19 Months is an Adventure

This month I am reminded of that poem “There was a little girl…”, my mum used to sing that poem to me all the time. I actually sung it to her when she was taking her last breaths as it reminds me of being a little girl and my mum singing to me. But that’s not the point of this story, the part I can relate to with Augie is:

When she was good, she was very good indeed, but when she was bad she was horrid.

This describes Augie right now. Most of the time he is pure sunshine. Absolutely hilarious, saying funny things, being cute and cheeky and sweet. He’s full of smiles and hugs and kisses and silly games.

Then he has a tantrum. A full on toddler tantrum. Holy shit. It’s so hard. The poor little guy must have a lot of big emotions happening. I find it hard to know how to handle them. Sometimes I try to distract him, other times I ignore him. It breaks my heart though because I just want to pick him up and give him a cuddle.

The main things he tantrums over are wanting to play with the peanut butter jar (it’s glass so he can’t have it and I tried buying him a plastic brand but he’s smart enough to know that’s not the ‘real’ PB we eat) and wanting to play in the car. He loves to sit in the car and push buttons and pretend to drive, but it’s too hot to sit in there for too long. Or of course wanting the bloody phone. We barely let him use it, but he’s obsessed. I try to stay off my phone around him, but I need to be somewhat attached for work.

It’s so hard to know the right way to deal with these tantrums. I worry that my gentle approach could turn him into a brat. I don’t know how to find the right balance. I guess this is being a mum… always worrying that you have messed up your child! The good thing is that at playgroup yesterday, two mum’s I’m friends with mentioned their son’s behaviour had drastically changed this month in very similar ways to Augie. They are all born within a month of each other so I’m hoping it’s just a phase.

Augie has become so much more curious about people. He’s still shy, but he will approach people sometimes now and want to interact. He walks up to bigger kids and pats them on the back, they normally just look at him like he’s a weirdo, but that’s ok. I think he’s grown in confidence and it’s so lovely to watch.

With his cousin

He still struggles with new people though, we had to change swimming lessons because the time he had was during his nap. I knew it would be a disaster. We’ve had 5 weeks of his head in my neck and clinging onto me for dear life. He loves swimming, but he doesn’t like new people and the new lessons seem more basic than his old lessons. I sneak away and let him jump off the side of the pool or swim under water and his whole face lights up again. We’ll get there!

This month Augie took his first flight. It was only very short, Melbourne to Sydney (a little over an hour). Wow. How do people do long flights with toddlers? He just wanted to wiggle and play and Jetstar flights do not have much room. Can you believe that on the way home the woman in front of AJ (who had Augie in his lap) put her seat back? FFS. Honestly, I have no desire to go on anymore flights with Augie until he’s a little easier to entertain.

Oh and I tried to be tricky and booked the flight for during his nap time. That was a mistake. He finally fell asleep as the plane wheels touched down on landing so I had to carry him all through the airport, to get our bags, to the pick up area across the other side of the airport where my sister in law picked us up. Then he woke up as soon as we got in the car.

Actually, travelling with Augie this trip felt exhausting. He is just into everything at the moment. We stayed with my brother and sister in law and, even though they have a 2 year old, their house is not childproofed. Their daughter just doesn’t get into things (I’m so jealous). Drawers with knives, medicines left out, chemicals in cupboards, all the kitchen cupboards had breakable things in them, the stair gates were often left open and so many things for him to destroy. For instance, there was a glass candle sitting on a shelf where toys are kept so Augie dropped it on the tiles and of course smashed everywhere. I just had to follow him around for 5 days. Plus he never sleeps well when we travel. Remind me not to go anywhere for the next 6 months.

Augie got his first two eye teeth through this month and the other two will be through soon I hope. They have been causing him to be a bit cranky and waking during the night. Hopefully after this we get a little break before his 2 year old molars come through. I hate seeing him sad.

His sleep has been much better this month. He’s sleeping 8.00 pm – 7.00 am with a nap between 12.00 pm – 2.00 pm. Like I mentioned, he has been waking and needing cuddles, but that’s ok, he just likes to put his head on my chest and snuggle in.

