Week 16: 3 February

This week I finally told people at work that I am pregnant. I didn’t really plan on telling my boss just yet, but an opportunity came us where we were having a big talk (i.e. she was telling me off) and it was the right time to tell her. She then proceeded to tell my team a few days later because she said if I wasn’t going to do it, she was going to tell them. So that seemed a bit weird. No one believed her at first, which has been a common reaction. I am not sure why this has shocked everyone so much?!

So now just about everyone I am close with knows I’m pregnant. It has been such a weird and awkward experience telling people I am pregnant because it feels like such a personal thing to share. I really hate talking about myself normally and now I am getting so many questions (which is lovely of people to care) but I feel quite uncomfortable. Has anyone else felt like that?

How far along:  16 weeks, yay! Ive been excited to get to this point. It seems like I am really getting there. Next milestone is 20 weeks. 🙂

How big is baby: The size of an avocado, which is weird when I have eaten avocado for lunch every day this week.

Sleep: The insomnia hasn’t been too bad this week, but sleep has been a bit lacking due to the very early mornings for my long commute to work.

Symptoms: Just so bloody tired. I have found myself pretty much done for the day at 3.00 pm and barely able to function after that. It might have more to do with the heat and the commute to work than the baby. Also, I feel like my hair looks like shit lately, is this a pregnancy thing or just having a bad hair month?

Best moment of this week: AJ got a new job, which has nothing to do with the baby, but I am excited for him. Unfortunately this means he won’t get much paternity leave, but hopefully he’ll be able to take 2 weeks off when I have bubs. I have a feeling I will have my hands full!

Miss anything: I’m still missing my mum. Ive been trying not to think about it, but I had a horrible dream on Saturday morning that my gran passed away and my mum was hysterical because it meant that I didn’t have her or my gran to be there for me and the baby and she was worried about me. I woke up sobbing and just haven’t felt good all week. My gran is actually alive in real life, but she hasn’t known who I am for 5 years and can’t really communicate with me at all. So even though she’s still alive, I miss her so much too. It’s just really bought home for me that I don’t have my mum or gran with me. It doesn’t help when so many people keep saying things to me about my mum. People just assume my mum is still around and will help me with the baby and I have to correct them. The HR girl at work was awful because she was pushing me to give her a date for my return to work and I said it would depend on childcare and she flippantly said “can’t your mum just babysit?”, which was just annoying on a number of levels.

Movement: I’m not feeling anything. Maybe in the next few weeks.

Food cravings: Nothing too much, just dry/carby foods and fruit. Nothing weird. I am trying to eat better this week after eating sooooo much take away while we were moving.

Anything making you queasy or sick: No issues this week, but I still can’t stand the sight of chili, onion, capsicum, tomato, mints, coffee and pepsi max. That’s been consistent for my entire pregnancy.

Gender: I still don’t know, I always think of it as a little girl, but that’s just because I want a girl!

How’s your mood: Don’t ask! Oh dear, its been a bit tough again this week. I have felt teary and emotional all week and just not like myself. I am blaming the hormones.

Looking forward to: Just fast forwarding through the next 4 months and being in my new house and having a big fat baby bump.

The Bump: I can really feel it now when I am laying in bed, but no one else can really see it yet. Now that people at work know I am pregnant everyone keeps saying that they can’t believe I am 16 weeks pregnant because you can’t tell. I think it’s quite normal not to have a bump until about 20 weeks for your first pregnancy. Obviously I have a bit of padding for the bump to poke through yet.

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Playing Catch Up

So my life lately has really been consumed by work. I haven’t been able to focus on losing weight, but I don’t think I’ve gained weight either. I am counting that as a massive win for me! I am eating healthy on week days (weekends are a disaster) and I’m walking about 25 minutes each way to work most days to keep moving. I need to do more, but lately I just haven’t had the energy and I don’t want to beat myself up about it.

