The Worst

The worst happened. I always feared it would happen, but I didn’t really think it would. Augie fell down our stairs.

He’s OK.

How he is OK, I have no idea because he fell headfirst down 15 hardwood stairs. He didn’t slide down, he bounced down each and every stair. It’s actually very hard to even write that because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Sick to my stomach doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I got there in time to watch him fall and I raced after him hoping that he would lose momentum and stop falling. Of course that did’t happen and I could only scoop up his tiny body when he got to the end. My poor baby.

He cried immediately and then stopped after about 10 seconds of cuddles. He seemed like his old self (though the doctor later told me that he was probably in shock). AJ had raced down the stairs after me and I just said put him in the car, we are going to the hospital.

We are lucky that we live less than 5 kms from the Royal Children’s Hospital. It was a Saturday night and traffic was pretty good so we got there within about 15 minutes of his fall. I sang to him in the car and he laughed in the same places he always laughed and he was saying “ba ba ba” which was what he’d been saying to me all day. He seemed great, but I was actually more worried about deeper injuries that might not be immediately visible.

AJ dropped us off at emergency and went to park the car. When I took him out of his car seat I literally gasped when I saw the lumps that had already come up on his head. I went straight inside the hospital and told them what happened. Within a few minutes we were assessed by a nurse and then taken to a bed to be seen by a doctor.

I couldn’t believe how quiet it was in the hospital. There was only one other family in the waiting room! I later learned that we actually didn’t even make it to the waiting room and were triaged to see a doctor immediately. Later that night I walked past the actual waiting room that was full to the brim.

In our room, a young doctor performed a lot of tests on him, mostly to do with cognitive/head injury. They didn’t do x-rays or other scans because he was simply too young. Their main concern was bleeding on the brain so they continued to check his vital signs every hour until we were past the 6 hour mark, which is then considered fairly safe.

Augie was amazing and didn’t cry or get upset at all. He loved the attention from all the doctors and nurses and all the gadgets they had to perform tests on him. They gave me a cot for him and he slept a little bit, but woke every 20 minutes whimpering and needing cuddles. AJ had to go home once we knew Augie was ok. All 3 of us had a bad case of gastro and AJ was still in the thick of it. He was so sick that he went home and passed out on the bathroom floor. What a fucking night.

They let us go home at 2.00 am after they were confident he was ok. He was so tired and slept until 1.00 pm the next day… despite the fact I poked and prodded him all night to make sure he was ok.

All the doctors and nurses couldn’t quite believe that Augie was ok after such a terrible fall. Well, they couldn’t quite believe a baby had even suffered such a fall. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t have DHS out investigating us for being negligent parents. Some people I have told have acted like it’s no big deal. I mentioned that to AJ and said how surprised I was by this and he said those people are just being nice and trying not to make you feel bad. Probably true.

It is hard to explain how it happened. I really don’t know what I was thinking to have spaced out and let him get near the stairs. Or why I didn’t have a stair gate on. I always watch him. In fact, I normally sit with him. That night he had woken up because he’s teething and I got him out of bed for a cuddle. I didn’t even think he could crawl that far. I guess I was wrong. I can’t talk much more about it because it’s too hard to put myself back in that place and remember what happened.

For what it’s worth, AJ and I were both in the room when it happened. We were equally to blame and both feel horrible. In one sense I think we are both relieved that we are both to blame, I’m not sure how we could have forgiven each other if just one of us was to blame.

I’ll never forgive myself. I’m trying not to indulge too much in the guilt and instead focus on being so, so, so grateful that my baby is ok. Grateful is an understatement. When I saw him fall I honestly did not think he would be ok. I feel like the luckiest person alive to have a healthy baby.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that it’s now impossible to trust myself. How did I let this happen and what could happen next? I thought I was a vigilant parent. Obviously not. I don’t know what else I could do to put him in danger. The fear is keeping me up at night.