Oh and the big news for me to whinge about this month is that we need to move house again. The owners of our property are moving in so we need to find a new house. Fark!!!!!! I do not want to move house. Trying to move with a toddler and with both AJ and I working from home is going to be tough. Plus I love my house and location and I don’t think we’ll be that lucky again. The silver lining is that I will be able to get a house without stairs. I still have night terrors every single night about Augie’s accident. I wake up and think Augie is going to fall down the stairs and have to check the stair gates and check he’s in his cot, except I’m still asleep and so confused and think I’ve lost him. It’s awful and I’m relieved that I can hopefully find a house without stairs now. AJ will be relieved that I’ll be slightly less crazy now.

This all sounds very negative, Augie has been a handful for sure, but still a constant delight. He’s started loving The Wiggles and dancing to Hot Potato. He repeats everything I say, even full sentences, but they don’t make much sense coming from him. He can count to 10 (most of the time anyway) and sings along when we sing the alphabet. He still plays peekaboo obsessively and his new favourite book is Winnie the Pooh. He’s finally getting the hang of colouring in, but he gets distracted quickly and eats the crayon. The weird new thing he does is follow me to the toilet and pass me toilet paper and then try to pull my underwear up for me. Oh and the funniest new word he says “doodle”. He says it “doo-dool” and I laugh every time I hear him say it.

19 Months is an adventure.

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17 Months + Christmas

Well Augie is not far off 18 months so I’m running behind on this update.

We’ve had a crazy month with Christmas and lots of family and travel and lack of routine. It was a lot of fun but I’m glad to be back to normal now. Augie does better with routine and so do I!

Augie is happy Christmas is over because he is so shy and having so many people in his face over the Christmas period was tough on him. Poor guy spent the entire time with his face in my armpit. He’s starting to worry me slightly with his shyness. He never participates in the activities I take him to or even looks like he’s enjoying himself. I just don’t want him to miss out on the fun. I mentioned it to someone at work and they said it makes sense because I’m so shy, which I thought I hid well, but obviously not.

As usual, August has blown me away with what he understands and what he’s capable of now. He actually does what I ask him to do, like “can you pass this book to dad” and he does or “do you want to go to the park?” and he goes and stands by the garage door (shouting “car”). The funny thing is, my niece visited for four days over Christmas (she is nine months older than him) the difference was insane! Augie seemed like a little baby in comparison to her level of capability, comprehension and language skills. So I guess he’s still more baby than toddler.

Funny things August does lately…

• Stands on the couch and says “sit” and then sits down and laughs hysterically. But “sit” sounds a lot more like “shit”.

• When we get near our house in the car he shouts “hurrah” when we get to the same place because he’s happy to be home.

• When he sees my phone he shouts “shark” because we sometimes put Baby Shark on for him and he bloody loves it. In fact, if he gets hold of my phone he knows how to push the kids YouTube app and then push the shark video to play it. WTF. I don’t let him go bear my phone if possible!

• Just loves the swing at the park. I try to find quiet parks so he can have the swing for 20 minutes and not hog it from other kids.

• Brushes my hair for me when I’m putting him to bed and brushing his hair.

• Loves to give his Poppy and Nanny kisses on FaceTime.

• Just obsessed with his books. We read books all day and now he knows what’s going to happen when we’re reading and gets excited and says his favourite words. Hearing him say “koala” is very cute.

• Tantrums are a thing now. If I don’t let him close the car door or turn the light switch off or climb up the stairs himself he has a little meltdown. I feel like this is only going to get worse too… I’m bracing myself.
• Puts his dirty nappy in the nappy bin for me (and says “yuck”).

I really enjoyed having two weeks off work over Christmas. I get a great sense of pride in working (and obviously the money is handy to say the least), but I really needed that break. Having that two hours to myself while he slept every day was heaven. I often sat in the beanbag outside with a beer and read my book. Bliss.

With my niece and sister in law

The greatest part was not having to leave Augie for a full day every week. He’s always really clingy to his dad after I work because I disappear for 24 hours and I guess he’s confused. It seemed to bring us much closer together when I wasn’t leaving him.

Getting this child to go to sleep is still a mystery to me. Honestly, I spend way too much time agonising over this issue. He just fights sleep at bedtime and will be up until 10.00 pm. A week ago we started waking him at 7.00 am (he’d normally sleep much later) and only letting him sleep 2 hours for his nap (he’d easily sleep 3 or more if I let him). This is in the hope he’ll go to bed at a reasonable time.

