Merry Christmas

Well it’s almost Christmas. My favourite time of the year! I get so excited (especially with the kids now), but I must admit that the closer to Christmas it gets, the more “meh” I feel about it.

There is so much stress associated with buying gifts, seeing family and friends, making Christmas magical for your kids and expectations that are hard to meet. I wanted to do everything ‘Christmas related’ with joy this year, rather than obligation. I quickly realised that it’s easier said than done. I have improved on past years though, so it’s a work in progress.

Christmas is obviously a very lonely time for a lot of people. I feel very grateful to have my little family with me. But, it does shine a light on the people missing in our lives and it’s hard. I can honestly say that missing people you love doesn’t get easier. And to top it off this year, my brother, sister-in-law and niece won’t be able to visit because of covid border closures. I know a lot of people are dealing with this around the world and it’s heartbreaking. Since the news came on Sunday that the borders (they are in Sydney and I’m in Vic) would close again I’ve felt more flat than I have all year. Its the final covid blow of the year. It’s been a hard year and I just really needed to see some friendly faces.

My last Christmas with my mum 💔 Also, my sister in law always buys us all pj’s for Xmas Eve and mine are always uncomfortably tight. 🤣

In other news, I turn 40 tomorrow. I really don’t have much to say about it. I’ve never been interested in birthdays or worried about getting older, so it’s just another day for me. AJ has just ran out to the shops with August because he’s realised he needs to hurry up and get me a present (not that I want anything really). We are having lunch at a nice winery, which is my favourite thing to do, so it should be lovely. I would have liked to use this big birthday as an excuse to treat myself with a nice trip, but obviously this year was not the right time for it. Maybe next year!

Anyone out there still reading this blog, I want to sincerely wish you a wonderful Christmas, whatever that looks like for you. If you’re doing it tough, I’m sorry and I hope the new year is better for you. 💗

A 2.5 Year Old & a 24 Week Old

So I’m 24 weeks pregnant and I must say that I’ve had a rough week. Augie has been having major sleep issues since the end of November and it’s killing me. He wakes up around 1.00 am and won’t go back to sleep until between 3.00 – 5.00 am. He’s perfectly happy, he just wants to cuddle and play. I’m grateful that he’s not upset, but the sleep deprivation is very hard right now. It’s not every night, but it’s probably around 4-5 nights out of 7. I just keep repeating to myself, it is just a phase. 🥺

Speaking of phases (well I hope it’s a phase) ever since we got back from 2 weeks away over Christmas, Augie has been a handful. He was so great while we were away and driving thousands of kms and sleeping on couches of family, so when we got back I expected a bit of an outburst, but it’s been over 2 weeks of mischievous behaviour now. He is just into everything! He gets in the bathroom cupboards and squeezes out all our creams, he pulls everything out of every cupboard and bangs shit on the walls and he throws food on the floor. I took him to the library and he escaped through the fire escape door, pushed books off the shelves, tried to use all the computers and kept spinning all the DVD racks. If I ask him to stop doing something (like jumping on plants), he laughs and does it over and over and thinks it’s hilarious. It’s testing my patience big time (especially while sleep deprived) and making me question why I’m about to have another child. 😳

When he’s like this (not sleeping and being cheeky) it normally means he’s in a developmental stage. I can already see changes in the way he plays and thinks that are all new. He uses his imagination now in play, the other day he put balls on the floor in a circle and pretended it was a fan and turned the fan on and off. He’s building actual things with blocks, instead of just building towers and knocking them down and he’s suddenly loving playing with other kids. He approaches kids in the playground and tries to join in with them or follows them around. It’s been such a shock to see the way he’s craving interaction with kids and he asks every day if it’s dance or playgroup, but unfortunately it’s still school holidays here and almost every program is on break. He seems to particularly like to follow around older girls. My friend has a 4 year old daughter and he adores her and she manages to tolerate him getting in her way. Yesterday at the park some older teenage girls were laying on the ground sunning their tummies so he lay next to them and pulled up his top too.

Oh and I finally told him about the baby and I had no faith he’d understand it at all and this is what he said:

“Augie have a friend?” And then a moment later, “Augie give baby cuddles”.