It goes without saying that we are now going to move house. We have two sets of stairs in our house and they make me feel sick to look at them. I am desperately searching the real estate websites for a rental. Most places in our budget are either tiny apartments or (double storey) townhouses. That’s not going to work. So what to do? I’m not sure yet, but I want to find a solution as soon as possible. I’ll be so sad to leave our place after less than a year, but I just want a house that is safe for Augie and a fresh start.

This is where It happened. As you can see we now have a stair gate up, but it’s still not safe because my bloody skirt got caught while I was taking him downstairs. I fucking hate stairs!

We now also have a cage playpen. Even when I know the stair gates are closed I still can’t shake my fears and poor Augie is locked up. Luckily he loves it in there with his toys (for now).


Week 15: 27 January

How far along: 15 weeks

How big is baby: The size of an apple

Sleep: Baaaaaad. I am so bloody tired. I’ve got insomnia, but I’ve been moving house too, so I am more exhausted than ever.

Symptoms: This week its been insomnia, heartburn, constipation (sorry!) and dizziness. I’ve also felt teary all week, which is unlike me, so I am not sure if it’s the hormones or just because I am so tired and its been a stressful week.

Best moment of this week: I am not sure there was a good moment this week.

I had to pack up my apartment and put it into storage and move out to AJ’s sister’s place in the country while we wait for our townhouse to finish being built. I am not sure when the townhouse will be done, hopefully June (baby is due 21st July). So in the meantime, we are living with AJ’s sister, her partner, their 2 year old, 4 year and 19 year old step son and his girlfriend. And we are commuting 90 minutes each way to work. Plus, I am beyond terrified of spiders and can barely function here because of my fear. Fuck my life. (Though I must say that my sister-in-law and her family have been so gracious and kind to take us in, I am so grateful).

Moving was physically and emotionally hard. I had to open my storage cage and go through my mum’s stuff that I put in there almost 3 years ago when she passed away and never opened again. I thought I would be OK, but AJ opened the first box and I immediately burst into tears. So we just packed it all up in new boxes and put it in storage, it was too much to deal with this week. Plus, moving house while 15 weeks pregnant is bloody tiring. I don’t recommend it!

Then to top it off, I’ve had one of the worst weeks at work that I have ever had. Let’s just say that the countdown to maternity leave is on… 5 months left…

Oh well, at least baby is doing fine. That is the main thing.

Miss anything: Sleep and my apartment. 

Movement: Nope, not feeling anything.

Food cravings: Nothing in particular. I did eat a lot of dumplings before I moved out of the city and into the country this week. Yum.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Still AJ sucking on mints in the car. I can’t take it!

Gender: ???

How’s your mood: Ha ha… Obviously I am a bit tired and emotional this week.

Looking forward to: Our townhouse being built and being able to set up our new house and the nursery. Hurry up!!!

The Bump: Still can’t see much happening, but I can feel the bump a bit when I lay down, it just feels kind of harder than normal.


Shit is Getting Real


My sister in law sent me my very first gift for bubs last week. I haven’t bought anything for the baby yet, it seems too soon and we are in the middle of moving, so there didn’t seem much point.

But it was really cool to hold up the tiny little onesies and try and picture our baby wearing it. Mind blowing. I don’t even really know how I get those clothes on the baby, but I guess I’ll work it out.

My sister in law also bought Penelope the same little white overalls and sent me a picture of her in them. How lovely it will be to have cousins so close in age. I am so glad it has worked out like this and they will always have each other.


She also sent me some stretch mark cream that she said worked for her. She didn’t get any stretch marks with her pregnancy last year, but that ship has already sailed for me about 20 years ago! I have stretch marks all over me and they really don’t bother me that much anymore. It seems pointless putting the cream on my jiggly stretched out skin, but I may as well give it a go.

Well, Well, Well…


Yes, that little blur is a baby in my tummy! Can you believe it? I really can’t. I am going to be a mum. You would think that after trying for quite some time and undergoing fertility treatment that I would be a little less surprised. It’s not like we didn’t plan this, I just didn’t really believe it would happen.