We’ve had moderate success. He’s going to bed earlier, but it’s still a massive battle. In fact, it got so hard this week I took him to the doctor because I worried he had an ear infection or something for him to be so upset (he doesn’t). It was so insane and completely out of character. He is hysterical if I try to hold him in any nursing position. It does look like he’s getting his eye teeth right now and I’ve read about an 18 month sleep regression so I can only think it’s one or both of these issues. Or he’s just having a tough time. Poor little guy, it just breaks my heart to see him upset.

Oh, and I don’t want to harp on about this because I’m very anti-diet culture and hating on yourself (I’ve done enough of that on this blog). I well over-did it with food and wine at Christmas (actually, it was all of December). I don’t feel good and I don’t know why I ate so much. None of my clothes fit me now and it’s frustrating. I’m happy to be eating better and I hope to feel better soon.

It’s great timing to be reading my lovely friend, Ailsa’s, new book Perfectly Imperfect. I met Ailsa through blogging as we had similar experiences and we’ve become great friends. When I first read her blog I was more interested in her thoughts on weight loss surgery and body image. Now that I’m a mum, I have a whole new appreciation for how she navigated motherhood, especially with a husband who was a FIFO worker. She’s an amazing inspiration and her book is just hitting the spot right now. 🙌
Perfectly Imperfect: Raw reflections on body image, mothering, love and loneliness (that you don’t usually share)

16 Months is Delightful

I’m on the train heading into the city for my last commute for the year. Thank god. This commute is so tough. I only do it once a week, but the almost 6 hour return trip really knocks me out. I’m still working for the rest of the week, but just from home like I normally do.

Actually I just realised that this time next week it’ll be Christmas! We’ve been really enjoying the holidays season with Augie this year, though he doesn’t actually know (or care) what’s going on. We’ve done the Santa photos, Christmas light drive, Myer Christmas windows, baked Christmas cookies, listen to Christmas music all day and lots of local Christmas events. We stayed in the city for the night for my work Christmas party and did lots of Christmas activities so I think we’ll make that a yearly tradition. I can’t wait until next year when he might get more excited.

Augie is a very shy baby so we knew we’d need to get in the Santa photo with him. He’s still not feeling very happy about the situation!

I think I say this every month, but the changes over the past month in Augie have been unbelievable. It’s like he suddenly understands everything.

• Loves playing chasey and “I’m going to get you”. I say to him to “go get dad” and he’ll run and jump on AJ.

• Peekaboo never gets old around here. It’s all day, every day. We sneak up on AJ and play boo and he gets so excited that he lets out a little giggle and AJ has to pretend he doesn’t know we are there. It’s so cute.

• He does the actions to his favourite songs now and when I read his favourite books he’ll say the words I leave out on purpose.

With his grandparents

• He loves songs and games with suspense and will squeal and laugh uncontrollably when we are doing “this little piggy” and “incy wincy spider”. Then say “more” and we do it over and over again.

• His favourite game is counting. Loves to count to 5 and when I’m putting him to bed he likes me to just count over and over again as he finds it soothing. He grabs my hand and pulls down my fingers as I count. He has number magnets on the fridge and he carries them around all day. When he’s upset I just ask him to go get his number 2 (his favourite number) and it distracts him every time.
• He will be cheeky and delay bedtime by giving me lot of kisses and cuddles. He knows I love kisses and cuddles so he just keeps doing it to get out of going to bed.

• He won’t sit in his high chair much anymore. He wants to sit at his little play table or the big table. Actually I need to buy him a booster seat this week.

• Doesn’t say the word “no” but says “nah” instead. So I ask him if he wants more banana and he says “nah”. It’s very funny.

Honestly, he’s so much fun right now. He’d been a bit of hard work from around the 12 month mark, but he seems more independent again now. He’ll potter around the house entertaining himself (making mess and mischief) most of the time.

Speaking of mischief, he can almost open doors now, loves to get into the toilets (ahhhh) and is obsessed with electrical switches. He turns them on and off constantly and he has to turn the lights off when we leave a room. Actually, in the library the other day he turned an outlet switch off and it turned out it was for the computers people were sitting at doing work. OMG. I was so embarrassed, I just ran away.

