Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away, my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife moved 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.


Valium and Netflix

I just realised that I have been in my ‘new’ job for 8 weeks now. It feels like 8 seconds and 8 years at the same time.

I’m not sure if I have ever worked as hard in my life as I have in this job. Or maybe I am just feeling old and tired? Actually, I think that might be it.

I don’t know if I have the energy to establish myself in yet another job. I just feel tired and like I have lost the drive I once had around my career. I was so happy during my 2 month period of unemployment and I miss that feeling a lot.

I think that being made redundant in my last job kind of changed me. I don’t feel bitter or angry about it, but I guess I just find it hard to trust that my hard work will be rewarded or even valued. It makes me wonder why I am killing myself in yet another job and where it will get me. See, I am getting old and cynical!

All of this work stress, even though it’s mostly been manufactured in my own head, has left me feeling particularly anxious lately. I feel overwhelmed by simple tasks (OMG I have to wash my hair…), I’m being snappy to AJ (Close the effing fridge door!) and I’m protective of my personal time (What do you mean you said we’d babysit your sister’s kids all day Saturday?). Thank god for Valium and Netflix.

Despite all of this, I have managed to stick to my healthy eating goals (for the most part). I find that often when I am in the eye of the storm I can stay focussed on eating well. The adrenalin from my anxiety keeps me going. It’s not until everything slows down that I completely crash and burn into a pit of chocolate wrappers. I am determined not to let that happen this time. I’m on high alert!

I should mention that there are some perks to my new job. My company has ties to my favourite football team, which has meant I got to spend some time with these nice guys (and a few others). Swoon.


Me with Mitch Duncan and Tom Hawkins from Geelong Football Club

I Can’t Wait…

When I was recently reflecting on 7 years with the lapband, I found this post from my old blog talking about all the things I can’t wait to do when I lose weight.

Wow I had really forgotten how much I hated myself and just how scared of life I used to be at 130 kilos. I thought that I still had a lot of issues now (and I probably do), but I can really see just how far I have come in the past 7 years.

Reading through this list I felt so sad for the old me, but also grateful for the life I have now.

Strap yourself in, it’s a long one.

Here is what from 2009 couldn’t wait to do when I lost weight:

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
Shopping is definitely easier, but it’s still not something I enjoy much. Those change rooms are still tortuous. Is shopping fun for anyone?
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
LOL! Yes, I guess I can do this now, but I’d rather pay someone else to have to deal with my manky feet!
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
Ummm… this is a bit TMI! Obviously I thought I was going to become Samantha from SITC when I lost weight… Well let’s just say that I am still a bit lazy in the sack.
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
Yes! Just last Thursday night I stopped by the shops to get some new jeans from Just Jeans in a size 14 and they weren’t even stretchy. That is a big achievement for me!
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
Oh God no, I still hate running into old friends, but that is mostly due to my anti-social nature.
~ Go on hikes with my family
I did do a bit of this, especially while travelling in Canada in 2010. In fact next weekend I am going on a walk with my (ex) sister-in-law. Anytime I am in a situation when I am walking or hiking with friends I always feel grateful that I can do it now because I remember how hard it used to be and how much it scared me.
~ Fit into everything in ‘normal’ shops
Nope. Not even close. I can fit into skirts and and pants normally, but not dresses or tops because I am still quite big across the top. I do get lucky sometimes and can fit into an oversize top or dress. It’s still sooooo much easier than it was before.
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
I have done this, but they are normally still stretchy boots, my calves are still a little chunky.
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
I don’t think I will EVER lose the fear of breaking seats. I have PTSD when it comes to flimsy seats.  Just the other day I tried to make AJ swap seats with me at a restaurant because I thought mine would break, but I forgot that I actually weigh less than him now, so I had to take the dodgy seat.
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
I forgot about those looks! I haven’t stressed about being shamed for eating in public in a long time. Unfortunately I am still very likely to spill food on myself when eating in public. I’m still a grub.
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
Oh this makes me sad for past me. I remember how hard I found it to look at myself in the mirror at the hairdressers. How much I hated myself. I still curse myself for going to the salon and not wearing makeup or my double chin caused by those unflattering capes, but it doesn’t upset me.
~ Shop in designer stores
No, can’t do that, but that’s OK.
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
Yes, I love getting massages now. I remember how much I hated my first massage when I was at my biggest. It was physically painful to be on the massage table and I hated every second of it.
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
Ha ha… no I still can’t manage high heels. Probably never going to happen because I have foot issues from plantar faciitis and I am not coordinated.
~ Have a summer where I don’t get so hot and sweaty
I actually love summer now and rarely feel overly hot and sweaty. If anything, I tend to be too cold most of the time and will even wear tights and coats through summer. What a difference.
~ Ride a bike
I am shit scared of riding bikes in the city! I have ridden a bike when I went to Lombok a couple of years ago and it felt amazing to ride around the island and to the beach on a bike. If I lived in a smaller town I would definitely buy a bike.
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
I thoroughly enjoy having beauty treatments now. I would do it every day if I could afford it.
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
Well that is something I still strive to do every single day. I am getting better, but I am still a long way from being successful.
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
No, I simply can’t be fucked…
~ Have a flat stomach
Thanks to my body lift surgery I have a pretty flat stomach (but lumpy back)
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
I haven’t really done this because I am not really a sporty kind of person. I am not motivated by team sports or gym classes, but I could probably keep up enough so that I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I have semi-regularly attended yoga and Pilates classes over the years without too much embarrassment.
~ Use public toilets comfortably
Oh yeah, I forgot how difficult those small cubicals could be to navigate. Especially when they wedge in a huge sanitary napkin bin right next to the seat. Now my only issues with public toilets are that I am a germophobe. I still can’t really hover either, I do not have the strength… I should do more squats!
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
Yes I can most of the time (except for issues with my plantar faciitis). I am so grateful for having better physical fitness and stamina.
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
An hour ago I would have said no, but after reading this list I have realised how much my confidence has actually improved. So this is a yes!
~ Sit on someones lap
I regularly annoy AJ by sitting on his lap and tickling him or interrupting his iPad games.
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
Noooooo, I still look ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I probably look more ridiculous because I will attempt to drop it like it’s hot or be all sexy and I cannot pull it off.
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
I can do this, but will normally use my hands because it’s easier.
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
I do have the energy to do anything on holidays now, but I very often choose to relax and do as little as possible. Since losing weight I have had some amazing adventures on holidays that involve hiking, helicopters, beaches, canoes, bikes, dancing, boats and all the things I didn’t think I could do before.
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
I don’t worry about this anymore.
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
Yes, it is such an amazing moment when you can do this for the first time after being overweight for so long. What a feeling.
~ Go to Disney World and ride any ride I want to
I did this on a trip to the USA in 2010 and I had an amazing time. I think I was the happiest person at Disney World that day!
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
I don’t think I do this anymore??? I do still eat my feelings, but that is a seperate issue.
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
Was I thinking that I would be a swimsuit model when I lost weight? No I don’t think I feel confident, but I am much better than I used to be. Just last weekend I went to the Mornington Peninsula hot springs and walked around in my bathers just fine.
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
This doesn’t happen too much, but that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it!
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
Ha ha, this still happens! I don’t really wear shorts very often for that reason.
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
Well I just went through this after being made redundant and I have to say that I didn’t feel like my weight was a factor in any of the job interviews I had.
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
I think I could do this, but I normally just dry myself and get dressed, I don’t really prance around in just a towel.
~ Go to the beach with friends
I am sure I have done this, but I am not really a beach person, I prefer to swim in pools. Or just sit by the pool with a cocktail.
~ Be able to see my vagina again
Oh wow, I forgot how honest I can be. Thanks to that body lift surgery my vagina is back in full view!
~ Feel normal
Well normal is a very loaded word. I am going to say that I do feel normal enough, especially in comparison to how I used to feel.
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
Yes, but I still hate exercising in the gym (because I am lazy).
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
AJ does often pick me, but I am not exactly a lightweight, he can only pick me up a few feet off the ground.
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I’ll wear
I will never stop being neurotic about how I look and what I wear at events. Even if I was a size 8 I would still stress about how I look. I am about 90% better than I used to be though.
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
I haven’t actually tried, maybe I will try tomorrow morning. Does it even matter?
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
Yep, I have done this many, many times. I never take it for granted though.
~ Feel young, pretty and carefree
Wow, that is a strange thing to say. I can’t say that I have ever felt that way, but maybe I was expecting too much from weight loss?
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
I love doing this now.
~ Run when I want or need to
I frequently run for the tram, but that’s about it!
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
I often have girly days at spas, wineries or the races and don’t feel like my weight is an issue (though I don’t think my friends ever felt like my weight was an issue, that was just me)
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
Not as much as I had hoped, but a huge improvement on what I used to be when I was 50 kilos heavier. Spanx helps!
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
Generally this is OK, but I still have the occasional chaffing incident. Ouch.
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
Yes and no. I have mixed success on this, I still often think I am not attractive enough to be liked or accepted by people.
~ Not be scared of new things
I am much better at this, but my nature is still that of a scaredy cat.
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size
I don’t think I do let my weight hold me back from too much these days. I still have my issues with food and self confidence, but I am doing OK.

