Fark!

I’m feeling super flat this week. I was made redundant from my job on Tuesday. Yep, again.

I was totally blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. I don’t work Tuesdays, but I had just spent all of Augie’s morning nap doing work anyway. My new boss called and so I immediately knew something was wrong because she’s never called me. Funnily enough, I felt so secure in my job that I thought someone else must have been fired or quit and they were just filling me in. Ha ha.

Nope. My boss very coldly read off the script she was given telling me I no longer held a position there and that I needed to bring my laptop and swipe card back. The whole thing took about 5 minutes and that was that. I haven’t heard anything more from them. It feels so weird that I’m just never going back to work.

Pretty much my whole team was made redundant because they are decentralising the department. Meaning that instead of one national marketing team, they will have localised marketing in each state.

Last time I was made redundant it felt completely different. I saw it coming so it wasn’t such a shock and I hated my job so it was essentially a good thing (even though I was pissed off at the time). Last time I took it quite personally because I was the only one made redundant. So I was a bit bitter about the whole situation, but hopeful that I’d end up happier.

This time I don’t feel embarrassed because I know it wasn’t personal. But, I just feel gutted to have lost my job for so many reasons. Mostly because this is the first job I have ever had that I liked. I loved the projects I was working on at the moment. Since I came back from maternity leave I somehow managed to hold onto the good parts of my job and let go of the parts I hated. I would actually do it for free, that’s how much I love it.

I also feel like it’s unlikely that I’m going to be able to find meaningful employment part time. I’m not ready to go back full time yet because I’m loving the time at home with Augie. I want that (elusive) balance of family and career and, for me, that means only working part time. I don’t want to just take any crappy job because if I’m going to be away from Augie, it needs to be worth it. But, part time jobs are hard to find. Good ones anyway. What happens if I can’t find work and the career that I have been working to build for years just dissolves???

Plus, I just feel exhausted at the idea of doing my resume, going to job interviews, learning a new job and bonding with new colleagues. I seriously can’t be fucked. I don’t have the energy for it right now.

Look, as down as I’m feeling about this situation, I know this isn’t a real problem. My loved ones are all healthy and I have a roof over my head. So while I’m having a little pity party, I know that things could be worse. Plus, this gives me more time to read books in my pjs with this little guy. So I’m ok.

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Fresh Start

We up and moved house last weekend! It happened really quick in the end. We got a new place (rental), put ours up for rent and moved within a week. It had to happen quickly because we couldn’t afford to pay a mortgage on our house and rent on the new place for very long. More than that, we just couldn’t live in chaos with a baby and a home business. So we started packing Wednesday and movers came at 8.00 am Saturday morning. Holy crap it was a tough week.

To be honest, the worst part was that Augie and AJ both had colds. Poor Augie was struggling to eat/drink/sleep because he was so congested. Plus AJ had 3 new clients that week for his business. Then I got the cold from Augie and AJ. It was one of those hellish weeks that you know you’ll remember for a long time.

But, it was all worth it because we love our new house! It’s big enough for a large kitchen table so we can eat dinner as a family. It has a bath, a yard, a laundry and a linen closet. All things I didn’t have before. It makes life with a baby so much easier! And as you can see below, Augie loves it!

We moved from the very busy (and hip) inner city suburb of Brunswick all the way to the coastal town of Torquay. Talk about a change of pace! We are only a 5 minute walk to the beach and so close to all the nice cafes and shops in town. I love it. So far it feels like being on holidays all the time.

If you know the area you might wonder how the hell I’m going to get to work. Well I’m sitting on the train as I type this… AJ works from home and I only work 2 days a week so it made sense to move away from the city. I’m just going to commute into the city on those days. My work has an office in Geelong (the closest regional centre) and I may be able to work one of my days out of there, which would be really easy. If it all gets too hard I will just quit my job and find something locally or stay home with Augie full time.

The hardest bit for me is that the days I work I probably won’t see Augie at all. Today is the first day that I’m doing the full commute. I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt so anxious about it. On Monday night when AJ was putting Augie to bed and I was still on the train, he showed him a photo of me and he smiled and said “mama!”. I’m just going to miss him so fucking much. God he is just such a ray on sunshine every day. I hate being away from him.