Then a few days later we were at my friend’s house for a play date and she is also pregnant so I told him that Amanda was also having a baby and he says “Augie have another friend”. 💗

Now there has been some confusion this week because he saw the Easter eggs at the supermarket and I told him about Easter Bunny. Now he’s obsessed. Every day he says:

“Easter bunny bring the eggs,

First we find them,

Mummy help find them and daddy help find them,

Then we open them,

Then we eat them,

Mummy get an egg, daddy get an egg, Augie get an egg, baby get an egg,

We have to wait, long time away”

But he’s confused the baby and Easter bunny slightly and now when I mention the baby he says “baby come out and bring an egg”. So I’m thinking this baby might need to bring August a kinder surprise egg. ☺️

My pregnancy continues to be uneventful, which is fantastic, it’s the best way for it to be! I have an appointment with my obstetrician tomorrow and I plan to ask if there is anything I can take to help with energy levels. I’m guessing there isn’t much I can do to help, it’s just life being pregnant with a busy toddler who isn’t sleeping. 😩

I’m finding that being pregnant makes me miss my mum so much more again. I felt like this last time and it’s even worse this time because I wish mum was here to help with August while I’m so tired. I know it’s not the case for every woman, but there is just no one like your mum who can sweep in and know just how to support you (and perhaps annoy you 🤪).

I have two brothers and my dad, one brother is estranged from our family and the other brother lives 10 hours away. My dad lives 4 hours away, but he’s really busy with work and looking after his property in the country. We all get along well and share photos and messages about the kids, but it’s not the same as a phone call or visit from your mum. I don’t want to be sexist, but men are often not great communicators or strongly focussed on family connection. If I didn’t go visit then, I would barely see them. Anyway, this is not to attack them, just to say I miss my mum.

This is why I really wanted a daughter. It’s nothing to do with the first 18 years of the child’s life, it’s more about wanting to maintain a strong connection when they grow up and leave home. I want that classic, “my mum/daughter is my best friend” type relationship. It’s not to say you can’t have that with boys, and I will certainly try (I tell Augie all the time that he’s my best friend), but it can be a bit harder.

Anyway, we don’t know the gender of this baby yet and we probably won’t find out. I can’t deny that I really would like a little girl, but I wouldn’t have tried to have another baby if I wasn’t going to be happy with another boy too. If he’s anything like Augie, I’d be a happy mum.

22 Months was (still is) Hard Work

The big thing this month was moving house. We had to move out of our rental and find another rental because the landlord wanted to move into the house. It was super frustrating to have to move after only a year and with a home business and toddler… it was hard work! We aren’t in love with the location of our new house, but it’s a good fit for us. We have heaps of space and Augie even has his own playroom now. He absolutely loves it and just sits in there playing on his own. We also have a really big hallway so we got him a little bike and he loves riding up and down. It’s perfect timing for winter as he’ll be entertained inside the house.

Augie’s play room before I installed storage and tidied it up!

Just after we moved house Augie got sick. He never gets sick and has been over 12 months without even a cold, so I took him to the doctor and she said he had a bacterial throat and ear infection and gave him antibiotics. The next day he broke out in a rash, so we took him back to see a doctor and he said that he was fine, just sensitive to the antibiotics, but to continue taking them. Then almost a week later he broke out in a much worse rash so I took him to yet another doctor and this one said he had glandular fever and the antibiotics had reacted with the virus. Then the next day his rash was alarmingly bad so I took him to the emergency room for assessment. They were not sure what exactly was wrong so referred us to a pediatrician.

The pediatrician assessed him and believes he is allergic to antibiotics and that he should never have been given them in the first place as he probably had a viral infection and not bacterial. And he most certainly should not have been told to keep taking them after he exhibited a reaction. He was prescribed steroids and phenergen to clear up the rash and sent home.

Side note to all this, each assessment was bloody traumatic for him to be poked and prodded by strangers when he was sick. Plus forcing medicine into him constantly while he kicked and screamed was horrible and completely unnecessary as it turns out.

You’d think that’s the end of the story, but it continued to get worse. A couple of days after taking the steroids he literally became manic. Waking up at midnight and screaming, thrashing, clawing like a wild animal. It would take him about half an hour to calm down and then he wouldn’t go back to sleep all night. I have to drive him to get him to sleep at all. We are on day 4 of this right now. No sleep, melt downs and manic behaviour. My only guess is that the steroids have affected him and they need them to wear off (he’s finished taking them now). It has been the most heart breaking thing to witness.

This exact situation is why I resisted having a kid until my mid-30’s. I was so scared that I’d struggle to cope with seeing my baby in distress. I was right. It has just totally broken my heart to see him in pain and distress. It’s actually even harder than I imagined. Especially because I feel that I should have handled things better and been more critical of what the doctors told me. Big lesson learned.