Probably his favourite thing in the world is an overhead fan. He just screams “fan” if we go somewhere with a fan. I had to leave a shop a couple of days ago because it had two fans and he just went mental. Everyone thought it was funny, but it was a little embarrassing how much noise he was making. The funniest thing is if we go somewhere that has a fan but they aren’t switched on. He grabs my chin with his hands and points my face to the ceiling as if to say “sort this out mum”.

Bed time is an ongoing struggle. He’s been in a leap and hasn’t been going to bed until 10.30 pm!!! Then I have to get up for work at 5.00 am. Seriously FML. His little brain is in over-drive and he can’t wind down. Once he falls asleep he doesn’t ever wake up, but he just won’t fall asleep. Then I have to wake him at 8.30 am because he wants to sleep all day. Fighting sleep has always been his issue and it’s hard to find advice on this as most sleep information is about babies who wake in the night. Or advice centres around sleep training and that’s not for me (I can’t handle any level of crying it out to sleep train). Anyway, this is actually the last leap he’ll ever have, apparently after this one they stop, so maybe these sleep issues will improve. Or I could be delusional!

Augie has always been obsessed with his dad, but lately it’s even more extreme. He won’t let me hold him, he just screams “daddy” constantly. He cries when AJ leaves the room. He’s fine when I take him out and it’s just me and him, but if he knows AJ is in the house he goes nuts. It’s actually starting to get to me a little, but I’m sure it’s just a stage? Bloody AJ being the ‘fun’ parent…

All in all, I need to be super soppy and say that I’m just grateful for every single day with my little family. I feel so lucky to have them.

14 Months = Why Won’t You Sleep Child?

Let me just start this by saying that this has been a tough month for bub (and me!). It’s been a bad combination of a developmental leap, molars, sickness and travelling.

I really should look at the Wonder Weeks (development leap) app before planning a 26 hour return road trip to the Hunter Valley. His recent leaps hadn’t been that noticeable though, in fact I think I might have jinxed myself by saying they aren’t even a thing for him anymore. I can’t exactly say it was the relaxing winery getaway that we had planned. But obviously I enjoy rocking a crying baby all night instead of eating cheese and drinking wine with my friends and playing cards against humanity. FML.

The week before we left he was just miserable with his molars and then the first two popped through on the day we left for our trip (not that this helped at all). Then we started leap 9. Whoa that’s been a tough one. Well we are still in it for one more week but I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Last night he slept 7.00 pm – 8.00 am. Thank god!!!

The only thing that saved us on this trip away was that we stopped and bought an iPad holder for the back of the seat in the car. I’ve always been a bit anti kids using devices, but I sure changed my tune quickly! I put his favourite nursery rhyme show on, Little Baby Bum, (the only show he’ll watch) and he just chilled for the whole drive. Life saver!

So we got through the drive, but he still wouldn’t sleep at night. It’s like he’s just so buzzed when he’s in a leap and can’t wind down to sleep. One night we resorted to driving him around Sydney (where I was visiting my brother) at 11 pm until he fell asleep.

Then we drove home from Sydney and Augie and I both returned with terrible colds and I also got conjunctivitis just for extra fun! My niece is in daycare and always passes on killer germs and this was a doozy. This coincided with the ‘stormy’ period of the leap (the worst part) and was one of those hellish weeks I’ll remember for a while. Being sick with a sick baby to look after and also working from home was just too much. I think I have a permanent eye twitch now.

This has lead us to start the conversation about daycare. Right now, AJ and I both work from home. I work (minimum) 20 hours a week 5.30-7.30 am (before Augie wakes) and then 11.30-1.30 (during Augie’s nap). AJ runs his own business so he just works all the time ha ha. I really want to keep Augie at home with me and be a stay at home mum, but I also need to work for financial reasons, so it’s a juggle to say the least. Do I just keep running myself into the ground so I can keep Augie at home or do I need to go outside of my comfort zone and look into daycare options?

I actually don’t feel like Augie is suited to daycare right now. I take him to 3 different local playgroups and go to at least one session every day (playgroup is a space for parents and kids to hang out, play and socialise) and he is quite reserved and shy. The other kids his age all go nuts playing and running around together. They get there and immediately run off to play and love interacting with other kids and adults. Whereas Augie mostly just stays by my side and has no interest in other kids. I think this is quite normal for a 14 month old, especially because he’s not walking yet and is limited in how he can play with the other kids. Plus he’s now just started this weird shy thing where he gets scared around other people. He freezes and stares at the ground in total fear and then starts to cry. Poor little guy!

