Regrets

Posted in Baby, motherhood by

Something I’ve thought a lot about lately is do I regret having kids?

It has made me feel ridiculously guilty to even ask myself the question. My kids are literally the lights of my life and I love them more than I thought I could love anything. But I just wish it wasn’t so hard.

I wish I knew how to be a parent and not lose every part of myself.

I wish I could get some sleep. I wish that I had time to shower every day. I wish I could finish a cup of tea. I wish my house wasn’t always being destroyed by kids. I wish I didn’t need a strategic plan to go to the shops. I wish I didn’t have to do washing every god damned day. I wish I could lay on my bed and read a book and be left alone. I wish I had the energy to put into my relationship. I wish that I was able to be a better friend. I wish I had a job out of the home that made me feel useful (and made me money!). I wish that I thought about things more interesting than how to get my kid to eat veggies. I wish that my greatest achievement of the day isn’t getting a kid to brush his teeth and hair. I wish I wasn’t so worried all the time that I’m fucking up my kids and being a horrible parent.

The silly thing is that I know many mums who do manage these things really well. So why can’t I? I’ve asked myself that a lot and the answer is that every parent and every kid is different. If August wasn’t so shy perhaps I could have put him in childcare and gone back to work properly. If I wasn’t such a worrier maybe I could leave the kids with other people more. If I had family support around I could probably go out on a date night or get my hair done with less drama. We can only do our best to parent the kids we have in our own way with the resources we have. Comparing myself to other mums doesn’t help. Though I find it almost impossible not to do it.

Ultimately I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t regret having kids at all. I just regret that I don’t have balance in my life. I regret that I have no support system. I regret moving away from my friends network. I regret that my family lives so far away. I regret how much my relationship is suffering. I regret that I’m not as patient and selfless as I thought I was. I regret that I’m a “busy mum” cliche. But I mostly regret that my mum isn’t here to help me.

Right now I’m in the thick of it. Toddler, new baby, pandemic, new house. It’s a lot. I will move through this stage and work toward finding the balance I want to have. It’s important to me and will only make me a better mum. And I will sleep again one day…

8 thoughts on “Regrets”

  1. This time will pass! Remember to take time to sit back and enjoy it. Don’t compare yourselves with other. Just remember you are doing the best you can with what you have today. Your mum is looking over you and would be proud of your journey!

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  2. I think all or at least most parents have these kind of thougths! I know I have! I can’t regret it. My kids are the best people in the world, but it is SO hard. I’m good job and moneywise, but I have all the other problems you have (my mom is still here, just lives far away, whicg is ofcause very different and my youngest is 2 years, so NOW I sleep more). Mostly I just want time to be me and time to enjoy my relationsship – and stop fearing that we are not good enough as parents. Just to say: you are not alone!

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  3. Thanks for being human my love. Sure some people seem to do it easier but never admit nor acknowledge their internal struggles – god forbid one was not OK 100% of the time. Having family & friends close by to help out makes a huge difference – you are being your own village right now. I wonder if your Mum has a chuckle now & then at how determined you are to succeed. I know she is watching over you all & hope you can feel that from time to time (not that you have much time to be listening). Hang in there Tully. Much Love xoxoxo

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  4. I get the impression a lot more mothers struggle with everything than actually admit it. I find it hard juggling being a working mother and I have quite a few stay at home Mum friends with two kids who are just surviving. It helps a lot to lower your expectations I find and outsource what you can (a lot more challenging during a pandemic!). Sleep deprivation is rough. I know you said August is shy but maybe a few days/mornings of daycare might be good for him if you find the right place. Anyway, just take each day as it comes and things will gradually get easier xx

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  5. Definitely go easy on yourself. You’re in the trenches of it at the moment – this is tough but it passes. I found the first couple of year just survival, then the light starts to come through. I also always felt like I worked more than other mums, my kids were in day care longer and then I hated myself with my lack of patience in the short time I did spend with them. But this is the same for others too and we’ve found balance. Oddly the pandemic has helped with that. SO.MUCH.TIME.WITH.THEM. But it’s eased the guilt of earlier days for sure. Big hugs xxxxx

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    • Thank you, that is reassuring. It really is just about survival. At the end of the day when I feel like I’ve been a shitty mum I try to tell myself that they were given food, shelter and love and they will be ok.

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