On a less depressing note, we were in ikea a few weeks ago and forgot to take in Augie’s drink bottle. Of course he demands a drink and we try to ignore him because we were about to go get dinner in a few minutes. It turns out that Augie pronounces “drink” like “dick” and stood in ikea saying very loudly “dick” over and over again until AJ ran to the cafe and bought him a bottle of water. Mostly just to save embarrassment! On that note, my niece pronounces “truck” like “cock” and points out every car she sees and says “cock”. It cracks me up every time. Especially her earnest little face when she says it.

The other thing I’ll remember this month by is Augie saying “oh whoops” approximately 5000 times a day. He says it when he drops stuff or trips over, but also when anything is not how he wants it. If his show isn’t on tv or he doesn’t like the food I’ve given him he says “oh whoops” like it can magically fix the problem. Or if he deliberately throws his fork on the floor and wants me to pick it up. It’s very cute.

Now I’m just going to post some extra photos because I e been at work all day and I miss my baby. 😭

5 Years Gone 💗

My mum has been gone for 5 years now. The 23rd March. It’s funny how the 23rd day of the month has been significant for me: I was born on 23 December, Augie was born 23 July, my mum passed 23 March and we had another baby supposed to join our family on 23 June, but sadly they didn’t make it.

My world is so different now than the world I had when my mum was here. In those 5 years that she has been gone I’ve lived in 3 homes she never visited, had 3 jobs she didn’t know about, bought a new car that she hasn’t seen and, of course, I had my beautiful baby boy, August.

It’s actually hard to imagine her being here, though I do think about it every single day. I try to imagine what she would be like with Augie. All she ever wanted was to be a grandmother so I know she’d be in her element.

One day last year, my brother and his wife and daughter were visiting from Sydney. One afternoon my brother, my niece, Augie and I went to a local brewery for a quick drink. All I could think about was how my mum would give anything to be here in this simple moment with her kids and grandkids. I also wished she was here because taking a 1 year old and 2 year old to a brewery at 5.00 pm was a bloody handful!

I really struggled with the idea of having kids without my mum here. For a while, I didn’t want to get pregnant because I just couldn’t bear the thought of having a baby that my mum would never know. And it is as hard as I thought it would be.

I wish she was here to give me an extra pair of hands, to turn up with new singlets for Augie because she knows we needed them, to bring over dinner once in a while, to tell me I’m a good mum, but mostly just to delight in everything about Augie. I wish it so much for Augie too.

I miss you every single day mum.

Me and mum, this is how I remember her most

When mum was sick, the last time she saw the ocean

Mum with me and my older brother

The Worst

The worst happened. I always feared it would happen, but I didn’t really think it would. Augie fell down our stairs.

He’s OK.

How he is OK, I have no idea because he fell headfirst down 15 hardwood stairs. He didn’t slide down, he bounced down each and every stair. It’s actually very hard to even write that because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Sick to my stomach doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I got there in time to watch him fall and I raced after him hoping that he would lose momentum and stop falling. Of course that did’t happen and I could only scoop up his tiny body when he got to the end. My poor baby.

He cried immediately and then stopped after about 10 seconds of cuddles. He seemed like his old self (though the doctor later told me that he was probably in shock). AJ had raced down the stairs after me and I just said put him in the car, we are going to the hospital.

We are lucky that we live less than 5 kms from the Royal Children’s Hospital. It was a Saturday night and traffic was pretty good so we got there within about 15 minutes of his fall. I sang to him in the car and he laughed in the same places he always laughed and he was saying “ba ba ba” which was what he’d been saying to me all day. He seemed great, but I was actually more worried about deeper injuries that might not be immediately visible.

AJ dropped us off at emergency and went to park the car. When I took him out of his car seat I literally gasped when I saw the lumps that had already come up on his head. I went straight inside the hospital and told them what happened. Within a few minutes we were assessed by a nurse and then taken to a bed to be seen by a doctor.

I couldn’t believe how quiet it was in the hospital. There was only one other family in the waiting room! I later learned that we actually didn’t even make it to the waiting room and were triaged to see a doctor immediately. Later that night I walked past the actual waiting room that was full to the brim.

In our room, a young doctor performed a lot of tests on him, mostly to do with cognitive/head injury. They didn’t do x-rays or other scans because he was simply too young. Their main concern was bleeding on the brain so they continued to check his vital signs every hour until we were past the 6 hour mark, which is then considered fairly safe.

