I Want to Believe

mean girls

Last Saturday I accidentally went to see a psychic. Though, maybe it wasn’t an accident, maybe it was meant to be?

I had been wanting to see a psychic ever since my mum passed away, but I didn’t really know how or where to do it. Then after having lunch with a friend (a friend who was a good support when my mum passed away and is a bit of a mother figure to me) we browsed a local shop where I met a psychic and tarot card reader who worked there. I suddenly felt brave enough to ask if she had any availability that day. She happened to have a no-show at that exact time and she could squeeze me in right away.

I felt a strange connection to the psychic and I think we both felt like I was meant to come to her at that time. We spoke about many things and she seemed to know a lot of true information about me, my family, my life and my work. She also predicted a lot of things that seem quite plausible… and will hopefully come true.

She told me that my mum was with me as my spirit guide. She watches over me and helps guide me through the world. She spoke about a lot things that were specific to my mum- the bad relationship she had with my dad, guilt over things that happened to me as a child and that I need to stop worrying about my brother and take care of myself. I needed to hear some of those things.

It was a pretty emotional and overwhelming experience. It has certainly got under my skin and consumed my thoughts for the last few days. I really did feel closer to my mum and like I was able to communicate with her again – whether real or perceived – it doesn’t really matter.

I don’t know if I really believe in psychic powers, but I am open minded to things that I don’t understand. I know that speaking to the psychic bought me a lot of comfort and that is all that matters to me.

Oh, and Ill fill you in on whether any of her predictions come true…



Not Just a Dress

I did something completely crazy and out of character for me last week. I bought a dress in a size that actually fits me right now. Not a dress that will fit me when I lose weight. It actually fits me today. See, crazy!

Even more unbelievable is that it is a dress to wear to a wedding in 2 months. The old me would have pledged to lose 5 kilos before this wedding and buy a dress in a size too small as ‘motivation’. Then on the night before the wedding I would be hyperventilating in a change room and hating myself for being so fat and undisciplined and spend way too much money on a dress I could barely tolerate. Oh the memories…

So this is the dress. It is a bit glitzy, but the wedding is on a Friday night, so hopefully I can get away with it. I just need to add a spray tan, some red lippy and strappy heels and I am good to go.


I actually ordered 5 dresses from ASOS, all in size 18, and only 2 fit me (the others were way too small god damn it). I was restricted for choice because I had to buy something that was loose around my back, as I have some major lumps and bumps that stand out after my body lift surgery a few years ago. I am also pretty self conscious of my arms so I wanted a sleeve of some sort. And, lastly, I wanted to actually like it and feel like it reflected my style a little bit. I think I succeeded.

So here is to a year of loving myself enough to only buy clothes that actually fit me. I am sure my wardrobe will thank me.


New Year, New House

I have been craving change lately (and chocolate, but that is normal). I feel like I did nothing new or different with my life in 2015. I stayed in the same house, same job, same relationship. Obviously that is not necessarily a bad thing, but I felt like I needed a change. So just two days before Christmas 2015, on my 35th birthday, AJ and I signed the papers to buy a new townhouse.


The details:

  • It’s in Brunswick (suburb of Melbourne)
  • It’s purchased off-the-plan
  • It’ll be finished in September 2015
  • There are 6 townhouses on the block
  • It is 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom
  • It’s 3 stories high (holy crap that is a lot of stairs)

We are currently renting an apartment in Richmond, so we’ll stay here until it’s time to move into the new place. September can’t come quick enough.

Let’s just hope that neither of us lose our jobs between now and then… I hope I didn’t just jinx us!


Me on the block


AJ reviewing the plans


Choosing bathroom tiles


AJ pacing out the block to work out where our townhouse will sit

Missing You

I dreamed about my mum again last night. When I woke up I knew it was just a dream, but I kept my eyes closed so that I could try and hang on to it for as long as possible. I willed myself to go back to sleep and back to the happiness of my dream world where my mum was still alive, but it didn’t work.

So I sat on the side of my bed and tried to remember the details of the dream. How it felt for her to be alive, but the memory of the dream was already fading.

Throughout the day fragments of the dream would come back to me. They came out of nowhere and punctured my peaceful Sunday. I treasured the little pieces of my mum that came back to me. It felt so real that I ached to have her back.

Some days I feel sad for my mum and all of the life she missed out on. Other days I feel sad for myself and all of the time I missed with my mum. Today is one of those days where I feel selfish and just miss her for myself. I miss having someone who loves me unconditionally and cares about every part of me.

It has been almost 2 years without her now, but somehow I miss her more than ever.

It’s time for bed again now… I hope I see you in my dreams again mum.

Me and Mum