I’ve been in my ‘new’ job for 4 months exactly today. I think I am finally starting to get the hang of it. I still have a long way to go, but I am ever so slightly less panicked and I have even made a couple of friends. I still wish I was living the good life and didn’t have to work though. Man, I really enjoyed that enforced redundancy break. I shouldn’t complain too much though because I guess I am grateful to have a good job.

So my life has really been all about work, but here is what else has been going on in between…

We bought a new car! It was a spur of the moment decision, we had gone out to buy a toaster and ended up driving past a dealership and stopped in for a look. God we are suckers. I am not into cars, but AJ is happy because it does fast sporty things and I am happy because it has heated seats. Win, win.

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AJ was asked to speak at a conference in Sydney, so I took the opportunity to join him and make it a long weekend. My brother and sister in law moved to Sydney last year, so it was great to visit them and also plan a little break to the cute wine area of Mudgee. I loved it, we had a blast.

While we were in Sydney we nabbed tickets to see Ben Folds (one of my favourites) at the Sydney Opera House. I had always wanted to see a show at the Opera House so that was awesome. Sydney is so much fun!

My sister in law is due to have her baby on the 25th October. Eeeek, I can’t believe I’ll be an aunty for the first time soon. I threw her a baby shower in the pub underneath my apartment last month. I stressed myself out with the whole thing of course. Party planning is hard work, but it went really well. Phew.

We are still waiting for our townhouse to be built. Originally it was supposed to be finished in August… and we are now in October and we are still a long way off. Apparently the builder has had health issues and has had to have treatment in France, so I guess there isn’t much we can do about it. What makes me nervous is that my rental apartment is being sold and going to auction this weekend. So there is a good chance we are going to be without a house. Shit, shit, shit.

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That’s all folks.

xxoo

Valium and Netflix

I just realised that I have been in my ‘new’ job for 8 weeks now. It feels like 8 seconds and 8 years at the same time.

I’m not sure if I have ever worked as hard in my life as I have in this job. Or maybe I am just feeling old and tired? Actually, I think that might be it.

I don’t know if I have the energy to establish myself in yet another job. I just feel tired and like I have lost the drive I once had around my career. I was so happy during my 2 month period of unemployment and I miss that feeling a lot.

I think that being made redundant in my last job kind of changed me. I don’t feel bitter or angry about it, but I guess I just find it hard to trust that my hard work will be rewarded or even valued. It makes me wonder why I am killing myself in yet another job and where it will get me. See, I am getting old and cynical!

All of this work stress, even though it’s mostly been manufactured in my own head, has left me feeling particularly anxious lately. I feel overwhelmed by simple tasks (OMG I have to wash my hair…), I’m being snappy to AJ (Close the effing fridge door!) and I’m protective of my personal time (What do you mean you said we’d babysit your sister’s kids all day Saturday?). Thank god for Valium and Netflix.

Despite all of this, I have managed to stick to my healthy eating goals (for the most part). I find that often when I am in the eye of the storm I can stay focussed on eating well. The adrenalin from my anxiety keeps me going. It’s not until everything slows down that I completely crash and burn into a pit of chocolate wrappers. I am determined not to let that happen this time. I’m on high alert!

I should mention that there are some perks to my new job. My company has ties to my favourite football team, which has meant I got to spend some time with these nice guys (and a few others). Swoon.

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Me with Mitch Duncan and Tom Hawkins from Geelong Football Club

The Hunger

Well I have almost finished up my first three weeks in my new job… and it only feels like three years… I think it’s safe to say that I am not one of those people who would choose to work if they didn’t have to. Obviously those people are insane.

Anyway, all this hard work has given me THE HUNGER. I just want to eat and eat and then eat some more. Why does thinking make me so hungry?

It’s not exactly unusual for me to turn to food when I am stressed (or happy or sad or excited or depressed or bored). So I am just trying to make good choices and not worry too much about weight loss. If I can get through my first few months in this job without gaining a stack of weight, I will call that a victory.

