That’s a First

It’s been about 7 years now since I lost a significant amount of weight, but this weekend I experienced a new “first”. When I was initially losing the bulk of the weight after my lapband I was constantly experiencing these firsts and it was an exciting and daunting time in my life.

I can vividly remember so many of these firsts: Going on an amusement park ride, buying clothes from regular size shops, doing up my seatbelt buckle on a plane, getting a massage, travelling overseas, learning to drive, applying for professional work, swimming at the beach, going to a music festival. It makes me emotional just to think about it.

So, this weekend I went on a jumping castle for the first time in my life! AJ’s sister has recently bought a jumping castle business (what a cool job!) and she needed help packing down after an event. When we got there everyone had already left and she asked if we wanted to have a jump before we packed up. I am normally a bit of a reserved person, but I didn’t hesitate, I kicked off my shoes and jumped in. It was so much fun!!!

When I was a little girl I used to pretend that I was too scared to do things like go in jumping castles (and dive in the pool and go water skiing and go on amusement rides). I honestly thought I was so fat that I would break a jumping castle, but of course I wasn’t. I was so scared of being embarrassed or teased by other kids that I held myself back from so many life experiences.

I wish I didn’t wait to lose weight before living my life to the full, but I’m happy I am doing it now!

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Playing Catch Up

So my life lately has really been consumed by work. I haven’t been able to focus on losing weight, but I don’t think I’ve gained weight either. I am counting that as a massive win for me! I am eating healthy on week days (weekends are a disaster) and I’m walking about 25 minutes each way to work most days to keep moving. I need to do more, but lately I just haven’t had the energy and I don’t want to beat myself up about it.

I’ve been in my ‘new’ job for 4 months exactly today. I think I am finally starting to get the hang of it. I still have a long way to go, but I am ever so slightly less panicked and I have even made a couple of friends. I still wish I was living the good life and didn’t have to work though. Man, I really enjoyed that enforced redundancy break. I shouldn’t complain too much though because I guess I am grateful to have a good job.

So my life has really been all about work, but here is what else has been going on in between…

We bought a new car! It was a spur of the moment decision, we had gone out to buy a toaster and ended up driving past a dealership and stopped in for a look. God we are suckers. I am not into cars, but AJ is happy because it does fast sporty things and I am happy because it has heated seats. Win, win.

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AJ was asked to speak at a conference in Sydney, so I took the opportunity to join him and make it a long weekend. My brother and sister in law moved to Sydney last year, so it was great to visit them and also plan a little break to the cute wine area of Mudgee. I loved it, we had a blast.

While we were in Sydney we nabbed tickets to see Ben Folds (one of my favourites) at the Sydney Opera House. I had always wanted to see a show at the Opera House so that was awesome. Sydney is so much fun!

My sister in law is due to have her baby on the 25th October. Eeeek, I can’t believe I’ll be an aunty for the first time soon. I threw her a baby shower in the pub underneath my apartment last month. I stressed myself out with the whole thing of course. Party planning is hard work, but it went really well. Phew.

We are still waiting for our townhouse to be built. Originally it was supposed to be finished in August… and we are now in October and we are still a long way off. Apparently the builder has had health issues and has had to have treatment in France, so I guess there isn’t much we can do about it. What makes me nervous is that my rental apartment is being sold and going to auction this weekend. So there is a good chance we are going to be without a house. Shit, shit, shit.

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That’s all folks.

xxoo

I Can’t Wait…

When I was recently reflecting on 7 years with the lapband, I found this post from my old blog talking about all the things I can’t wait to do when I lose weight.

Wow I had really forgotten how much I hated myself and just how scared of life I used to be at 130 kilos. I thought that I still had a lot of issues now (and I probably do), but I can really see just how far I have come in the past 7 years.

Reading through this list I felt so sad for the old me, but also grateful for the life I have now.

Strap yourself in, it’s a long one.

Here is what from 2009 couldn’t wait to do when I lost weight:

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
Shopping is definitely easier, but it’s still not something I enjoy much. Those change rooms are still tortuous. Is shopping fun for anyone?
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
LOL! Yes, I guess I can do this now, but I’d rather pay someone else to have to deal with my manky feet!
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
Ummm… this is a bit TMI! Obviously I thought I was going to become Samantha from SITC when I lost weight… Well let’s just say that I am still a bit lazy in the sack.
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
Yes! Just last Thursday night I stopped by the shops to get some new jeans from Just Jeans in a size 14 and they weren’t even stretchy. That is a big achievement for me!
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
Oh God no, I still hate running into old friends, but that is mostly due to my anti-social nature.
~ Go on hikes with my family
I did do a bit of this, especially while travelling in Canada in 2010. In fact next weekend I am going on a walk with my (ex) sister-in-law. Anytime I am in a situation when I am walking or hiking with friends I always feel grateful that I can do it now because I remember how hard it used to be and how much it scared me.
~ Fit into everything in ‘normal’ shops
Nope. Not even close. I can fit into skirts and and pants normally, but not dresses or tops because I am still quite big across the top. I do get lucky sometimes and can fit into an oversize top or dress. It’s still sooooo much easier than it was before.
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
I have done this, but they are normally still stretchy boots, my calves are still a little chunky.
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
I don’t think I will EVER lose the fear of breaking seats. I have PTSD when it comes to flimsy seats.  Just the other day I tried to make AJ swap seats with me at a restaurant because I thought mine would break, but I forgot that I actually weigh less than him now, so I had to take the dodgy seat.
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
I forgot about those looks! I haven’t stressed about being shamed for eating in public in a long time. Unfortunately I am still very likely to spill food on myself when eating in public. I’m still a grub.
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
Oh this makes me sad for past me. I remember how hard I found it to look at myself in the mirror at the hairdressers. How much I hated myself. I still curse myself for going to the salon and not wearing makeup or my double chin caused by those unflattering capes, but it doesn’t upset me.
~ Shop in designer stores
No, can’t do that, but that’s OK.
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
Yes, I love getting massages now. I remember how much I hated my first massage when I was at my biggest. It was physically painful to be on the massage table and I hated every second of it.
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
Ha ha… no I still can’t manage high heels. Probably never going to happen because I have foot issues from plantar faciitis and I am not coordinated.
~ Have a summer where I don’t get so hot and sweaty
I actually love summer now and rarely feel overly hot and sweaty. If anything, I tend to be too cold most of the time and will even wear tights and coats through summer. What a difference.
~ Ride a bike
I am shit scared of riding bikes in the city! I have ridden a bike when I went to Lombok a couple of years ago and it felt amazing to ride around the island and to the beach on a bike. If I lived in a smaller town I would definitely buy a bike.
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
I thoroughly enjoy having beauty treatments now. I would do it every day if I could afford it.
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
Well that is something I still strive to do every single day. I am getting better, but I am still a long way from being successful.
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
No, I simply can’t be fucked…
~ Have a flat stomach
Thanks to my body lift surgery I have a pretty flat stomach (but lumpy back)
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
I haven’t really done this because I am not really a sporty kind of person. I am not motivated by team sports or gym classes, but I could probably keep up enough so that I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I have semi-regularly attended yoga and Pilates classes over the years without too much embarrassment.
~ Use public toilets comfortably
Oh yeah, I forgot how difficult those small cubicals could be to navigate. Especially when they wedge in a huge sanitary napkin bin right next to the seat. Now my only issues with public toilets are that I am a germophobe. I still can’t really hover either, I do not have the strength… I should do more squats!
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
Yes I can most of the time (except for issues with my plantar faciitis). I am so grateful for having better physical fitness and stamina.
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
An hour ago I would have said no, but after reading this list I have realised how much my confidence has actually improved. So this is a yes!
~ Sit on someones lap
I regularly annoy AJ by sitting on his lap and tickling him or interrupting his iPad games.
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
Noooooo, I still look ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I probably look more ridiculous because I will attempt to drop it like it’s hot or be all sexy and I cannot pull it off.
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
I can do this, but will normally use my hands because it’s easier.
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
I do have the energy to do anything on holidays now, but I very often choose to relax and do as little as possible. Since losing weight I have had some amazing adventures on holidays that involve hiking, helicopters, beaches, canoes, bikes, dancing, boats and all the things I didn’t think I could do before.
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
I don’t worry about this anymore.
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
Yes, it is such an amazing moment when you can do this for the first time after being overweight for so long. What a feeling.
~ Go to Disney World and ride any ride I want to
I did this on a trip to the USA in 2010 and I had an amazing time. I think I was the happiest person at Disney World that day!
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
I don’t think I do this anymore??? I do still eat my feelings, but that is a seperate issue.
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
Was I thinking that I would be a swimsuit model when I lost weight? No I don’t think I feel confident, but I am much better than I used to be. Just last weekend I went to the Mornington Peninsula hot springs and walked around in my bathers just fine.
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
This doesn’t happen too much, but that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it!
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
Ha ha, this still happens! I don’t really wear shorts very often for that reason.
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
Well I just went through this after being made redundant and I have to say that I didn’t feel like my weight was a factor in any of the job interviews I had.
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
I think I could do this, but I normally just dry myself and get dressed, I don’t really prance around in just a towel.
~ Go to the beach with friends
I am sure I have done this, but I am not really a beach person, I prefer to swim in pools. Or just sit by the pool with a cocktail.
~ Be able to see my vagina again
Oh wow, I forgot how honest I can be. Thanks to that body lift surgery my vagina is back in full view!
~ Feel normal
Well normal is a very loaded word. I am going to say that I do feel normal enough, especially in comparison to how I used to feel.
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
Yes, but I still hate exercising in the gym (because I am lazy).
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
AJ does often pick me, but I am not exactly a lightweight, he can only pick me up a few feet off the ground.
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I’ll wear
I will never stop being neurotic about how I look and what I wear at events. Even if I was a size 8 I would still stress about how I look. I am about 90% better than I used to be though.
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
I haven’t actually tried, maybe I will try tomorrow morning. Does it even matter?
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
Yep, I have done this many, many times. I never take it for granted though.
~ Feel young, pretty and carefree
Wow, that is a strange thing to say. I can’t say that I have ever felt that way, but maybe I was expecting too much from weight loss?
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
I love doing this now.
~ Run when I want or need to
I frequently run for the tram, but that’s about it!
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
I often have girly days at spas, wineries or the races and don’t feel like my weight is an issue (though I don’t think my friends ever felt like my weight was an issue, that was just me)
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
Not as much as I had hoped, but a huge improvement on what I used to be when I was 50 kilos heavier. Spanx helps!
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
Generally this is OK, but I still have the occasional chaffing incident. Ouch.
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
Yes and no. I have mixed success on this, I still often think I am not attractive enough to be liked or accepted by people.
~ Not be scared of new things
I am much better at this, but my nature is still that of a scaredy cat.
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size
I don’t think I do let my weight hold me back from too much these days. I still have my issues with food and self confidence, but I am doing OK.

