The Worst

The worst happened. I always feared it would happen, but I didn’t really think it would. Augie fell down our stairs.

He’s OK.

How he is OK, I have no idea because he fell headfirst down 15 hardwood stairs. He didn’t slide down, he bounced down each and every stair. It’s actually very hard to even write that because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Sick to my stomach doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I got there in time to watch him fall and I raced after him hoping that he would lose momentum and stop falling. Of course that did’t happen and I could only scoop up his tiny body when he got to the end. My poor baby.

He cried immediately and then stopped after about 10 seconds of cuddles. He seemed like his old self (though the doctor later told me that he was probably in shock). AJ had raced down the stairs after me and I just said put him in the car, we are going to the hospital.

We are lucky that we live less than 5 kms from the Royal Children’s Hospital. It was a Saturday night and traffic was pretty good so we got there within about 15 minutes of his fall. I sang to him in the car and he laughed in the same places he always laughed and he was saying “ba ba ba” which was what he’d been saying to me all day. He seemed great, but I was actually more worried about deeper injuries that might not be immediately visible.

AJ dropped us off at emergency and went to park the car. When I took him out of his car seat I literally gasped when I saw the lumps that had already come up on his head. I went straight inside the hospital and told them what happened. Within a few minutes we were assessed by a nurse and then taken to a bed to be seen by a doctor.

I couldn’t believe how quiet it was in the hospital. There was only one other family in the waiting room! I later learned that we actually didn’t even make it to the waiting room and were triaged to see a doctor immediately. Later that night I walked past the actual waiting room that was full to the brim.

In our room, a young doctor performed a lot of tests on him, mostly to do with cognitive/head injury. They didn’t do x-rays or other scans because he was simply too young. Their main concern was bleeding on the brain so they continued to check his vital signs every hour until we were past the 6 hour mark, which is then considered fairly safe.

Augie was amazing and didn’t cry or get upset at all. He loved the attention from all the doctors and nurses and all the gadgets they had to perform tests on him. They gave me a cot for him and he slept a little bit, but woke every 20 minutes whimpering and needing cuddles. AJ had to go home once we knew Augie was ok. All 3 of us had a bad case of gastro and AJ was still in the thick of it. He was so sick that he went home and passed out on the bathroom floor. What a fucking night.

They let us go home at 2.00 am after they were confident he was ok. He was so tired and slept until 1.00 pm the next day… despite the fact I poked and prodded him all night to make sure he was ok.

All the doctors and nurses couldn’t quite believe that Augie was ok after such a terrible fall. Well, they couldn’t quite believe a baby had even suffered such a fall. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t have DHS out investigating us for being negligent parents. Some people I have told have acted like it’s no big deal. I mentioned that to AJ and said how surprised I was by this and he said those people are just being nice and trying not to make you feel bad. Probably true.

It is hard to explain how it happened. I really don’t know what I was thinking to have spaced out and let him get near the stairs. Or why I didn’t have a stair gate on. I always watch him. In fact, I normally sit with him. That night he had woken up because he’s teething and I got him out of bed for a cuddle. I didn’t even think he could crawl that far. I guess I was wrong. I can’t talk much more about it because it’s too hard to put myself back in that place and remember what happened.

For what it’s worth, AJ and I were both in the room when it happened. We were equally to blame and both feel horrible. In one sense I think we are both relieved that we are both to blame, I’m not sure how we could have forgiven each other if just one of us was to blame.

I’ll never forgive myself. I’m trying not to indulge too much in the guilt and instead focus on being so, so, so grateful that my baby is ok. Grateful is an understatement. When I saw him fall I honestly did not think he would be ok. I feel like the luckiest person alive to have a healthy baby.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that it’s now impossible to trust myself. How did I let this happen and what could happen next? I thought I was a vigilant parent. Obviously not. I don’t know what else I could do to put him in danger. The fear is keeping me up at night.

It goes without saying that we are now going to move house. We have two sets of stairs in our house and they make me feel sick to look at them. I am desperately searching the real estate websites for a rental. Most places in our budget are either tiny apartments or (double storey) townhouses. That’s not going to work. So what to do? I’m not sure yet, but I want to find a solution as soon as possible. I’ll be so sad to leave our place after less than a year, but I just want a house that is safe for Augie and a fresh start.

This is where It happened. As you can see we now have a stair gate up, but it’s still not safe because my bloody skirt got caught while I was taking him downstairs. I fucking hate stairs!