I’m sure that if I had to put him in daycare he would cope, but I just don’t think it’s a good fit for him at the moment (or me to be honest). I looked into getting a babysitter but they are all minimum of $20 an hour, which isn’t affordable for me. The other option is family daycare, where he gets placed in a family home with up to 5 kids (I think, I’m not totally sure). I didn’t think I’d like family daycare but I feel like Augie would thrive in a smaller environment like this rather than a large daycare.

I’ll go and check out some local daycare centres and see how what I think. At least I’ll be informed and ready to pull the trigger when the time is right. We have a Montessori centre and a Steiner centre, but I think they are both for 3 year olds and above so I might just wait until I can get him into one of those and keep trying to make it work.

So all my whinging aside, what else has been going on with Augie this month?

• Augie has been learning animal noises and shapes. His favourite is to hiss like a snake and he loves “tars” (stars).

• He still isn’t walking. Apparently 14 months is the average age to walk, but Augie is the only bub at playgroup not walking, they’ve all been walking since about 11-12 months. He takes a few steps, but wouldn’t just walk across the room. He is not a fearless baby like some kids that I see diving into every new experience. He is 100% capable of walking, but just doesn’t seem to want or need to walk. Honestly, it could be months away still. I just hope he walks before summer because his little knees will get ripped up from crawling outside in shorts.

• He has the two top front molars that I can see. There could be more but good luck trying to get near his mouth to look.

• He loves when you touch his nose. He’ll grab your hand and push down on his nose. Strange child.

• Favourite foods are hummus, pears, yoghurt and anything seafood. He’s finally started eating bananas- yay!

• He loves his stuffed toys (puppy and penguin) and his doll. He feeds his doll her bottle. So cute.

• Loves, loves, loves the beach. It was such a good decision to move to the beach. Except for the bloody sand everywhere…

• Won’t keep a hat on. How the hell do I keep that little blonde head from getting burned this summer???

• His favourite game is to push me and watch me pretend to fall over. It’s hysterical.

• He loves cuddling cushions, rugs, the couch and toys. He knows I think it’s cute so he’ll cuddle something and say ahhhhh and look at me for a reaction. Obviously I give him a reaction every time because it’s so friggin cute.

So that’s been our last month. I’ve whinged and complained a lot, but I’m still always grateful to have a healthy and happy bub. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to work from home and spend so much time with Augie. He is my little sunshine. ☀️

7 Months Old

I’m doing this update on my phone because I never get a chance to get in front of the computer, so apologies if all the photos come out massive and weird! Anyone who actually reads these super long baby updates is doing a good job! 😘

Age: Augie is 7 months old now and has just been a bloody delight this month. He loves playing, singing, clapping hands and especially loves playing “where is Augie” when we put a blanket or pillow on him and say “where’s Augie” and then he pokes his head out. It is just so cute.

He also loves grabbing our faces (ouch) or stroking them while he has his bottle. He is always reaching out to feel you when you’re holding him or sitting behind him. I hope he’s going to stay a cuddly little boy. Well at least toward his mama.

He loves to shake his head “no” (but he doesn’t know what it means, he just thinks it’s fun). And he is such a wriggler now. It can be super hard to get his nappy on at the end of the day when he’s overtired and super wiggly.

He isn’t really crawling yet, but he does push ups, planks and downward dog all the time. He can move about pretty quick on his tummy, but hasn’t mastered proper crawling yet. He can still get from one side of the room to the other pretty quick. I better get some stair gates ASAP!

He had his 6 month vaccinations and did really well with them. He only cries for a second from the shock and then gets over it. We’ve had a break from teething symptoms this month too. He’s just been such a happy little boy.

Feeding: We are still working on solids, but he is doing pretty good now. We feed him solids twice a day and he tends to prefer the fruits and isn’t so keen on vegetables. I feel ya buddy! His favourite thing is to suck on meat, sorry for that gross visual. I’m not loving how messy this stage is… the food gets everywhere. I really need to bath him after each meal, but obviously I couldn’t be fucked doing that!

