Week 16: 3 February

This week I finally told people at work that I am pregnant. I didn’t really plan on telling my boss just yet, but an opportunity came us where we were having a big talk (i.e. she was telling me off) and it was the right time to tell her. She then proceeded to tell my team a few days later because she said if I wasn’t going to do it, she was going to tell them. So that seemed a bit weird. No one believed her at first, which has been a common reaction. I am not sure why this has shocked everyone so much?!

So now just about everyone I am close with knows I’m pregnant. It has been such a weird and awkward experience telling people I am pregnant because it feels like such a personal thing to share. I really hate talking about myself normally and now I am getting so many questions (which is lovely of people to care) but I feel quite uncomfortable. Has anyone else felt like that?

How far along:  16 weeks, yay! Ive been excited to get to this point. It seems like I am really getting there. Next milestone is 20 weeks. 🙂

How big is baby: The size of an avocado, which is weird when I have eaten avocado for lunch every day this week.

Sleep: The insomnia hasn’t been too bad this week, but sleep has been a bit lacking due to the very early mornings for my long commute to work.

Symptoms: Just so bloody tired. I have found myself pretty much done for the day at 3.00 pm and barely able to function after that. It might have more to do with the heat and the commute to work than the baby. Also, I feel like my hair looks like shit lately, is this a pregnancy thing or just having a bad hair month?

Best moment of this week: AJ got a new job, which has nothing to do with the baby, but I am excited for him. Unfortunately this means he won’t get much paternity leave, but hopefully he’ll be able to take 2 weeks off when I have bubs. I have a feeling I will have my hands full!

Miss anything: I’m still missing my mum. Ive been trying not to think about it, but I had a horrible dream on Saturday morning that my gran passed away and my mum was hysterical because it meant that I didn’t have her or my gran to be there for me and the baby and she was worried about me. I woke up sobbing and just haven’t felt good all week. My gran is actually alive in real life, but she hasn’t known who I am for 5 years and can’t really communicate with me at all. So even though she’s still alive, I miss her so much too. It’s just really bought home for me that I don’t have my mum or gran with me. It doesn’t help when so many people keep saying things to me about my mum. People just assume my mum is still around and will help me with the baby and I have to correct them. The HR girl at work was awful because she was pushing me to give her a date for my return to work and I said it would depend on childcare and she flippantly said “can’t your mum just babysit?”, which was just annoying on a number of levels.

Movement: I’m not feeling anything. Maybe in the next few weeks.

Food cravings: Nothing too much, just dry/carby foods and fruit. Nothing weird. I am trying to eat better this week after eating sooooo much take away while we were moving.

Anything making you queasy or sick: No issues this week, but I still can’t stand the sight of chili, onion, capsicum, tomato, mints, coffee and pepsi max. That’s been consistent for my entire pregnancy.

Gender: I still don’t know, I always think of it as a little girl, but that’s just because I want a girl!

How’s your mood: Don’t ask! Oh dear, its been a bit tough again this week. I have felt teary and emotional all week and just not like myself. I am blaming the hormones.

Looking forward to: Just fast forwarding through the next 4 months and being in my new house and having a big fat baby bump.

The Bump: I can really feel it now when I am laying in bed, but no one else can really see it yet. Now that people at work know I am pregnant everyone keeps saying that they can’t believe I am 16 weeks pregnant because you can’t tell. I think it’s quite normal not to have a bump until about 20 weeks for your first pregnancy. Obviously I have a bit of padding for the bump to poke through yet.

bumpie-2

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I Can’t Wait…

When I was recently reflecting on 7 years with the lapband, I found this post from my old blog talking about all the things I can’t wait to do when I lose weight.

Wow I had really forgotten how much I hated myself and just how scared of life I used to be at 130 kilos. I thought that I still had a lot of issues now (and I probably do), but I can really see just how far I have come in the past 7 years.

Reading through this list I felt so sad for the old me, but also grateful for the life I have now.

Strap yourself in, it’s a long one.

