Well I went back to work last week. I’ll just be doing two days a week to start with and I might do an extra day from home. Oh my god, it was sooooo hard. Even harder than I had anticipated.
The night before I pretty much didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake at 4.30 am and I had to get up at 6.30 am. I just felt so sad to be leaving him for a full day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the day to day things that I would miss out on. I actually got weepy when I was showing AJ where his food bibs were and I pulled out a new one that I hadn’t used on Augie yet: “Oh, here’s a bib for tomorrow… I haven’t seen him in this one”. Sob. I don’t think I have cried once since becoming a Mum, I’m not much of a crier, so that shows you how hard this was for me.
I knew he would be perfectly fine because he was going to be with his dad. It just felt like the end of our happy little baby bubble and going back to the real world. I think I also felt like I wasn’t needed anymore. I can just leave for the day and he doesn’t need his mum (more sobbing).
Once I got to work I was OK. It was weird to be back in the office and I felt like I was living my old life pre-Augie. It was like being in a bizarro world. Unfortunately a lot has changed at work since I was there and barely anyone I used to work with is there anymore. It was like starting a whole new job. I really wish there were a few more familiar faces around.
I also felt like I wasn’t much use at work either. I have no idea what is going on anymore and the new team have there own groove, so I felt like I was in the way. There isn’t even space for me to sit with my team so I have been put around the corner on my own with all these empty desks and construction in a corridor where people walk through. Super depressing.
The hardest part is trying to get home in time to see Augie before he goes to bed. I only just make it in time to give him his bottle and put him to bed. I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes with him. That really isn’t OK with me.
I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how things unfold over the next few months. I’m sure it’ll get easier.
After I published my last blog post freaking out about my new job, AJ sensed that I was anxious and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. It was late on Sunday night, but I needed to get out of the apartment to try and calm my thoughts.
We seem to always have our best chats when we are just driving around and looking at the city lights. Normally one of us will convince the other that we need a chocolate sundae from McDonald’s. OK, normally its me that makes the case for a sundae. And a cheeseburger.
We decided to go for a drive to my new office and plan out all the different routes I could take to get there from my current apartment and my new house when I move. I found it strangely calming to get organised and know exactly where my commute would take me (and find the best bars close to my new office).
As we kept driving and talking, AJ said that he had been thinking about my mum that week and how proud she would be that I got this job. It meant so much to me that he acknowledged her and how she would feel about my achievement. There are so few people in my life who knew my mum. I find that I crave acknowledgement of her existence and how much she meant to me.
I had been thinking a lot about her all week and felt so sad I couldn’t tell her about my new job. The last time I got a new job she sent me these flowers because she was so proud of me.
My mum left school when she was about 12 and had her first baby at 16. She didn’t have an education or a career, but she was adamant that those options would be open for me. Whatever I chose to do, she would support me. I know she would have been proud of this new job and telling everyone she met in the supermarket or pharmacy that her daughter got a new job. She would have made it sound much more impressive than it actually was, but there would be no way she would believe that it wasn’t the most amazing job in the world. I did love to make her proud.
I find change so hard to deal with these days. It feels like every little way my life changes moves me further away from my mum and the life I had when she was alive. I know AJ really understands this because he lost his dad 9 years ago. I feel so lucky to have his support through everything that has happened with my mum. Thank god we have each other.
Last Saturday I accidentally went to see a psychic. Though, maybe it wasn’t an accident, maybe it was meant to be?
I had been wanting to see a psychic ever since my mum passed away, but I didn’t really know how or where to do it. Then after having lunch with a friend (a friend who was a good support when my mum passed away and is a bit of a mother figure to me) we browsed a local shop where I met a psychic and tarot card reader who worked there. I suddenly felt brave enough to ask if she had any availability that day. She happened to have a no-show at that exact time and she could squeeze me in right away.
I felt a strange connection to the psychic and I think we both felt like I was meant to come to her at that time. We spoke about many things and she seemed to know a lot of true information about me, my family, my life and my work. She also predicted a lot of things that seem quite plausible… and will hopefully come true.
She told me that my mum was with me as my spirit guide. She watches over me and helps guide me through the world. She spoke about a lot things that were specific to my mum- the bad relationship she had with my dad, guilt over things that happened to me as a child and that I need to stop worrying about my brother and take care of myself. I needed to hear some of those things.
It was a pretty emotional and overwhelming experience. It has certainly got under my skin and consumed my thoughts for the last few days. I really did feel closer to my mum and like I was able to communicate with her again – whether real or perceived – it doesn’t really matter.
I don’t know if I really believe in psychic powers, but I am open minded to things that I don’t understand. I know that speaking to the psychic bought me a lot of comfort and that is all that matters to me.
Oh, and Ill fill you in on whether any of her predictions come true…