Augie was amazing and didn’t cry or get upset at all. He loved the attention from all the doctors and nurses and all the gadgets they had to perform tests on him. They gave me a cot for him and he slept a little bit, but woke every 20 minutes whimpering and needing cuddles. AJ had to go home once we knew Augie was ok. All 3 of us had a bad case of gastro and AJ was still in the thick of it. He was so sick that he went home and passed out on the bathroom floor. What a fucking night.

They let us go home at 2.00 am after they were confident he was ok. He was so tired and slept until 1.00 pm the next day… despite the fact I poked and prodded him all night to make sure he was ok.

All the doctors and nurses couldn’t quite believe that Augie was ok after such a terrible fall. Well, they couldn’t quite believe a baby had even suffered such a fall. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t have DHS out investigating us for being negligent parents. Some people I have told have acted like it’s no big deal. I mentioned that to AJ and said how surprised I was by this and he said those people are just being nice and trying not to make you feel bad. Probably true.

It is hard to explain how it happened. I really don’t know what I was thinking to have spaced out and let him get near the stairs. Or why I didn’t have a stair gate on. I always watch him. In fact, I normally sit with him. That night he had woken up because he’s teething and I got him out of bed for a cuddle. I didn’t even think he could crawl that far. I guess I was wrong. I can’t talk much more about it because it’s too hard to put myself back in that place and remember what happened.

For what it’s worth, AJ and I were both in the room when it happened. We were equally to blame and both feel horrible. In one sense I think we are both relieved that we are both to blame, I’m not sure how we could have forgiven each other if just one of us was to blame.

I’ll never forgive myself. I’m trying not to indulge too much in the guilt and instead focus on being so, so, so grateful that my baby is ok. Grateful is an understatement. When I saw him fall I honestly did not think he would be ok. I feel like the luckiest person alive to have a healthy baby.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that it’s now impossible to trust myself. How did I let this happen and what could happen next? I thought I was a vigilant parent. Obviously not. I don’t know what else I could do to put him in danger. The fear is keeping me up at night.

It goes without saying that we are now going to move house. We have two sets of stairs in our house and they make me feel sick to look at them. I am desperately searching the real estate websites for a rental. Most places in our budget are either tiny apartments or (double storey) townhouses. That’s not going to work. So what to do? I’m not sure yet, but I want to find a solution as soon as possible. I’ll be so sad to leave our place after less than a year, but I just want a house that is safe for Augie and a fresh start.

---

This is where It happened. As you can see we now have a stair gate up, but it’s still not safe because my bloody skirt got caught while I was taking him downstairs. I fucking hate stairs!

We now also have a cage playpen. Even when I know the stair gates are closed I still can’t shake my fears and poor Augie is locked up. Luckily he loves it in there with his toys (for now).

That Time of Year

I’ve been having one of those weeks where I really miss having my mum around. I think the influx of Christmas does it to me. Christmas was  BIG DEAL for my mum. I remember her last Christmas so vividly and it feels like yesterday that we were at the shops every day planning the perfect (last) Christmas.

I took Augie to the shops last Friday and we sat in the outdoor eating area so I could give him a bottle. It was quite nice just the two of us in the sunshine and there was a musician playing songs. A lady sat near us with her mum and a baby the same age as Augie and it just made me so, so sad.

This would have been exactly the sort of thing my mum and I would have been doing together. Nothing special, just a trip to Kmart for some Christmas things and then some groceries from Coles. An extra pair of hands to help with Augie and plan the Christmas festivities.

I watched the mother and daughter and wondered if they knew how lucky they were. But then I realised that someone who desperately wants a baby could be watching me with Augie and wonder if I know how lucky I am. I try to be grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t cancel out the loss.

I silently willed the musician to play a song that would show me that my mum was there with us. He played Stairway to Heaven. It wasn’t a special song to us, but I tried to find some meaning in it anyway.

But, at least it is hard to stay sad for too long with this cheeky little monkey beside me as type.

56

Dear mum,

I know that you would forgive me for writing this letter a week late. Now that I have a newborn baby I seem to be late for everything. I am sure that you would find it hilarious to see me turning into you!

Just one month and one day before your 56th birthday I gave birth to a little boy. Your second grandchild, both bubs born in the past year. I named my little boy August to honour you. Your birthday is in August and the entire month reminds me of you. Even though he will now have to answer the same question for the rest of his life:

“Were you born in August?”
“No”
“Then why are you called August?“

Sorry Augie!