This is a photo of me taken today at the build site of our new townhouse (about to fall off that plank of wood into the mud). I don’t know exactly what I weigh, but I am feeling better in my skin.


I Got a Job!


Apparently now I am a Digital Marketer. Well trying to be anyway.

I really wanted this job, but now my anxiety has kicked in and I am wondering why the hell this company would hire me. I don’t know what I am doing. I am an imposter. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

I have always struggled with confidence at work (and with just about everything else), but it doesn’t help that I was made redundant from my last job. I don’t think I realised how hard that knocked my confidence until recently. I kept telling everyone that ‘I’m not taking it personally‘, but who am I kidding? I totally took it personally. Why would they get rid of me if they valued me as an employee?

Oh god. I have felt sick with nerves from the moment I accepted the role. Why can’t I just not work ever again? I don’t need money… I’ll change my lifestyle… I’ll just sleep in a tent and grow my own food…

I don’t start until Monday 6th June, so I have another week to relax at home wallow in a pit of self doubt.


Oh no

Wedding Dress

No, not my wedding… I was just a guest.

I bragged a while ago about purchasing a dress for AJ’s sister’s wedding nice and early so I didn’t have to stress about trying to lose weight or doing a frantic shopping centre dash at the last minute. Been there, done that.

I didn’t give it much thought until a few days before the wedding when I tried on the dress and announced that I don’t really like it that much anymore. Sigh. I didn’t exactly hate it, it just isn’t 100% what I would have chosen if I had all size options available to me. Oh well, too late now, suck it up.

I made it work anyway and was happy with how it came together in the end. I only had 30 minutes to get ready because we spent the day racing around setting up the venue. So it was a mad rush, but we made it to the church on time (anyone would think I was the one getting married).

I wish I had more reasons to get dressed up, so if you’re getting married, please invite me. I will drink way too much and make a fool of myself though.





The Bloody Scales


After being unexpectedly weighed by my plastic surgeon last week I decided I had to break my self-imposed scale ban and see what I weighed on my own scales. I figured I would have the home ground advantage with my own scales. When my surgeon weighed me I had drunk a glass of water and was wearing my underwear, which was obviously adding at least 5 kilos!

So I weighed myself last Friday morning and the result was 86.1 kilos (189.4 lbs) which was 2.4 kilos less than he weighed me. Phew. That number is much closer to where I thought my weight was currently sitting.

The ridiculous thing is that the number on the scale changes nothing. I am the same person I was before I knew how much I weighed. I should look and feel exactly the same regardless of whether I know or don’t know how much I weigh, right?

But, it doesn’t work like that for me because after knowing my weight I started feeling fatter. I stared at myself in the mirror at home and my brain was thinking “Oh yeah, you are really quite fat, look at your chubby face and how wide you are. Oh and those arms are like planks of wood, keep those covered up.”

It’s the Schrödinger’s cat of the scales. When I didn’t know how much I weighed I could be simultaneously thin or fat in my head. Once I knew the number, I was just fat.

Clearly weighing myself is not healthy for me. I am trying to feel good about my body regardless of its weight and size­­. So, I won’t make a habit of weighing myself in the future, but I will step on the scales occasionally to measure my progress, if I feel like it.


Being OK with Myself

body positive

I was losing the battle with binge eating at the start of this month. I was eating completely out of control and I was starting to panic that I was on my way down a dangerous path that would find me back at 130 kilos (286 lbs). I could see it happening, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Do you know what really helped me start to turn things around? I realised that I need to stop hating my body. It turns out that the more I hated myself, the more I wanted to punish myself with food.

A few weeks ago I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time and told myself that I am OK as I am now. I do still want to lose weight, but I am OK now too. This isn’t the first time I have tried this, but something sunk in this time.

I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to drop a lot of weight before going on an upcoming holiday and part of the chat I had with myself in the mirror was about this holiday. I told myself that it didn’t matter if I was 5 kilos heavier or 5 kilos lighter on holidays. I am OK as I am now and I deserve to have a fun holiday no matter what size I am.

I’m not a good example of body positivity by any means… I still grab my rolls of fat and screw up my face in the mirror and I still get frustrated that I can’t fit into cute clothes, but I am working at it.