We are still doing 5 bottles a day, I’d like to cut that back to 4 bottles and increase his solids, but that will take time. Hopefully we’ll get there this month.

Sleeping routine:So last month was a nightmare and this month has been the complete opposite. As soon as he got out of leap 5 and hit 6 months, he just started sleeping like an angel.

He’s having a quick 30 minute nap at 9.00 am, then a longer 1.5 hour nap at about 11.30 am and then another 30 minute nap at about 3.30 pm. Then he goes to bed at 6.30 pm and sleeps solidly until 7.00 – 7.30 pm. Yay Augie!!!

The best thing for us was him learning to link sleep cycles and have a longer day nap. He has pretty much always only had 30 minute catnaps during the day so I’m loving that he’s having a long sleep and I can get shit done during the day.

In hindsight, I think that I wasn’t giving him the opportunity to self settle himself back to sleep. As soon as I heard him wake up and start playing in his cot I would think, oh he’s wide awake, he’s not going to get back to sleep so I better get him up. Then one day I heard him wake up on the baby monitor and I was busy (having a beer to be honest ha ha) so I let him play in the cot for 10 minutes because he’s really happy in there, then suddenly I looked at the monitor and he had gone back to sleep. Well there you go. Maybe I should have been doing that from that start! Now he just sleeps through and doesn’t even wake up.

Firsts: Augie had his first proper swim in a pool this month and he loved it! We took him swimming in the hotel pool on a little holiday we had this month. Then also to a pool in Sydney while his cousin had her swimming lessons. I was quite scared that he’d spew because he is still spitting up milk a bit. Lucky for us we had the hotel pool all to ourselves both days and he did have a little spit up once so we just splashed it away. Eeeek. I was so worried about grossing out the other guests who were trying to enjoy their break!

He loved swimming so much that I feel bad that I don’t take him more often. I signed him up for swimming lessons, but I cancelled before we even started because they were right when he has his morning nap. It’s a 30 minute walk to the pool and I could just see that he’d fall asleep in the pram on the way and then wouldn’t have his proper morning sleep. He’s just fallen into such a great sleep routine that I couldn’t bear to break it. So I think we’ll just take him to the pool casually for playing and start proper lessons next term.

Achievements: Self-settling. Woo hoo! I’m not sure if it just took Augie reaching 6 months and finding his groove or if I needed to give him more time to figure it out, but he suddenly can self-settle. I used to always need to rock him to sleep for every single nap and sometimes in took ages. My back was killing me!!!! At the start of this month he just started arching his back and basically saying “fuck off mum” when I was rocking him to sleep so I put him in his cot and he just rolled onto his side and hugged his bunny and went to sleep. He will still roll about for 5 or 10 minutes sometimes, but he’s not upset, just settling down. So he’ll pretty much always put himself to sleep now. This is the best!

Things we have learned:Going on holidays with a baby is an interesting experience… Before I went back to work, we road tripped along the coast from Melbourne to Sydney to visit my family. We stopped for a few days in Eden and Mollymook to relax by the beach and eat lots of fish and chips. What I didn’t think about though was what we would do when Augie went to sleep at 6.30 pm. I booked normal hotel rooms with portacots, so he was in the room with us when he went to sleep, which meant that we had to sit in a dark and quiet room all night. Next time I would try and book a hotel with a seperate lounge/kitchen area so that we can put Augie to sleep in the bedroom and still be able to enjoy our evening. Don’t get me wrong, we still had a few beers and ate take out after he went to sleep… we just did it very, very quietly and in a pretty dark room. Also, having a kitchen would have been very handy to wash and sterilise his bottles and prepare his food. I did not think that through very well.

But, we still had an amazing family getaway. I really look forward to more family beach holidays as Augie grows up. I also look forward to him being able to stay awake past 6.30 pm and eat in restaurants with us!!!

Appearance: He’s got more blonde hair coming through and his eyes are blue, but moving toward a bluey/grey colour like his dad. He’s always got a scratch on his face because I can’t control his little claws. Why is cutting a baby’s nails so hard???