At least I know that I can leave my job if it gets too much. I’m lucky in that I don’t need to work (that sounds really annoying, we aren’t rich, we are just trying to live with less). I do want to keep working so that I don’t lose the career that I’ve built. Plus my job is pretty cool right now. It’s the first time ever that I could say that I like my job.

But, I think it’s all going to be worth it when I can take Augie to the beach every day.

7 Months Old

I’m doing this update on my phone because I never get a chance to get in front of the computer, so apologies if all the photos come out massive and weird! Anyone who actually reads these super long baby updates is doing a good job! 😘

Age: Augie is 7 months old now and has just been a bloody delight this month. He loves playing, singing, clapping hands and especially loves playing “where is Augie” when we put a blanket or pillow on him and say “where’s Augie” and then he pokes his head out. It is just so cute.

He also loves grabbing our faces (ouch) or stroking them while he has his bottle. He is always reaching out to feel you when you’re holding him or sitting behind him. I hope he’s going to stay a cuddly little boy. Well at least toward his mama.

He loves to shake his head “no” (but he doesn’t know what it means, he just thinks it’s fun). And he is such a wriggler now. It can be super hard to get his nappy on at the end of the day when he’s overtired and super wiggly.

He isn’t really crawling yet, but he does push ups, planks and downward dog all the time. He can move about pretty quick on his tummy, but hasn’t mastered proper crawling yet. He can still get from one side of the room to the other pretty quick. I better get some stair gates ASAP!

He had his 6 month vaccinations and did really well with them. He only cries for a second from the shock and then gets over it. We’ve had a break from teething symptoms this month too. He’s just been such a happy little boy.

Feeding: We are still working on solids, but he is doing pretty good now. We feed him solids twice a day and he tends to prefer the fruits and isn’t so keen on vegetables. I feel ya buddy! His favourite thing is to suck on meat, sorry for that gross visual. I’m not loving how messy this stage is… the food gets everywhere. I really need to bath him after each meal, but obviously I couldn’t be fucked doing that!

We are still doing 5 bottles a day, I’d like to cut that back to 4 bottles and increase his solids, but that will take time. Hopefully we’ll get there this month.

Sleeping routine:So last month was a nightmare and this month has been the complete opposite. As soon as he got out of leap 5 and hit 6 months, he just started sleeping like an angel.

He’s having a quick 30 minute nap at 9.00 am, then a longer 1.5 hour nap at about 11.30 am and then another 30 minute nap at about 3.30 pm. Then he goes to bed at 6.30 pm and sleeps solidly until 7.00 – 7.30 pm. Yay Augie!!!

The best thing for us was him learning to link sleep cycles and have a longer day nap. He has pretty much always only had 30 minute catnaps during the day so I’m loving that he’s having a long sleep and I can get shit done during the day.

In hindsight, I think that I wasn’t giving him the opportunity to self settle himself back to sleep. As soon as I heard him wake up and start playing in his cot I would think, oh he’s wide awake, he’s not going to get back to sleep so I better get him up. Then one day I heard him wake up on the baby monitor and I was busy (having a beer to be honest ha ha) so I let him play in the cot for 10 minutes because he’s really happy in there, then suddenly I looked at the monitor and he had gone back to sleep. Well there you go. Maybe I should have been doing that from that start! Now he just sleeps through and doesn’t even wake up.

Firsts: Augie had his first proper swim in a pool this month and he loved it! We took him swimming in the hotel pool on a little holiday we had this month. Then also to a pool in Sydney while his cousin had her swimming lessons. I was quite scared that he’d spew because he is still spitting up milk a bit. Lucky for us we had the hotel pool all to ourselves both days and he did have a little spit up once so we just splashed it away. Eeeek. I was so worried about grossing out the other guests who were trying to enjoy their break!

He loved swimming so much that I feel bad that I don’t take him more often. I signed him up for swimming lessons, but I cancelled before we even started because they were right when he has his morning nap. It’s a 30 minute walk to the pool and I could just see that he’d fall asleep in the pram on the way and then wouldn’t have his proper morning sleep. He’s just fallen into such a great sleep routine that I couldn’t bear to break it. So I think we’ll just take him to the pool casually for playing and start proper lessons next term.

