow.

Can you believe that I didn’t ever have a boyfriend in high school??!!

Bike shorts

I actually wore this outfit to a casual clothes day in year 7. I remember showing up and seeing what all the other girls were wearing and realising bike shorts were not cool. I’m not sure how I didn’t already know this. I blame my parents.

school photo

I call this photo ‘acne and eyebrows’. I think it speaks for itself.

beach

Just sitting uncomfortably on the beach and wishing I could be inside and away from nature.

balance jumper

I think the look on my face says it all.

school awards

Classic awkward fat girl move: hold an object over your stomach for coverage. I recall the buttons on that school dress were only just holding on for dear life.

dads bday

If I ever become a serial killer, I think that this would be the photo that the newspapers would use. My family don’t even want to be near me in this photo. Probably because it looks like I am plotting to kill them.

tree 2

I must have thought that if I had enough hair, no one would see my body.

IMG_0231

This is me (right) getting dressed up for a ball… it’s not quite what the young girls are wearing to their school formal these days. I am pretty sure that was one of my mum’s shirts. I was always on the cutting edge of style.

good jumper

This is where I finally discovered tweezers… Also, those were my first pair of jeans ever and they were so tight around the waist that the button fly completely ripped open, but I continued to wear them for about two years because that was the biggest size the store had at the time.

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Weighing In

weighing myself

I managed to stop weighing myself a couple of years ago. At first it was easy because I was gaining weight and very happily avoiding the scale and any concept of reality. When I was ready to work on losing weight again I had to fight the nagging voice in my head telling me to get on the scale. I do actually find weighing myself helps motivate me to lose weight, but not in a healthy way, only because I want to starve myself to see good results on the scale. Then comes the crushing disappointment when the results are not what I had hoped. Nothing can ruin a day better than an unexpectedly bad weigh in.

Even though I didn’t want to weigh myself, I did still want to get an indication of how my weight loss was tracking. So I asked my doctor to weigh me and not tell me the number and I would just get her to weigh me every few months. That was great until she forgot and accidentally told me the big bad number. This was May last year and I was back up to 106 kilos (233 lbs) and it was a crushing blow. How I felt when I heard that number reminded me of why I didn’t want to weigh myself. I don’t need to define how I feel about myself by a number on a scale. Never again.

After that I did go on to lose about 25 kilos (55 lbs) by the end of last year. I think it was around December when I last got weighed by my doctor and was 82 kilos (180 lbs). I haven’t seen any numbers on the scale since then, but my weight has continued to fluctuate up and down by quite a lot. I have re-gained and lost the same 10 kilos a couple of times this year already… It’s safe to say that I haven’t got my emotional eating under control!

I am now getting better at tracking how my weight is going by my clothes and just how I feel in my body. If I was hazard a guess at what I weigh right now, I would say about 85 kilos (187 lbs)… or maybe a few kilos more. I’m not terribly comfortable at this weight and I definitely want to lose about 10 kilos to feel better about myself. Right now my only goal is to fit back into the dress in the picture below by Christmas (I’m the brunette on the right). I wore it to a wedding in March this year, so if I can successfully get it to fit me by the end of this year again I will be happy.

nick's wedding