Mummy update: Its been a weird month for me going back to work. It’s going to take me a while to adjust to leaving him all day and also to my new role at work. Because I’m only part time, it’s really quite limited what I can do at work and so I’ve had to take a major backseat. I’ve gone from managing the full digital program to just doing website admin. I can’t say that I am loving this new role because I now realise that I thrive in management positions and taking responsibility. I have to bite my tongue a lot!!! I guess this is why so many parents have trouble with balance. I can’t take on more responsibility at work, but then also be able to leave at 5.00 pm and work part time. It doesn’t work like that at my company anyway. So I end up feeling a bit useless at work and I also feel less needed at home too (pity party!). I still think I’ve made the right decision to go back to work, I just need to give it some more time to settle into this new role.

I Can’t Wait…

When I was recently reflecting on 7 years with the lapband, I found this post from my old blog talking about all the things I can’t wait to do when I lose weight.

Wow I had really forgotten how much I hated myself and just how scared of life I used to be at 130 kilos. I thought that I still had a lot of issues now (and I probably do), but I can really see just how far I have come in the past 7 years.

Reading through this list I felt so sad for the old me, but also grateful for the life I have now.

Strap yourself in, it’s a long one.

Here is what from 2009 couldn’t wait to do when I lost weight:

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
Shopping is definitely easier, but it’s still not something I enjoy much. Those change rooms are still tortuous. Is shopping fun for anyone?
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
LOL! Yes, I guess I can do this now, but I’d rather pay someone else to have to deal with my manky feet!
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
Ummm… this is a bit TMI! Obviously I thought I was going to become Samantha from SITC when I lost weight… Well let’s just say that I am still a bit lazy in the sack.
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
Yes! Just last Thursday night I stopped by the shops to get some new jeans from Just Jeans in a size 14 and they weren’t even stretchy. That is a big achievement for me!
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
Oh God no, I still hate running into old friends, but that is mostly due to my anti-social nature.
~ Go on hikes with my family
I did do a bit of this, especially while travelling in Canada in 2010. In fact next weekend I am going on a walk with my (ex) sister-in-law. Anytime I am in a situation when I am walking or hiking with friends I always feel grateful that I can do it now because I remember how hard it used to be and how much it scared me.
~ Fit into everything in ‘normal’ shops
Nope. Not even close. I can fit into skirts and and pants normally, but not dresses or tops because I am still quite big across the top. I do get lucky sometimes and can fit into an oversize top or dress. It’s still sooooo much easier than it was before.
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
I have done this, but they are normally still stretchy boots, my calves are still a little chunky.
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
I don’t think I will EVER lose the fear of breaking seats. I have PTSD when it comes to flimsy seats.  Just the other day I tried to make AJ swap seats with me at a restaurant because I thought mine would break, but I forgot that I actually weigh less than him now, so I had to take the dodgy seat.
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
I forgot about those looks! I haven’t stressed about being shamed for eating in public in a long time. Unfortunately I am still very likely to spill food on myself when eating in public. I’m still a grub.
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
Oh this makes me sad for past me. I remember how hard I found it to look at myself in the mirror at the hairdressers. How much I hated myself. I still curse myself for going to the salon and not wearing makeup or my double chin caused by those unflattering capes, but it doesn’t upset me.
~ Shop in designer stores
No, can’t do that, but that’s OK.
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
Yes, I love getting massages now. I remember how much I hated my first massage when I was at my biggest. It was physically painful to be on the massage table and I hated every second of it.
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
Ha ha… no I still can’t manage high heels. Probably never going to happen because I have foot issues from plantar faciitis and I am not coordinated.
~ Have a summer where I don’t get so hot and sweaty
I actually love summer now and rarely feel overly hot and sweaty. If anything, I tend to be too cold most of the time and will even wear tights and coats through summer. What a difference.
~ Ride a bike
I am shit scared of riding bikes in the city! I have ridden a bike when I went to Lombok a couple of years ago and it felt amazing to ride around the island and to the beach on a bike. If I lived in a smaller town I would definitely buy a bike.
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
I thoroughly enjoy having beauty treatments now. I would do it every day if I could afford it.
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
Well that is something I still strive to do every single day. I am getting better, but I am still a long way from being successful.
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
No, I simply can’t be fucked…
~ Have a flat stomach
Thanks to my body lift surgery I have a pretty flat stomach (but lumpy back)
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
I haven’t really done this because I am not really a sporty kind of person. I am not motivated by team sports or gym classes, but I could probably keep up enough so that I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I have semi-regularly attended yoga and Pilates classes over the years without too much embarrassment.