So, as of right now, I am 14 weeks pregnant and I am due on 21st July. I don’t know if we are having a boy or a girl yet… I think we will wait and let it be a surprise. If I can be patient.

I’ve been keeping some notes on the first 13 weeks of this pregnancy, which I’ll start posting on this blog now. Skip over them if baby stuff bores you to tears (that was me a couple of years ago). This is my first baby and you’ll quickly realise that I have no idea what I am doing! Any advice is happily accepted. 🙂


Oh and I haven’t really told many people yet, not even all of our immediate family, so if you happen to know me in real life, please help me keep the secret just a bit longer until I get the chance to tell everyone please!

First Day

Is there anything worse than the first day at a new job? Well, lucky me, I kind of get to do it twice. I started my new job on Monday and had off-site training with my new boss all day Monday and Tuesday. So now my first day in the office and meeting my team is tomorrow (Wednesday).

I was so nervous about starting work that I spent all day Sunday concocting a plan to escape. I worked out that it would be cheaper to live in a pool villa in Bali than in my little Melbourne apartment. So it would only make sense for me to move there right? Or I would also happily move to a little house in the mountains and spend my days working in a winery. They can even pay me in wine, I am totally OK with that arrangement.

I obviously sucked it up and started work on Monday and so far it has gone pretty well. I overreacted as per usual… As much as I love not working, I also love spending money, so work is a necessary evil that I will just have to deal with.

Now I just need to find out the most important thing… how soon I can start having my online shopping delivered to work.


Elevator selfie on my first day of work

I Got a Job!


Apparently now I am a Digital Marketer. Well trying to be anyway.

I really wanted this job, but now my anxiety has kicked in and I am wondering why the hell this company would hire me. I don’t know what I am doing. I am an imposter. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

I have always struggled with confidence at work (and with just about everything else), but it doesn’t help that I was made redundant from my last job. I don’t think I realised how hard that knocked my confidence until recently. I kept telling everyone that ‘I’m not taking it personally‘, but who am I kidding? I totally took it personally. Why would they get rid of me if they valued me as an employee?

Oh god. I have felt sick with nerves from the moment I accepted the role. Why can’t I just not work ever again? I don’t need money… I’ll change my lifestyle… I’ll just sleep in a tent and grow my own food…

I don’t start until Monday 6th June, so I have another week to relax at home wallow in a pit of self doubt.


Oh no

Downward Spiral


Since losing my job last week, a huge focus for me has been on making sure I don’t spiral into a dark (and fat) place. It doesn’t take much for me to lose myself and wake up 20 kilos heavier, even when life is going well.

Almost every year I seem to go down a hole at some point and gain anywhere between 5 – 30 kilos. Sometimes it is sparked by a stressful time in my life, but sometimes it just seems to happen and I don’t realise until I none of my clothes fit me and I don’t recognise myself in the mirror. I seem to be very good at living in denial.

I know that being unemployed could be a trigger for depression and anxiety for me as I am susceptible at the best of times. So right now I am really committed to focusing on my physical and mental health at this time when I know I might be vulnerable. I need to find a new job and I can only do that if I feel good about myself- mind, body and spirit.

One thing I can do for my physical and mental health is exercise. Who would have thought I would ever say that?

Prior to being made redundant from my job I hadn’t been to the gym in about a year. Let’s face it, the gym is just not a good time. It gets boring and people sweat everywhere and often lack basic manners. Now that I have a lot of spare time on my hands and energy to burn, I am back at the gym every day to try and get those happy endorphins.

I am lucky that my apartment building has a lovely gym and pool available for me to use for free and a great river trail just outside my front door. It also helps that I can exercise during the day and avoid the sweaty crowds. Plus, I really  don’t have much else to do with my day and it makes me feel like I have achieved something.

So I’ve got the exercise part covered, now I just need to turn my attention to stress/comfort/boredom eating… Oh but it is just so damn satisfying…