Work It Baby

Leaving for my first day back at work

Well I went back to work last week. I’ll just be doing two days a week to start with and I might do an extra day from home. Oh my god, it was sooooo hard. Even harder than I had anticipated.

The night before I pretty much didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake at 4.30 am and I had to get up at 6.30 am. I just felt so sad to be leaving him for a full day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the day to day things that I would miss out on. I actually got weepy when I was showing AJ where his food bibs were and I pulled out a new one that I hadn’t used on Augie yet: “Oh, here’s a bib for tomorrow… I haven’t seen him in this one”. Sob. I don’t think I have cried once since becoming a Mum, I’m not much of a crier, so that shows you how hard this was for me.

I knew he would be perfectly fine because he was going to be with his dad. It just felt like the end of our happy little baby bubble and going back to the real world. I think I also felt like I wasn’t needed anymore. I can just leave for the day and he doesn’t need his mum (more sobbing).

Once I got to work I was OK. It was weird to be back in the office and I felt like I was living my old life pre-Augie. It was like being in a bizarro world. Unfortunately a lot has changed at work since I was there and barely anyone I used to work with is there anymore. It was like starting a whole new job. I really wish there were a few more familiar faces around.

I also felt like I wasn’t much use at work either. I have no idea what is going on anymore and the new team have there own groove, so I felt like I was in the way. There isn’t even space for me to sit with my team so I have been put around the corner on my own with all these empty desks and construction in a corridor where people walk through. Super depressing.

The hardest part is trying to get home in time to see Augie before he goes to bed. I only just make it in time to give him his bottle and put him to bed. I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes with him. That really isn’t OK with me.

I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how things unfold over the next few months. I’m sure it’ll get easier.


Week 22: 17 March

How far along: 22 weeks.

How big is baby: The length of a cucumber. Sounds a bit dirty really…

Sleep: This week is the best I have slept since I got pregnant. I think I am feeling much less anxious and stressed now that I am staying at the hotel and I am getting way more sleep. What a relief.

Symptoms: The usual… heartburn, afternoon fatigue, easily emotional. Plus I got my fourth pregnancy cold. OMG I am so sick of these colds because I can’t take anything to help. I went to the pharmacy and tried to buy Strepsils for my sore throat and the Pharmacist said I couldn’t even take those! Only Panadol allowed.

Best moment of this week: My friend, B, sent me bub’s first toy. So cute! I opened the present at work and one of the girls I work with said “Can you believe that something inside your stomach right now is going to play with that bunny?”. That was surreal!


Miss anything: Today it was 3 years since my mum passed away. It’s hard to put into words how much I miss her, especially now I am pregnant. I miss having her support at this time when I really need it and I am sad that she misses out on being here for this experience. She would have loved every second of it.

Movement: Bubs has been going crazy with movement this week. I can’t seem to find any patterns to the movement, it happens randomly throughout the day and night and isn’t connected to food or drink that I consume. It just comes out of the blue and gives me a total surprise.

On Saturday night I took bubs to see the Adele concert in Melbourne. I think he/she enjoyed it because they were bouncing around a lot. Or maybe it was that it was so bloody hot and my jeans were way too tight?


Food cravings: On Monday night I just really felt like ice cream for dinner, so I went to the supermarket and I was finally able to buy Halo Top ice cream. Yay! I have been looking everywhere for these for the past 6 months. They were pretty good, definitely not as creamy and delicious as regular ice cream, but a great treat.


Anything making you queasy or sick: I’ve had about enough of the hot weather. I got pretty grumpy over the weekend when I was out and about and over-heating myself. Plus all my clothes are suddenly too tight and everything I wear is annoying me.

Gender: I hope it’s a girl because I just cannot come up with any boys names. Any ideas???

How’s your mood: Apart from my occasional  emotional moments, I feel pretty positive and happy this week. Moving into this hotel has just made such a difference to my mood. I feel like my old self again. I love being in the city and having my own space. Plus all the nice restaurants, markets, parks and beauty shops in my neighbourhood are giving me life. Love it.

Looking forward to: When I really start showing and people offer me a seat on public transport. That will be nice.

The Bump: It may not seem like it to anyone else, but my bump has grown a lot in the past 2 weeks. I think I had a little growth spurt. I have really thickened up all around my middle too, as you can see in the photo below, my roll of fat under my boobs is expanding rapidly. So it’s not exactly a cute little bump, I’m just getting fatter, but I kind of expected that to happen. I knew I wouldn’t ever be one of those cute little pregnant women!



20 Week Scan


Last Monday we had our 20 week scan (I was 20 weeks + 4 days). This is the last big scan we will have as long as everything continues to go well with bubs. Over the last few weeks I have had a gnawing little concern that something could be wrong because of my lack of bump. I was 95% sure that everything was OK, but there is always that little doubt in your mind that likes to worry you at 4.00 am. So I was really pleased to have a scan and be reassured that bubs had all the right parts and is developing well.