Achievements: Self-settling. Woo hoo! I’m not sure if it just took Augie reaching 6 months and finding his groove or if I needed to give him more time to figure it out, but he suddenly can self-settle. I used to always need to rock him to sleep for every single nap and sometimes in took ages. My back was killing me!!!! At the start of this month he just started arching his back and basically saying “fuck off mum” when I was rocking him to sleep so I put him in his cot and he just rolled onto his side and hugged his bunny and went to sleep. He will still roll about for 5 or 10 minutes sometimes, but he’s not upset, just settling down. So he’ll pretty much always put himself to sleep now. This is the best!

Things we have learned:Going on holidays with a baby is an interesting experience… Before I went back to work, we road tripped along the coast from Melbourne to Sydney to visit my family. We stopped for a few days in Eden and Mollymook to relax by the beach and eat lots of fish and chips. What I didn’t think about though was what we would do when Augie went to sleep at 6.30 pm. I booked normal hotel rooms with portacots, so he was in the room with us when he went to sleep, which meant that we had to sit in a dark and quiet room all night. Next time I would try and book a hotel with a seperate lounge/kitchen area so that we can put Augie to sleep in the bedroom and still be able to enjoy our evening. Don’t get me wrong, we still had a few beers and ate take out after he went to sleep… we just did it very, very quietly and in a pretty dark room. Also, having a kitchen would have been very handy to wash and sterilise his bottles and prepare his food. I did not think that through very well.

But, we still had an amazing family getaway. I really look forward to more family beach holidays as Augie grows up. I also look forward to him being able to stay awake past 6.30 pm and eat in restaurants with us!!!

Appearance: He’s got more blonde hair coming through and his eyes are blue, but moving toward a bluey/grey colour like his dad. He’s always got a scratch on his face because I can’t control his little claws. Why is cutting a baby’s nails so hard???

Mummy update: Its been a weird month for me going back to work. It’s going to take me a while to adjust to leaving him all day and also to my new role at work. Because I’m only part time, it’s really quite limited what I can do at work and so I’ve had to take a major backseat. I’ve gone from managing the full digital program to just doing website admin. I can’t say that I am loving this new role because I now realise that I thrive in management positions and taking responsibility. I have to bite my tongue a lot!!! I guess this is why so many parents have trouble with balance. I can’t take on more responsibility at work, but then also be able to leave at 5.00 pm and work part time. It doesn’t work like that at my company anyway. So I end up feeling a bit useless at work and I also feel less needed at home too (pity party!). I still think I’ve made the right decision to go back to work, I just need to give it some more time to settle into this new role.

Work It Baby

Leaving for my first day back at work

Well I went back to work last week. I’ll just be doing two days a week to start with and I might do an extra day from home. Oh my god, it was sooooo hard. Even harder than I had anticipated.

The night before I pretty much didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake at 4.30 am and I had to get up at 6.30 am. I just felt so sad to be leaving him for a full day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the day to day things that I would miss out on. I actually got weepy when I was showing AJ where his food bibs were and I pulled out a new one that I hadn’t used on Augie yet: “Oh, here’s a bib for tomorrow… I haven’t seen him in this one”. Sob. I don’t think I have cried once since becoming a Mum, I’m not much of a crier, so that shows you how hard this was for me.

I knew he would be perfectly fine because he was going to be with his dad. It just felt like the end of our happy little baby bubble and going back to the real world. I think I also felt like I wasn’t needed anymore. I can just leave for the day and he doesn’t need his mum (more sobbing).

Once I got to work I was OK. It was weird to be back in the office and I felt like I was living my old life pre-Augie. It was like being in a bizarro world. Unfortunately a lot has changed at work since I was there and barely anyone I used to work with is there anymore. It was like starting a whole new job. I really wish there were a few more familiar faces around.

I also felt like I wasn’t much use at work either. I have no idea what is going on anymore and the new team have there own groove, so I felt like I was in the way. There isn’t even space for me to sit with my team so I have been put around the corner on my own with all these empty desks and construction in a corridor where people walk through. Super depressing.