Having a baby has made me discover entire new ways to grieve you.

Every day I look at August and all I can think about is how hard it must have been for you to be sick and know that you were leaving us kids. I love him so much and my biggest fear is not being here for him. Then I burst into tears because I feel so bad that you had to go through that. It’s only now that I can understand the torment you must have gone through.

Most of all I am just heart broken that you have missed out on being in your grandkids lives. They are the sweetest little people and you would love them more than anything in the entire world. Being a grandmother to them would have been the best time of your life.

Oh and I could really do with your help mum! I don’t know anything about being a parent and I just really wish you were here to help me through it. Even though, let’s face it, I am sure some days you would annoy the hell out of me with your advice.

Penelope

I made you a birthday cake this year. I like to think August helped me, and he kind of did because he had a long sleep and let me bake. I am looking forward to baking a cake for you every year with Augie, it’ll be a lovely tradition for us to remember you. Plus, you know me… any excuse for cake!

Happy Birthday mum. Please know that you are missed in so many ways, every single day. Never more so than this past year.

Love ya mum.

xxoo

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Read 54

Lessons from Mum

My baby will never get to meet my mum, but there is still so much I want them to learn from her. We were complete opposites and so I feel like it’s such a loss for my baby that they won’t have her unique guidance in their life.

Where she was strong, I am weak. Where she was brave, I am scared. Where she was wild, I am meek. All I can do is keep my mum’s memory alive for my little baby and hope that I can impart all the wisdom and life lessons that she would have.

Here is what I know my mum would have taught her grandchild:

The importance of learning
My mum was kicked out of just about every Catholic school in Melbourne by the time she was 15 and then pregnant at 16. It’s fair to say she had a wild side! Because of her lack of education, she was adamant that us kids would have a good education. Me and my brothers were all lucky in that we did well academically at school (PE was a very different story though…). Back then we didn’t have labels for kids who struggled in school and misbehaved and most teachers just pegged them as bad or stupid kids. My mum had a great affinity with these kids and spent countless hours at the school helping them with their reading and writing. She refused to give up on any kid and never made them feel stupid because they couldn’t read. Even when they acted out, she didn’t get upset with them or judge them, her only focus was making sure that they had every opportunity to learn and that they knew they were worth the effort.

How to have a good time
Compared to my mum, I am a total stick in the mud. She was impulsive, silly and maybe a little crazy (OK, pretty crazy). She didn’t plan things, she was late for everything, she was too loud and often times a complete embarrassment to me. She just didn’t see the point in following the rules of life (as long as it didn’t hurt anyone). She loved nothing more than laughing hysterically until she fell into a coughing fit or wet her pants. When she started laughing, you would start laughing too because her laugh was just hilariously infectious… and because you knew she was going to wet her pants!

Don’t let people push you around
She didn’t put up with people pushing her around and she certainly wouldn’t tolerate it if anyone did it to her kids. I was an incredibly shy kid who was pretty much scared of my own shadow. If she ever thought I was being mistreated or missing out on anything, she would march over and sort the situation out. Many a teacher, doctor, shop assistant, extended family member or school parent would cop her wrath if they thought they could get away with pushing me around. Even when I was well into my 20’s (OK, maybe even my 30’s) she would hear about something that had upset me and try to work out how she could sort it out for me. It might make her sound overbearing, but she just hated to see people who couldn’t stand up for themselves get pushed around.

If it was important to me, it was important to her
My mum always made sure I knew that my feelings were important. Maybe it was because she really wasn’t that much older than me, she remember what it was like to be ignored or not heard because you were just a kid. Our family didn’t have much when we were growing up, but if I really wanted something, even if it was frivolous like an ice cream cake for my birthday or 90210 pjs or a fluro ski headband (WTF was I thinking?), she would move heaven and earth to make sure I didn’t miss out. Often to my poor dad’s frustration who then had to find the money for these treats! I wrote more about it here at my old blog all the way back in 2008. She would stay up late sewing clothes so I had something to wear to the school disco and wouldn’t be teased. She paid attention when I said I didn’t want to go to sports day and be humiliated. She would drop me off in town to hang out and spy on my crush, even though we had no money for petrol. In hindsight I can see that none of these things really matter, but they mattered to me at the time, so she made sure it was important to her too.

