I’m not sure if life is getting me down or if I am down and it’s making my life seem shit. What came first, the chicken or the egg? All I can say right now is that I feel like I am in a rut.

Work is just so hard, my house build has been delayed and I don’t know where I am going to live, this infertility stuff is doing my head in and I feel lonely without any family around. I feel overwhelmed and like I have nothing to look forward to right now.

I am starting to wonder if the fertility drug I have been taking, Clomid, is part of the issue because I just don’t feel like myself. I feel like I have severe PMS symptoms all of the time. I am turning into a horrible snappy bitch that I don’t recognise. I’m not sure if I can take the drug much longer or what that might mean for me.

I am really letting it all get to me and I am trying to suffocate the stress with food and alcohol. I am eating poorly, drinking too much and now my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’s a vicious bloody cycle.

The one thing I can do to help myself is take better care of my health. Eating a diet of potato chips and red wine might feel good in the short term, but it’s obviously not helping. Even though we are heading into the Christmas season, I am committing to focus on better eating and cut down on drinking. I’m going to make choices that my future self will thank me for, even if my current self wants sugar and salt.

In all the darkness, here is the light, I became and aunty on 22nd October. Her name is Penelope Jennifer (Jennifer is after my mum) but we mostly call her Polly. I was lucky enough to be able to fly to Sydney when my sister-in-law went into labour and be there to give her cuddles right away. I can’t wait to see her again at Christmas, I miss her so much!


My first meeting with my niece


Proud grandparents


Juggling baby and dog, no problem!


2 weeks old (dimples!)


Looking just like my mum and brother







15 thoughts on “Rut

  1. That first picture of you with your niece is extraordinary! No sign of a rut on your face, I can’t quite describe what I see in your face, but it took my breath away. Just beautiful. And Congratulations too!!!

    Sorry you are in a rut & out of sorts – I have a friend who also suffered being on fertility drugs, so that may be a big part of the problem. This never ending winter we’ve been having has been getting to me too. Hopefully some sunshine will help!!!!! xoxo


  2. I agree with Cat….that 1st pic of your niece and you is just priceless….a very very special moment captured showing your love and happiness.


    Sure hope you are feeling better soon. xx


  3. Oh gosh clomid made me cray cray too!! I hope it’s worth the awfulness for you. I’m currently on my 5th cycle of clomid and sorry to break it to you but the symptoms don’t really lesson.

    Also your niece is gorgeous!! Being an auntie is the best thing ever – I love it.


  4. Sending you big hugs! I can’t imaging what you are currently going through with regards to your fertility issues. Not many people know, but I looked into IVF etc, as I can’t see myself finding “Mr Right” anytime soon. I had a consult and the necessary tests, including a $600 ultrasound to assess fertility, but then the more I thought about it, the more scared I was at going at it alone, even though I have supportive family. Mind you, I was supposedly diagnosed with PCOS in my early 20’s and commenced on Metformin, but then two specialists have since told told me that I didn’t, so I don’t bloody know.

    Keeping everything cross for you and AJ and hope that things will work out for you both xoxo.

    Things will happen when you least expect it.


    • I have 3 close girlfriends who have all done the same thing as you Nessa, so it’s quite common! One friend got a sperm donor and has a lovely little boy, another was unsuccessful in her attempts unfortunately (heartbreaking) and the other has just started the solo ivf journey. So many of us share the same problems, we just don’t talk about it. Maybe the door is still open for you? xxoo


  5. I wish I could extend a hand out to you for comfort, I know how those ruts can be. Your niece is absolutely adorable, and I hope things get better with the fertility home development


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s