The hardest part is trying to get home in time to see Augie before he goes to bed. I only just make it in time to give him his bottle and put him to bed. I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes with him. That really isn’t OK with me.

I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how things unfold over the next few months. I’m sure it’ll get easier.

Back to the Grind

After quite a bit of back and forth, I finally had it confirmed today that I am going back to work 2 days a week in a couple of weeks. I wasn’t due to go back until mid-June, but I decided to go back earlier because I thought it would be a good balance for my family. I also thought it would be nice to wear fancy (clean!) clothes, put on make up and speak to people who can converse back to me. I won’t know myself!

Our family has had a bit of a shake up this year already with AJ quitting his job to run a business from home. He has a lot of flexibility with his hours and so it made sense that I would go back to work a couple of days to supplement our income and give us a bit of breathing space financially. It’s tough being on one salary!

More than the financial reasons though, I thought it would be good for all of us to share care of Augie. I am currently the primary carer of Augie, and with no family around to help, it’s just me and him pretty much all of the time. I worry that this isn’t good for me or Augie and we’ll both end up getting too attached to each other. I think that it’s important to be able to leave him and not worry that he’ll be anxious without me. Obviously I want him to need his mama, but I want him to be a confident little boy who enjoys spending time with other people (as long as I am his favourite of course).

I do feel lucky that I can do this and not have to worry about childcare. I don’t think I would be quite ready to put Augie in childcare just yet (I am too much of a clinger for that, but my niece was in childcare from this age and absolutely thrived). I have complete confidence in AJ to look after Augie all day. Granted, he has never really done it… but that’s because I hover constantly and take over. Which is another major reason I thought it would be good for me to go back to work and give AJ and Augie the opportunity to spend more one-on-one time together. AJ isn’t quite as strict with routine as I am… but I’m sure they’ll have a good time without the fun police.

I often leave Augie with AJ for a couple of hours at a time to get my nails done, hair appointments, shopping or dinner with friends. But, I have never actually been away from him for a full day and I have no idea how I’ll feel about it. Actually, that is a lie. I do know how I’ll feel about it… totally heartbroken. I will need to leave the house by about 7.15 am, which is exactly when he wakes up and then I won’t get home until about 6.15 pm, which is exactly when he goes to bed. We can’t really keep him awake any longer because he is just so over-tired and just done by that time of day.

I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope being gone all day and not getting cuddles and kisses and smiles. AJ said he can bring him into work to visit me at lunch times, but it’s across the other side of town and I don’t want them being stuck in city traffic when they could be out having fun. I mean, how am I going to leave this little face for 2 days a week? Sob.

Despite my little freak out, I do think it will be the absolute best thing for everyone and we’ll all settle into the new routine nicely. I’ll just need a few extra stiff drinks during the week to get me through.

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Week 16: 3 February

This week I finally told people at work that I am pregnant. I didn’t really plan on telling my boss just yet, but an opportunity came us where we were having a big talk (i.e. she was telling me off) and it was the right time to tell her. She then proceeded to tell my team a few days later because she said if I wasn’t going to do it, she was going to tell them. So that seemed a bit weird. No one believed her at first, which has been a common reaction. I am not sure why this has shocked everyone so much?!

So now just about everyone I am close with knows I’m pregnant. It has been such a weird and awkward experience telling people I am pregnant because it feels like such a personal thing to share. I really hate talking about myself normally and now I am getting so many questions (which is lovely of people to care) but I feel quite uncomfortable. Has anyone else felt like that?

How far along:  16 weeks, yay! Ive been excited to get to this point. It seems like I am really getting there. Next milestone is 20 weeks. 🙂

How big is baby: The size of an avocado, which is weird when I have eaten avocado for lunch every day this week.

Sleep: The insomnia hasn’t been too bad this week, but sleep has been a bit lacking due to the very early mornings for my long commute to work.

Symptoms: Just so bloody tired. I have found myself pretty much done for the day at 3.00 pm and barely able to function after that. It might have more to do with the heat and the commute to work than the baby. Also, I feel like my hair looks like shit lately, is this a pregnancy thing or just having a bad hair month?