This is a photo of me taken today at the build site of our new townhouse (about to fall off that plank of wood into the mud). I don’t know exactly what I weigh, but I am feeling better in my skin.

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Funemployed

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I’ve been unemployed for about 5 weeks now and I can’t even pretend to wish I was working. I bloody love not working! This is the life of leisure that I was always supposed to lead.

I haven’t been bored once. If anything, I find there is not normally enough time to do all the things I had hoped to achieve (mostly because I sleep too late or watch too much TV).

This is a typical day for me right now…

7.30: Alarm goes off, go back to sleep
8.30: Actually wake up for real
8.30 – 9.30: Lie in bed and play on my phone and procastinate going to the gym
9.30 – 10.30: Go to the gym in my apartment building
10.30 – 11.30: Housework
11.30 – 12.00: Shower and get dressed
12.00 – 1.00: Look for work
1.00 – 1.30: Make and eat lunch
1.30 – 4.00: Job applications, surf internet, watch TV
4.00 – 5.00: Go for a walk and listen to podcasts
5.00 – 7.00: Buy groceries and cook dinner
7.00 – 8.00: Eat dinner and clean up the kitchen
8.00 – 11.00: Watch TV
11.00 – 12.00: Read in bed

(Other activities include shopping, lunching with friends, reading blogs all day and thinking about food)

Honestly, this is the best life. If only I could afford to live like this forever. Maybe I’ll start getting bored, but I doubt it… not while the internet and Netflix exist.

It’s not all sunshine and lollipops though. I probably have about another week or two before I start panicking about finding a job. Then I’ll just have to drop my standards and start applying for anything. Until then, I am trying to enjoy this precious break while I have it.

Balancing Act

I struggle with balance more than I struggle with anything else when it comes to food. I am a classic all or nothing personality with food… and with a lot of other things in life… If eat a slice of pizza, I may as well eat the whole thing… and a tub of ice cream to wash it down. It doesn’t matter if I am not hungry, I better eat all of the food because I will be back on the ‘diet’ tomorrow.

I could have a perfectly lovely dinner with friends and then come home and raid the fridge because I had blown the diet now anyway. So I started to say no to social invitations because I couldn’t trust myself to eat like a normal person. I would overthink what I would eat (I’ll just order the salad and only have one glass of wine) and then I would come home and binge on whatever crap I could find.

In the first week of the new year my girlfriend invited me to enjoy drinks in the sunshine while we were on holidays from work. As usual, I had overindulged during the holidays and felt like I should stick to clean and healthy living until my pants buttoned up again, so I declined the invitation. Then I got angry at myself because I felt like I was always saying no to fun things because of my stupid diet.

This triggered me to assess what the hell I am doing with my life. Why do I make life so miserable for myself? Don’t I have enough shitty things in my life, without deliberately making my life shittier?

So now I am trying to find a way I can balance having a fun social life, with living a healthy lifestyle. This doesn’t come naturally to me at all. I either want to stay home and avoid being around food completely or go out and eat like a crazy person.

I am getting better, slowly. On Friday night I went out after work and had one glass of wine and then came home and ate a normal healthy dinner. Every fibre of my being wanted to keep the party going and head out for more drinks and an indulgent dinner. But I know that if I can enjoy learn to enjoy life in a more balanced way, I’ll get to experience more and maintain a more healthy weight. It’s worth a shot.

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Walk the Line

I’m trying very hard to do things this year that make me feel healthy and happy. It feels like there are a few big things in my life that are hard to change that make me unhappy (though I am trying). So I am trying to focus on the little things I can do to be happy.

The first thing I started doing was walking half way to work every morning and half way home every evening. Instead of catching two trams to work, I walk the 25 minutes by the river to my tram stop. It really only adds about 10 minutes to my commute because it means I don’t have to catch one of my trams.

I love the city, but being around trees and nature just makes me feel at peace. It gives me the same soothing feeling that chocolate does… well maybe not quite as good, but close! It really is the perfect way to start and finish my work day.

I have always loved walking to work, but stopped due to chronic plantar fasciitis pain. It hasn’t improved, but I have decided to live with the pain for now because I really want to move more and be invigorated by nature.

The bonus is that it means I spend less time on crowded trams and I get some exercise.