Exercise has not been a priority for me right now. I am working fairly long hours and it’s the dead of winter, so let’s face it, who can be arsed? I am walking about 25 minutes each way (a slow walk) to my tram stop to get to and from work, so at least I am getting some movement in most days.

I have to say that I am not exactly loving life right now, so I am just going to channel my inner Britney.

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I feel better already!

First Day

Is there anything worse than the first day at a new job? Well, lucky me, I kind of get to do it twice. I started my new job on Monday and had off-site training with my new boss all day Monday and Tuesday. So now my first day in the office and meeting my team is tomorrow (Wednesday).

I was so nervous about starting work that I spent all day Sunday concocting a plan to escape. I worked out that it would be cheaper to live in a pool villa in Bali than in my little Melbourne apartment. So it would only make sense for me to move there right? Or I would also happily move to a little house in the mountains and spend my days working in a winery. They can even pay me in wine, I am totally OK with that arrangement.

I obviously sucked it up and started work on Monday and so far it has gone pretty well. I overreacted as per usual… As much as I love not working, I also love spending money, so work is a necessary evil that I will just have to deal with.

Now I just need to find out the most important thing… how soon I can start having my online shopping delivered to work.

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Elevator selfie on my first day of work

Life Moves On…

After I published my last blog post freaking out about my new job, AJ sensed that I was anxious and asked if I wanted to go for a drive. It was late on Sunday night, but I needed to get out of the apartment to try and calm my thoughts.

We seem to always have our best chats when we are just driving around and looking at the city lights. Normally one of us will convince the other that we need a chocolate sundae from McDonald’s. OK, normally its me that makes the case for a sundae. And a cheeseburger.

We decided to go for a drive to my new office and plan out all the different routes I could take to get there from my current apartment and my new house when I move. I found it strangely calming to get organised and know exactly where my commute would take me (and find the best bars close to my new office).

As we kept driving and talking, AJ said that he had been thinking about my mum that week and how proud she would be that I got this job. It meant so much to me that he acknowledged her and how she would feel about my achievement. There are so few people in my life who knew my mum. I find that I crave acknowledgement of her existence and how much she meant to me.

I had been thinking a lot about her all week and felt so sad I couldn’t tell her about my new job. The last time I got a new job she sent me these flowers because she was so proud of me.

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My mum left school when she was about 12 and had her first baby at 16. She didn’t have an education or a career, but she was adamant that those options would be open for me. Whatever I chose to do, she would support me. I know she would have been proud of this new job and telling everyone she met in the supermarket or pharmacy that her daughter got a new job. She would have made it sound much more impressive than it actually was, but there would be no way she would believe that it wasn’t the most amazing job in the world. I did love to make her proud.

I find change so hard to deal with these days. It feels like every little way my life changes moves me further away from my mum and the life I had when she was alive. I know AJ really understands this because he lost his dad 9 years ago. I feel so lucky to have his support through everything that has happened with my mum. Thank god we have each other.

I Got a Job!

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Apparently now I am a Digital Marketer. Well trying to be anyway.

I really wanted this job, but now my anxiety has kicked in and I am wondering why the hell this company would hire me. I don’t know what I am doing. I am an imposter. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

I have always struggled with confidence at work (and with just about everything else), but it doesn’t help that I was made redundant from my last job. I don’t think I realised how hard that knocked my confidence until recently. I kept telling everyone that ‘I’m not taking it personally‘, but who am I kidding? I totally took it personally. Why would they get rid of me if they valued me as an employee?

Oh god. I have felt sick with nerves from the moment I accepted the role. Why can’t I just not work ever again? I don’t need money… I’ll change my lifestyle… I’ll just sleep in a tent and grow my own food…

I don’t start until Monday 6th June, so I have another week to relax at home wallow in a pit of self doubt.

 

Oh no