Best moment of this week: AJ got a new job, which has nothing to do with the baby, but I am excited for him. Unfortunately this means he won’t get much paternity leave, but hopefully he’ll be able to take 2 weeks off when I have bubs. I have a feeling I will have my hands full!

Miss anything: I’m still missing my mum. Ive been trying not to think about it, but I had a horrible dream on Saturday morning that my gran passed away and my mum was hysterical because it meant that I didn’t have her or my gran to be there for me and the baby and she was worried about me. I woke up sobbing and just haven’t felt good all week. My gran is actually alive in real life, but she hasn’t known who I am for 5 years and can’t really communicate with me at all. So even though she’s still alive, I miss her so much too. It’s just really bought home for me that I don’t have my mum or gran with me. It doesn’t help when so many people keep saying things to me about my mum. People just assume my mum is still around and will help me with the baby and I have to correct them. The HR girl at work was awful because she was pushing me to give her a date for my return to work and I said it would depend on childcare and she flippantly said “can’t your mum just babysit?”, which was just annoying on a number of levels.

Movement: I’m not feeling anything. Maybe in the next few weeks.

Food cravings: Nothing too much, just dry/carby foods and fruit. Nothing weird. I am trying to eat better this week after eating sooooo much take away while we were moving.

Anything making you queasy or sick: No issues this week, but I still can’t stand the sight of chili, onion, capsicum, tomato, mints, coffee and pepsi max. That’s been consistent for my entire pregnancy.

Gender: I still don’t know, I always think of it as a little girl, but that’s just because I want a girl!

How’s your mood: Don’t ask! Oh dear, its been a bit tough again this week. I have felt teary and emotional all week and just not like myself. I am blaming the hormones.

Looking forward to: Just fast forwarding through the next 4 months and being in my new house and having a big fat baby bump.

The Bump: I can really feel it now when I am laying in bed, but no one else can really see it yet. Now that people at work know I am pregnant everyone keeps saying that they can’t believe I am 16 weeks pregnant because you can’t tell. I think it’s quite normal not to have a bump until about 20 weeks for your first pregnancy. Obviously I have a bit of padding for the bump to poke through yet.

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Playing Catch Up

So my life lately has really been consumed by work. I haven’t been able to focus on losing weight, but I don’t think I’ve gained weight either. I am counting that as a massive win for me! I am eating healthy on week days (weekends are a disaster) and I’m walking about 25 minutes each way to work most days to keep moving. I need to do more, but lately I just haven’t had the energy and I don’t want to beat myself up about it.

I’ve been in my ‘new’ job for 4 months exactly today. I think I am finally starting to get the hang of it. I still have a long way to go, but I am ever so slightly less panicked and I have even made a couple of friends. I still wish I was living the good life and didn’t have to work though. Man, I really enjoyed that enforced redundancy break. I shouldn’t complain too much though because I guess I am grateful to have a good job.

So my life has really been all about work, but here is what else has been going on in between…

We bought a new car! It was a spur of the moment decision, we had gone out to buy a toaster and ended up driving past a dealership and stopped in for a look. God we are suckers. I am not into cars, but AJ is happy because it does fast sporty things and I am happy because it has heated seats. Win, win.

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AJ was asked to speak at a conference in Sydney, so I took the opportunity to join him and make it a long weekend. My brother and sister in law moved to Sydney last year, so it was great to visit them and also plan a little break to the cute wine area of Mudgee. I loved it, we had a blast.

While we were in Sydney we nabbed tickets to see Ben Folds (one of my favourites) at the Sydney Opera House. I had always wanted to see a show at the Opera House so that was awesome. Sydney is so much fun!

My sister in law is due to have her baby on the 25th October. Eeeek, I can’t believe I’ll be an aunty for the first time soon. I threw her a baby shower in the pub underneath my apartment last month. I stressed myself out with the whole thing of course. Party planning is hard work, but it went really well. Phew.

We are still waiting for our townhouse to be built. Originally it was supposed to be finished in August… and we are now in October and we are still a long way off. Apparently the builder has had health issues and has had to have treatment in France, so I guess there isn’t much we can do about it. What makes me nervous is that my rental apartment is being sold and going to auction this weekend. So there is a good chance we are going to be without a house. Shit, shit, shit.

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That’s all folks.

xxoo