~ Use public toilets comfortably
Oh yeah, I forgot how difficult those small cubicals could be to navigate. Especially when they wedge in a huge sanitary napkin bin right next to the seat. Now my only issues with public toilets are that I am a germophobe. I still can’t really hover either, I do not have the strength… I should do more squats!
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
Yes I can most of the time (except for issues with my plantar faciitis). I am so grateful for having better physical fitness and stamina.
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
An hour ago I would have said no, but after reading this list I have realised how much my confidence has actually improved. So this is a yes!
~ Sit on someones lap
I regularly annoy AJ by sitting on his lap and tickling him or interrupting his iPad games.
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
Noooooo, I still look ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I probably look more ridiculous because I will attempt to drop it like it’s hot or be all sexy and I cannot pull it off.
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
I can do this, but will normally use my hands because it’s easier.
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
I do have the energy to do anything on holidays now, but I very often choose to relax and do as little as possible. Since losing weight I have had some amazing adventures on holidays that involve hiking, helicopters, beaches, canoes, bikes, dancing, boats and all the things I didn’t think I could do before.
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
I don’t worry about this anymore.
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
Yes, it is such an amazing moment when you can do this for the first time after being overweight for so long. What a feeling.
~ Go to Disney World and ride any ride I want to
I did this on a trip to the USA in 2010 and I had an amazing time. I think I was the happiest person at Disney World that day!
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
I don’t think I do this anymore??? I do still eat my feelings, but that is a seperate issue.
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
Was I thinking that I would be a swimsuit model when I lost weight? No I don’t think I feel confident, but I am much better than I used to be. Just last weekend I went to the Mornington Peninsula hot springs and walked around in my bathers just fine.
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
This doesn’t happen too much, but that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it!
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
Ha ha, this still happens! I don’t really wear shorts very often for that reason.
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
Well I just went through this after being made redundant and I have to say that I didn’t feel like my weight was a factor in any of the job interviews I had.
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
I think I could do this, but I normally just dry myself and get dressed, I don’t really prance around in just a towel.
~ Go to the beach with friends
I am sure I have done this, but I am not really a beach person, I prefer to swim in pools. Or just sit by the pool with a cocktail.
~ Be able to see my vagina again
Oh wow, I forgot how honest I can be. Thanks to that body lift surgery my vagina is back in full view!
~ Feel normal
Well normal is a very loaded word. I am going to say that I do feel normal enough, especially in comparison to how I used to feel.
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
Yes, but I still hate exercising in the gym (because I am lazy).
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
AJ does often pick me, but I am not exactly a lightweight, he can only pick me up a few feet off the ground.
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I’ll wear
I will never stop being neurotic about how I look and what I wear at events. Even if I was a size 8 I would still stress about how I look. I am about 90% better than I used to be though.
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
I haven’t actually tried, maybe I will try tomorrow morning. Does it even matter?
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
Yep, I have done this many, many times. I never take it for granted though.
~ Feel young, pretty and carefree
Wow, that is a strange thing to say. I can’t say that I have ever felt that way, but maybe I was expecting too much from weight loss?
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
I love doing this now.
~ Run when I want or need to
I frequently run for the tram, but that’s about it!
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
I often have girly days at spas, wineries or the races and don’t feel like my weight is an issue (though I don’t think my friends ever felt like my weight was an issue, that was just me)
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
Not as much as I had hoped, but a huge improvement on what I used to be when I was 50 kilos heavier. Spanx helps!
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
Generally this is OK, but I still have the occasional chaffing incident. Ouch.
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
Yes and no. I have mixed success on this, I still often think I am not attractive enough to be liked or accepted by people.
~ Not be scared of new things
I am much better at this, but my nature is still that of a scaredy cat.
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size
I don’t think I do let my weight hold me back from too much these days. I still have my issues with food and self confidence, but I am doing OK.

This is a photo of me taken today at the build site of our new townhouse (about to fall off that plank of wood into the mud). I don’t know exactly what I weigh, but I am feeling better in my skin.

Holiday!

On Monday I am going on holidays for 3 glorious weeks.

This is me going into work today…

This will be me leaving work today…

I’ll be shamelessly posting all my holiday snaps on instagram if you want to follow.