Here is what from 2009 couldn’t wait to do when I lost weight:

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
Shopping is definitely easier, but it’s still not something I enjoy much. Those change rooms are still tortuous. Is shopping fun for anyone?
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
LOL! Yes, I guess I can do this now, but I’d rather pay someone else to have to deal with my manky feet!
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
Ummm… this is a bit TMI! Obviously I thought I was going to become Samantha from SITC when I lost weight… Well let’s just say that I am still a bit lazy in the sack.
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
Yes! Just last Thursday night I stopped by the shops to get some new jeans from Just Jeans in a size 14 and they weren’t even stretchy. That is a big achievement for me!
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
Oh God no, I still hate running into old friends, but that is mostly due to my anti-social nature.
~ Go on hikes with my family
I did do a bit of this, especially while travelling in Canada in 2010. In fact next weekend I am going on a walk with my (ex) sister-in-law. Anytime I am in a situation when I am walking or hiking with friends I always feel grateful that I can do it now because I remember how hard it used to be and how much it scared me.
~ Fit into everything in ‘normal’ shops
Nope. Not even close. I can fit into skirts and and pants normally, but not dresses or tops because I am still quite big across the top. I do get lucky sometimes and can fit into an oversize top or dress. It’s still sooooo much easier than it was before.
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
I have done this, but they are normally still stretchy boots, my calves are still a little chunky.
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
I don’t think I will EVER lose the fear of breaking seats. I have PTSD when it comes to flimsy seats.  Just the other day I tried to make AJ swap seats with me at a restaurant because I thought mine would break, but I forgot that I actually weigh less than him now, so I had to take the dodgy seat.
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
I forgot about those looks! I haven’t stressed about being shamed for eating in public in a long time. Unfortunately I am still very likely to spill food on myself when eating in public. I’m still a grub.
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
Oh this makes me sad for past me. I remember how hard I found it to look at myself in the mirror at the hairdressers. How much I hated myself. I still curse myself for going to the salon and not wearing makeup or my double chin caused by those unflattering capes, but it doesn’t upset me.
~ Shop in designer stores
No, can’t do that, but that’s OK.
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
Yes, I love getting massages now. I remember how much I hated my first massage when I was at my biggest. It was physically painful to be on the massage table and I hated every second of it.
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
Ha ha… no I still can’t manage high heels. Probably never going to happen because I have foot issues from plantar faciitis and I am not coordinated.
~ Have a summer where I don’t get so hot and sweaty
I actually love summer now and rarely feel overly hot and sweaty. If anything, I tend to be too cold most of the time and will even wear tights and coats through summer. What a difference.
~ Ride a bike
I am shit scared of riding bikes in the city! I have ridden a bike when I went to Lombok a couple of years ago and it felt amazing to ride around the island and to the beach on a bike. If I lived in a smaller town I would definitely buy a bike.
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
I thoroughly enjoy having beauty treatments now. I would do it every day if I could afford it.
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
Well that is something I still strive to do every single day. I am getting better, but I am still a long way from being successful.
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
No, I simply can’t be fucked…
~ Have a flat stomach
Thanks to my body lift surgery I have a pretty flat stomach (but lumpy back)
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
I haven’t really done this because I am not really a sporty kind of person. I am not motivated by team sports or gym classes, but I could probably keep up enough so that I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I have semi-regularly attended yoga and Pilates classes over the years without too much embarrassment.
~ Use public toilets comfortably
Oh yeah, I forgot how difficult those small cubicals could be to navigate. Especially when they wedge in a huge sanitary napkin bin right next to the seat. Now my only issues with public toilets are that I am a germophobe. I still can’t really hover either, I do not have the strength… I should do more squats!
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
Yes I can most of the time (except for issues with my plantar faciitis). I am so grateful for having better physical fitness and stamina.
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
An hour ago I would have said no, but after reading this list I have realised how much my confidence has actually improved. So this is a yes!
~ Sit on someones lap
I regularly annoy AJ by sitting on his lap and tickling him or interrupting his iPad games.
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
Noooooo, I still look ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I probably look more ridiculous because I will attempt to drop it like it’s hot or be all sexy and I cannot pull it off.
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
I can do this, but will normally use my hands because it’s easier.
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
I do have the energy to do anything on holidays now, but I very often choose to relax and do as little as possible. Since losing weight I have had some amazing adventures on holidays that involve hiking, helicopters, beaches, canoes, bikes, dancing, boats and all the things I didn’t think I could do before.
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
I don’t worry about this anymore.
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
Yes, it is such an amazing moment when you can do this for the first time after being overweight for so long. What a feeling.
~ Go to Disney World and ride any ride I want to
I did this on a trip to the USA in 2010 and I had an amazing time. I think I was the happiest person at Disney World that day!
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
I don’t think I do this anymore??? I do still eat my feelings, but that is a seperate issue.
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
Was I thinking that I would be a swimsuit model when I lost weight? No I don’t think I feel confident, but I am much better than I used to be. Just last weekend I went to the Mornington Peninsula hot springs and walked around in my bathers just fine.
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
This doesn’t happen too much, but that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it!
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
Ha ha, this still happens! I don’t really wear shorts very often for that reason.
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
Well I just went through this after being made redundant and I have to say that I didn’t feel like my weight was a factor in any of the job interviews I had.
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
I think I could do this, but I normally just dry myself and get dressed, I don’t really prance around in just a towel.
~ Go to the beach with friends
I am sure I have done this, but I am not really a beach person, I prefer to swim in pools. Or just sit by the pool with a cocktail.
~ Be able to see my vagina again
Oh wow, I forgot how honest I can be. Thanks to that body lift surgery my vagina is back in full view!
~ Feel normal
Well normal is a very loaded word. I am going to say that I do feel normal enough, especially in comparison to how I used to feel.
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
Yes, but I still hate exercising in the gym (because I am lazy).
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
AJ does often pick me, but I am not exactly a lightweight, he can only pick me up a few feet off the ground.
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I’ll wear
I will never stop being neurotic about how I look and what I wear at events. Even if I was a size 8 I would still stress about how I look. I am about 90% better than I used to be though.
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
I haven’t actually tried, maybe I will try tomorrow morning. Does it even matter?
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
Yep, I have done this many, many times. I never take it for granted though.
~ Feel young, pretty and carefree
Wow, that is a strange thing to say. I can’t say that I have ever felt that way, but maybe I was expecting too much from weight loss?
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
I love doing this now.
~ Run when I want or need to
I frequently run for the tram, but that’s about it!
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
I often have girly days at spas, wineries or the races and don’t feel like my weight is an issue (though I don’t think my friends ever felt like my weight was an issue, that was just me)
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
Not as much as I had hoped, but a huge improvement on what I used to be when I was 50 kilos heavier. Spanx helps!
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
Generally this is OK, but I still have the occasional chaffing incident. Ouch.
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
Yes and no. I have mixed success on this, I still often think I am not attractive enough to be liked or accepted by people.
~ Not be scared of new things
I am much better at this, but my nature is still that of a scaredy cat.
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size
I don’t think I do let my weight hold me back from too much these days. I still have my issues with food and self confidence, but I am doing OK.