Unfortunately though, bubs was not cooperating and the sonographer couldn’t get all the angles he needed to get to finish the scan. So I went away and met with my obstetrician and came back an hour later in the hope that bubs had changed position. Lucky for me, bubs was cooperating a little better and we got everything we needed.

Even when bubs was facing the right way, the sonographer had some trouble seeing everything and had to do an internal scan (which has been the case at all 3 of my scans so far). My first thought was that it was my weight, but he then he asked me if I had any stomach surgery, because I had a lot of scar tissue, so that was the issue. I’ve had two laparoscopies, gall bladder removal, lap band and body lift, so I guess it makes sense that I have a bit of scar tissue. I don’t know if this will have any impact on giving birth?

As we don’t want to find out the gender, we were advised to look away during certain parts of the scan. The sonographer was very good and didn’t let anything slip. AJ had to go back to work for the second part (it took 3 and a half hours!) and I was worried I would accidentally see something while he wasn’t there and trying to work out if I should keep it on the down low or share the news. Lucky for me, that didn’t happen.

It was a bit of fun and very reassuring to see that bubs was doing ok, but as with the last one, I can’t say I felt overly emotional during it. I just don’t feel a massive connection to the baby yet because it doesn’t feel real and, to be honest, it looks kind of like an alien. Obviously I am still waiting for those maternal vibes to kick in! At one stage I almost fell asleep during the scan and AJ had to give me a nudge. I feel like a better mother would be much more alert during these important moments ha ha!

Week 20: 3 March

How far along: 20 weeks. Now we are really getting somewhere. It feels good to be out of the teens and into the twenties.

How big is baby: Apparently bubs is about 16.5 cm and the size of a banana. Yum, that’s making me hungry. Everything makes me hungry.

Sleep: Nothing to complain about too much this week. Whoa that doesn’t sound like me! I must be in a good mood this week.

Symptoms: Well I had been getting bad chest pain after eating. It felt like heart attack sort of pain and not heart burn, so I mentioned it to my obstetrician and she said it’s reflux. I’m like, no but it feels like a heart attack and she said that is what reflux is. Whoops. I don’t think I actually knew what reflux was, so that was embarrassing! I thought reflux and heart burn were the same thing, but reflux seems to be more of a chest pain thing. I have no idea. It’s not comfortable though!

Best moment of this week: Our 20 week scan! We got to see that bubs was all ok, which was nice to put my mind at ease. More on that in another post.

Miss anything: I missed my mum after my 20 week scan, I really wanted to show her the photo of bubs.

Movement: Yes lots of flips and turns and flutters. They are quite quick and only last a few seconds, so not long enough for AJ to feel, but hopefully soon.

Food cravings: Not really a craving, but I do just feel like hot chips this week. Let’s face it though, I always feel like hot chippies, it’s not unusual. I think I see a maccas drive thru in my future!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really. I have replaced my beloved Pepsi Max with Diet Coke, for some reason it doesn’t make me feel sick (I only drink it very occasionally). All the foods/drinks that were making me sick for the first 12 weeks, don’t make me want to throw up anymore, but they still turn my stomach a little.

Gender: I am still feeling (or projecting) girl vibes.

How’s your mood: I’ve been in a good mood this week because I had my 20 week scan and my mini break to look forward to. Just knowing that I had a few days off work to look forward to made all the difference this week.

Looking forward to: Seeing my baby niece, Penelope, this week. I haven’t seen her since Christmas and she has grown so much. We are meeting my family in Jervis Bay for a few days at the end of the week. Only my sister in law knows we are coming, it’ll be a surprise for my brother, dad and step mum. They planned the trip away and we couldn’t get the time off work, but since AJ is starting a new job next week, he was able to get a few days off work between jobs and the timing was perfect.

The Bump: I think you can see the bump a little bit in this photo! I mean, I still just look fat, but it’s taking shape. These photos are taken at 5.30 in the morning, so that explains my crazed look.


Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away, my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife moved 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.

Week 18: 17 February

How far along: 18 weeks- getting close to half way.

How big is baby: The size of a capsicum. A girl at work was asking me how big the baby was now and I said it was still tiny really and my app was telling me it was 14.2 cm from head to bum. She got out a ruler and measured that and we were both shocked by how big that actually was. I think I just assumed it was still this tiny little nugget, but it’s really growing now! That was a surreal moment.

Sleep: Same, same this week. Waking up very early and can’t get back to sleep. I’m not sure how much of it is insomnia, anxiety or just changed sleep patterns. It’s not really bothering me too much.

Symptoms: The main thing I am struggling with is a major 3.00 pm slump. I can barely function at work after this time and just want to go home to bed. Other ongoing symptoms have been consistent throughout my pregnancy: dizziness, cramping and needing to go to the toilet all of the bloody time.

Best moment of this week: I had a few nice moments where I felt special this week. One of the agencies I work with sent me flowers to work to congratulate me, my blog friend Nessa sent me some baby goodies, my sister-in-law treated me to a night in a hotel and AJ bought me some lovely choccies and perfume. It reminded me how lucky I am to be surrounded by good people.

