Rut

I’m not sure if life is getting me down or if I am down and it’s making my life seem shit. What came first, the chicken or the egg? All I can say right now is that I feel like I am in a rut.

Work is just so hard, my house build has been delayed and I don’t know where I am going to live, this infertility stuff is doing my head in and I feel lonely without any family around. I feel overwhelmed and like I have nothing to look forward to right now.

I am starting to wonder if the fertility drug I have been taking, Clomid, is part of the issue because I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have severe PMS symptoms all of the time. I am turning into a horrible snappy bitch that I don’t recognise. I’m not sure if I can take the drug much longer or what that might mean for me.

I am really letting it all get to me and I am trying to suffocate the stress with food and alcohol. I am eating poorly, drinking too much and now my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’s a vicious bloody cycle.

The one thing I can do to help myself is take better care of my health. Eating a diet of potato chips and red wine might feel good in the short term, but it’s obviously not helping. Even though we are heading into the Christmas season, I am committing to focus on better eating and cut down on drinking. I’m going to make choices that my future self will thank me for, even if my current self wants sugar and salt.

In all the darkness, here is the light, I became and aunty on 22nd October. Her name is Penelope Jennifer (Jennifer is after my mum) but we mostly call her Polly. I was lucky enough to be able to fly to Sydney when my sister-in-law went into labour and be there to give her cuddles right away. I can’t wait to see her again at Christmas, I miss her so much!

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My first meeting with my niece

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Proud grandparents

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Juggling baby and dog, no problem!

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2 weeks old (dimples!)

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Looking just like my mum and brother

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Angel

 

 

 

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Balancing Act

I struggle with balance more than I struggle with anything else when it comes to food. I am a classic all or nothing personality with food… and with a lot of other things in life… If eat a slice of pizza, I may as well eat the whole thing… and a tub of ice cream to wash it down. It doesn’t matter if I am not hungry, I better eat all of the food because I will be back on the ‘diet’ tomorrow.

I could have a perfectly lovely dinner with friends and then come home and raid the fridge because I had blown the diet now anyway. So I started to say no to social invitations because I couldn’t trust myself to eat like a normal person. I would overthink what I would eat (I’ll just order the salad and only have one glass of wine) and then I would come home and binge on whatever crap I could find.

In the first week of the new year my girlfriend invited me to enjoy drinks in the sunshine while we were on holidays from work. As usual, I had overindulged during the holidays and felt like I should stick to clean and healthy living until my pants buttoned up again, so I declined the invitation. Then I got angry at myself because I felt like I was always saying no to fun things because of my stupid diet.

This triggered me to assess what the hell I am doing with my life. Why do I make life so miserable for myself? Don’t I have enough shitty things in my life, without deliberately making my life shittier?

So now I am trying to find a way I can balance having a fun social life, with living a healthy lifestyle. This doesn’t come naturally to me at all. I either want to stay home and avoid being around food completely or go out and eat like a crazy person.

I am getting better, slowly. On Friday night I went out after work and had one glass of wine and then came home and ate a normal healthy dinner. Every fibre of my being wanted to keep the party going and head out for more drinks and an indulgent dinner. But I know that if I can enjoy learn to enjoy life in a more balanced way, I’ll get to experience more and maintain a more healthy weight. It’s worth a shot.

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Being OK with Myself

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I was losing the battle with binge eating at the start of this month. I was eating completely out of control and I was starting to panic that I was on my way down a dangerous path that would find me back at 130 kilos (286 lbs). I could see it happening, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Do you know what really helped me start to turn things around? I realised that I need to stop hating my body. It turns out that the more I hated myself, the more I wanted to punish myself with food.

A few weeks ago I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time and told myself that I am OK as I am now. I do still want to lose weight, but I am OK now too. This isn’t the first time I have tried this, but something sunk in this time.

I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to drop a lot of weight before going on an upcoming holiday and part of the chat I had with myself in the mirror was about this holiday. I told myself that it didn’t matter if I was 5 kilos heavier or 5 kilos lighter on holidays. I am OK as I am now and I deserve to have a fun holiday no matter what size I am.

I’m not a good example of body positivity by any means… I still grab my rolls of fat and screw up my face in the mirror and I still get frustrated that I can’t fit into cute clothes, but I am working at it.

The Binge Cycle

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I had a really bad weekend of eating. I don’t mean that I overindulged a little bit too much… I mean that I ate myself into a pit of misery and self hatred. I can see now that I was putting too much pressure on myself to lose weight and have been teetering on the edge of a major binge for weeks.

I was obsessing over food, feeling grumpy and deprived and my body physically felt tired from the lack of food energy it was receiving. I spent way too much time thinking about how I could ‘survive’ our office drinks and paella party on Friday night. About an hour before the party I caved in and decided to just relax and enjoy the delicious food and wine. Well, that decision sent me directly to the cookie jar where I tried to secretly shove biscuits into my mouth without my colleagues seeing me.

Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop for the entire weekend… By Sunday night I felt completely out of control and I knew that I needed to make some changes.

I realised it isn’t so much about changing the way I eat, it is more about changing the way I view myself. If I can be more accepting of my body and the way I look I won’t feel quite so desperate to OMG.MUST.LOSE.WEIGHT.RIGHT.NOW!!! If I hate myself less, I will treat my body better. Hopefully.

This doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to lose weight. It just means that I am trying to be OK with myself as I am now and understand that if I make consistent healthy choices I will eventually get to where I want to be. It’s hard to accept that weight loss will be slow, but I am determined to break this binge/starve cycle I have been in for 30 years.

I think taking that pressure off myself has helped because I already feel a little calmer about my food choices this week.