This is a photo of me taken today at the build site of our new townhouse (about to fall off that plank of wood into the mud). I don’t know exactly what I weigh, but I am feeling better in my skin.

IMG_0137

Bra Shopping

I made a new years resolution this year to do one simple thing. Buy some good bras.

Lets do that

Well it sounds simple, but buying the perfect fitting bra has always evaded me. Mostly due to my own lack of effort.

Since I had lower body lift surgery a couple of years back my body shape has really changed and I now have huge boobs. Well, not just boobs, but back fat too (yay!). So I am pretty top heavy and I really need to be doing more to support those big things. My normal routine of going to Target and buying a bra that looked around the right size and was under $25 was no longer working for me.

My left boob is also almost a full size bigger than my right side. There isn’t much I can do about that, but I just wanted to share that little gem with you. Why don’t they make bras that cater to us uneven chested women? Or maybe it is just me with this problem?

wow

So on Saturday I made it my mission to find a bra that fit me properly. I wasn’t particularly excited by this task, especially because I tore my rotator cuff in December and just putting a bra on every day is painful, let alone trying on 20 at the one time. It was a necessary evil though because I had recently purchased two dresses that needed some assistance in the bra stakes. So I psyched myself up for it.

nod gif

It turns out that if you are over a size 14 or above a D cup you are going to have a lot of trouble finding a good bra in Australia. It’ll be even harder to find one that doesn’t look like it belongs to your grandmother. The whole experience really sucked and reminded me why I don’t normally put in any effort with bra shopping. I was surrounded by beautiful bras and only about 5% of them came in my size (18 DD). Damn it.

scream

Then I was walking past City Chic and thought I would have a little look and see if they had any bras. I totally struck gold. Why didn’t I know that City Chic have the best plus size bras?