Oh and submitting my maternity leave forms, my last day of work is 16th June. The countdown is on!

Miss anything: Missing AJ, even though he is still here with me, he has been working long hours on his business and I feel like I barely see him. I miss having time to chat with him about the baby, but I am proud of how hard he is working.

Movement: Not feeling anything much this week. I am sure I felt it last week, but not this week.

Food cravings: A plain toasted cheese sandwich would be nice. Craving plain, dry foods as I am feeling a little off this week.

Anything making you queasy or sick: Not queasy, just a lack of appetite. Not that it’s stopped me from eating of course!

Gender: Some annoying people at work have started predicting it’s a boy… hmmm

How’s your mood: My mood has been a bit cheerier now that I have confirmed I am moving into a hotel close to work on the 13th March until my new house is finished being built. Not long now and I’ll be rid of the hideous long commute, have my own private space, reliable hot water, internet and TV reception. I am so excited!!!

Looking forward to: Moving into our hotel in just a few weeks. Bliss.

The Bump: I took a photo in my jeans this week. I am still in my pre-pregnancy size 14 jeans, but they are really being pushed to the limit now. Before baby they were too big, now they are very snug and I need to undo them in the car to give me some relief. This might be the last time these jeans make an appearance!

Still no noticeable bump to the outside eye, but I can see how rounded out I am there. I used to be flat (thank you tummy tuck), but now I have a little bump. It’s enough to mean a lot of my clothes don’t fit, but not enough to need to wear maternity clothes. The awkward stage!


Week 16: 3 February

This week I finally told people at work that I am pregnant. I didn’t really plan on telling my boss just yet, but an opportunity came us where we were having a big talk (i.e. she was telling me off) and it was the right time to tell her. She then proceeded to tell my team a few days later because she said if I wasn’t going to do it, she was going to tell them. So that seemed a bit weird. No one believed her at first, which has been a common reaction. I am not sure why this has shocked everyone so much?!

So now just about everyone I am close with knows I’m pregnant. It has been such a weird and awkward experience telling people I am pregnant because it feels like such a personal thing to share. I really hate talking about myself normally and now I am getting so many questions (which is lovely of people to care) but I feel quite uncomfortable. Has anyone else felt like that?

How far along:  16 weeks, yay! Ive been excited to get to this point. It seems like I am really getting there. Next milestone is 20 weeks. 🙂

How big is baby: The size of an avocado, which is weird when I have eaten avocado for lunch every day this week.

Sleep: The insomnia hasn’t been too bad this week, but sleep has been a bit lacking due to the very early mornings for my long commute to work.

Symptoms: Just so bloody tired. I have found myself pretty much done for the day at 3.00 pm and barely able to function after that. It might have more to do with the heat and the commute to work than the baby. Also, I feel like my hair looks like shit lately, is this a pregnancy thing or just having a bad hair month?

Best moment of this week: AJ got a new job, which has nothing to do with the baby, but I am excited for him. Unfortunately this means he won’t get much paternity leave, but hopefully he’ll be able to take 2 weeks off when I have bubs. I have a feeling I will have my hands full!

Miss anything: I’m still missing my mum. Ive been trying not to think about it, but I had a horrible dream on Saturday morning that my gran passed away and my mum was hysterical because it meant that I didn’t have her or my gran to be there for me and the baby and she was worried about me. I woke up sobbing and just haven’t felt good all week. My gran is actually alive in real life, but she hasn’t known who I am for 5 years and can’t really communicate with me at all. So even though she’s still alive, I miss her so much too. It’s just really bought home for me that I don’t have my mum or gran with me. It doesn’t help when so many people keep saying things to me about my mum. People just assume my mum is still around and will help me with the baby and I have to correct them. The HR girl at work was awful because she was pushing me to give her a date for my return to work and I said it would depend on childcare and she flippantly said “can’t your mum just babysit?”, which was just annoying on a number of levels.

Movement: I’m not feeling anything. Maybe in the next few weeks.

Food cravings: Nothing too much, just dry/carby foods and fruit. Nothing weird. I am trying to eat better this week after eating sooooo much take away while we were moving.

Anything making you queasy or sick: No issues this week, but I still can’t stand the sight of chili, onion, capsicum, tomato, mints, coffee and pepsi max. That’s been consistent for my entire pregnancy.

Gender: I still don’t know, I always think of it as a little girl, but that’s just because I want a girl!

How’s your mood: Don’t ask! Oh dear, its been a bit tough again this week. I have felt teary and emotional all week and just not like myself. I am blaming the hormones.

Looking forward to: Just fast forwarding through the next 4 months and being in my new house and having a big fat baby bump.

The Bump: I can really feel it now when I am laying in bed, but no one else can really see it yet. Now that people at work know I am pregnant everyone keeps saying that they can’t believe I am 16 weeks pregnant because you can’t tell. I think it’s quite normal not to have a bump until about 20 weeks for your first pregnancy. Obviously I have a bit of padding for the bump to poke through yet.