Being different is OK
She was different to the other mum’s in our very small country town and she was judged quite harshly by a lot of people. She swore, she smoked, she didn’t go to church, she wore pyjamas all day, she laughed too loud, she made dirty jokes, she dyed her hair crazy colours and she wore big jewellery. That might not sound crazy, but back then in our little country town it was outlandish behaviour. She didn’t change who she was though because other people didn’t like it. Not even slightly. If people didn’t like her the way she was, then she simply didn’t want to be around them. It was their problem, not hers.

Being a mum is an important job
She loved being a mum, it was all she ever wanted to do (and be a grandparent). She thought kids were important and raising them was a privilege. She never acted like she needed more or that being our mum was a let down. Even when I would snottily make it clear that I was going to be a career woman, she didn’t mind my attitude and just said she would gladly look after my kids so I could go and have a career. She saw value in her role in the world and wouldn’t let anyone take that away from her.

Maybe that last lesson is more for me than my baby. As I am about to become a mum, I want my kid to know how much I will treasure that role, even if I am not perfect, I will be doing my best. Just like my mum.

Me and mum

Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away, my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife moved 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.

Week 16: 3 February

This week I finally told people at work that I am pregnant. I didn’t really plan on telling my boss just yet, but an opportunity came us where we were having a big talk (i.e. she was telling me off) and it was the right time to tell her. She then proceeded to tell my team a few days later because she said if I wasn’t going to do it, she was going to tell them. So that seemed a bit weird. No one believed her at first, which has been a common reaction. I am not sure why this has shocked everyone so much?!

So now just about everyone I am close with knows I’m pregnant. It has been such a weird and awkward experience telling people I am pregnant because it feels like such a personal thing to share. I really hate talking about myself normally and now I am getting so many questions (which is lovely of people to care) but I feel quite uncomfortable. Has anyone else felt like that?

How far along:  16 weeks, yay! Ive been excited to get to this point. It seems like I am really getting there. Next milestone is 20 weeks. 🙂

How big is baby: The size of an avocado, which is weird when I have eaten avocado for lunch every day this week.

Sleep: The insomnia hasn’t been too bad this week, but sleep has been a bit lacking due to the very early mornings for my long commute to work.

Symptoms: Just so bloody tired. I have found myself pretty much done for the day at 3.00 pm and barely able to function after that. It might have more to do with the heat and the commute to work than the baby. Also, I feel like my hair looks like shit lately, is this a pregnancy thing or just having a bad hair month?

Best moment of this week: AJ got a new job, which has nothing to do with the baby, but I am excited for him. Unfortunately this means he won’t get much paternity leave, but hopefully he’ll be able to take 2 weeks off when I have bubs. I have a feeling I will have my hands full!

Miss anything: I’m still missing my mum. Ive been trying not to think about it, but I had a horrible dream on Saturday morning that my gran passed away and my mum was hysterical because it meant that I didn’t have her or my gran to be there for me and the baby and she was worried about me. I woke up sobbing and just haven’t felt good all week. My gran is actually alive in real life, but she hasn’t known who I am for 5 years and can’t really communicate with me at all. So even though she’s still alive, I miss her so much too. It’s just really bought home for me that I don’t have my mum or gran with me. It doesn’t help when so many people keep saying things to me about my mum. People just assume my mum is still around and will help me with the baby and I have to correct them. The HR girl at work was awful because she was pushing me to give her a date for my return to work and I said it would depend on childcare and she flippantly said “can’t your mum just babysit?”, which was just annoying on a number of levels.

Movement: I’m not feeling anything. Maybe in the next few weeks.

Food cravings: Nothing too much, just dry/carby foods and fruit. Nothing weird. I am trying to eat better this week after eating sooooo much take away while we were moving.

Anything making you queasy or sick: No issues this week, but I still can’t stand the sight of chili, onion, capsicum, tomato, mints, coffee and pepsi max. That’s been consistent for my entire pregnancy.

Gender: I still don’t know, I always think of it as a little girl, but that’s just because I want a girl!

How’s your mood: Don’t ask! Oh dear, its been a bit tough again this week. I have felt teary and emotional all week and just not like myself. I am blaming the hormones.

Looking forward to: Just fast forwarding through the next 4 months and being in my new house and having a big fat baby bump.

The Bump: I can really feel it now when I am laying in bed, but no one else can really see it yet. Now that people at work know I am pregnant everyone keeps saying that they can’t believe I am 16 weeks pregnant because you can’t tell. I think it’s quite normal not to have a bump until about 20 weeks for your first pregnancy. Obviously I have a bit of padding for the bump to poke through yet.