The City Chic bras managed to encase my big boobies, lift them up without my cup spilling over and control my back fat situation.

win gif

I probably need to keep working on my quest to find the perfect bra (if such a thing exists), but I have made a good start. My next step would be to get professionally fitted, but I am not sure I am ready for that yet.

boob gif

This is not a sponsored post. I only dream of people paying me for shit like this.

Too Fat for Lipo

Ugh… I had a shitty week, but TGIF I suppose.

I’ve had some challenges at work, I got my first ever migraine (aura and everything), fell over outside my work and had a miserable doctors appointment.

So the doctors appointment… I decided to go back to see the plastic surgeon who did my body lift to ask about some liposuction on my lower back. I had always been unhappy with my lower back after my surgery because it bulges out, instead of curving in like a back should. It makes me feel very insecure and I go to a lot of lengths to try and cover it up. I thought a little lipo might help the issue.

Turns out that I am too fat for lipo.

embarrassing

My surgeon asked me how much I weighed and I told him that I don’t weigh myself, he said ‘maybe that is your problem’. Ouch. So, at his insistence, I got on the scales and the number was 88.5 kilos (194.7 lbs). Admittedly, this was much higher than I anticipated. I genuinely thought I was at least 5 kilos less than that. Damn it.

eating problem

Then he gave me a lecture on how I need to go back and see my lap band doctor and use my lap band properly… blah blah blah. I tried to explain that I had difficulty with it, but I could tell he just thought that I was full of shit. He was so pro-lap band that it wasn’t worth discussing further.

annoying

He said he wouldn’t do anything with my back until I lost 10 kilos. Even though he admitted that weight loss wouldn’t really improve my back issues. If I was braver, I would have said that I thought he should have fixed my lower back issues properly in the first surgery (I didn’t because I am a scaredy cat).

fuck you

I’m not saying he was wrong, he is the expert after all, but his delivery could have done with a little work… What really frustrated me was that he didn’t understand that I could be OK with myself at my current weight and that I just wanted to fix an issue that puts my body out of proportion. I guess a cosmetic surgery is not the best place to try and be body positive… ha ha!

stop talking

I left the appointment feeling pretty stupid and $225 poorer. The whole experience completely put me off the idea of having lipo for now.

interesting visit

So that means I can put my money toward much more important things.

fries

 

 

 

 

The Awkward Years

I was going through some old pictures recently and was wondering who that weird girl with the bushy eyebrows was in all the family photos… Oh hello teenage me.

My only defense is that the 1990’s were a particularly cruel decade for style. Not that I had much choice because this was back before plus sized clothing existed and I was forced to wear homemade clothes or dedicate hours to stretching our regular sized t-shirts until they fit me.

I know everyone says they were an awkward teenager, but I pretty much spent the ages 12-17 reading books, picking at my pimples and being scared of my own shadow.

Can you believe that I didn’t ever have a boyfriend in high school??!!

Bike shorts

I actually wore this outfit to a casual clothes day in year 7. I remember showing up and seeing what all the other girls were wearing and realising bike shorts were not cool. I’m not sure how I didn’t already know this. I blame my parents.

school photo

I call this photo ‘acne and eyebrows’. I think it speaks for itself.

beach

Just sitting uncomfortably on the beach and wishing I could be inside and away from nature.

balance jumper

I think the look on my face says it all.

school awards

Classic awkward fat girl move: hold an object over your stomach for coverage. I recall the buttons on that school dress were only just holding on for dear life.

dads bday

If I ever become a serial killer, I think that this would be the photo that the newspapers would use. My family don’t even want to be near me in this photo. Probably because it looks like I am plotting to kill them.

tree 2

I must have thought that if I had enough hair, no one would see my body.

IMG_0231

This is me (right) getting dressed up for a ball… it’s not quite what the young girls are wearing to their school formal these days. I am pretty sure that was one of my mum’s shirts. I was always on the cutting edge of style.

good jumper

This is where I finally discovered tweezers… Also, those were my first pair of jeans ever and they were so tight around the waist that the button fly completely ripped open, but I continued to wear them for about two years because that was the biggest size the store had at the time.