We now also have a cage playpen. Even when I know the stair gates are closed I still can’t shake my fears and poor Augie is locked up. Luckily he loves it in there with his toys (for now).


7 Months Old

I’m doing this update on my phone because I never get a chance to get in front of the computer, so apologies if all the photos come out massive and weird! Anyone who actually reads these super long baby updates is doing a good job! 😘

Age: Augie is 7 months old now and has just been a bloody delight this month. He loves playing, singing, clapping hands and especially loves playing “where is Augie” when we put a blanket or pillow on him and say “where’s Augie” and then he pokes his head out. It is just so cute.

He also loves grabbing our faces (ouch) or stroking them while he has his bottle. He is always reaching out to feel you when you’re holding him or sitting behind him. I hope he’s going to stay a cuddly little boy. Well at least toward his mama.

He loves to shake his head “no” (but he doesn’t know what it means, he just thinks it’s fun). And he is such a wriggler now. It can be super hard to get his nappy on at the end of the day when he’s overtired and super wiggly.

He isn’t really crawling yet, but he does push ups, planks and downward dog all the time. He can move about pretty quick on his tummy, but hasn’t mastered proper crawling yet. He can still get from one side of the room to the other pretty quick. I better get some stair gates ASAP!

He had his 6 month vaccinations and did really well with them. He only cries for a second from the shock and then gets over it. We’ve had a break from teething symptoms this month too. He’s just been such a happy little boy.

Feeding: We are still working on solids, but he is doing pretty good now. We feed him solids twice a day and he tends to prefer the fruits and isn’t so keen on vegetables. I feel ya buddy! His favourite thing is to suck on meat, sorry for that gross visual. I’m not loving how messy this stage is… the food gets everywhere. I really need to bath him after each meal, but obviously I couldn’t be fucked doing that!

We are still doing 5 bottles a day, I’d like to cut that back to 4 bottles and increase his solids, but that will take time. Hopefully we’ll get there this month.

Sleeping routine:So last month was a nightmare and this month has been the complete opposite. As soon as he got out of leap 5 and hit 6 months, he just started sleeping like an angel.

He’s having a quick 30 minute nap at 9.00 am, then a longer 1.5 hour nap at about 11.30 am and then another 30 minute nap at about 3.30 pm. Then he goes to bed at 6.30 pm and sleeps solidly until 7.00 – 7.30 pm. Yay Augie!!!

The best thing for us was him learning to link sleep cycles and have a longer day nap. He has pretty much always only had 30 minute catnaps during the day so I’m loving that he’s having a long sleep and I can get shit done during the day.

In hindsight, I think that I wasn’t giving him the opportunity to self settle himself back to sleep. As soon as I heard him wake up and start playing in his cot I would think, oh he’s wide awake, he’s not going to get back to sleep so I better get him up. Then one day I heard him wake up on the baby monitor and I was busy (having a beer to be honest ha ha) so I let him play in the cot for 10 minutes because he’s really happy in there, then suddenly I looked at the monitor and he had gone back to sleep. Well there you go. Maybe I should have been doing that from that start! Now he just sleeps through and doesn’t even wake up.

Firsts: Augie had his first proper swim in a pool this month and he loved it! We took him swimming in the hotel pool on a little holiday we had this month. Then also to a pool in Sydney while his cousin had her swimming lessons. I was quite scared that he’d spew because he is still spitting up milk a bit. Lucky for us we had the hotel pool all to ourselves both days and he did have a little spit up once so we just splashed it away. Eeeek. I was so worried about grossing out the other guests who were trying to enjoy their break!

He loved swimming so much that I feel bad that I don’t take him more often. I signed him up for swimming lessons, but I cancelled before we even started because they were right when he has his morning nap. It’s a 30 minute walk to the pool and I could just see that he’d fall asleep in the pram on the way and then wouldn’t have his proper morning sleep. He’s just fallen into such a great sleep routine that I couldn’t bear to break it. So I think we’ll just take him to the pool casually for playing and start proper lessons next term.

Achievements: Self-settling. Woo hoo! I’m not sure if it just took Augie reaching 6 months and finding his groove or if I needed to give him more time to figure it out, but he suddenly can self-settle. I used to always need to rock him to sleep for every single nap and sometimes in took ages. My back was killing me!!!! At the start of this month he just started arching his back and basically saying “fuck off mum” when I was rocking him to sleep so I put him in his cot and he just rolled onto his side and hugged his bunny and went to sleep. He will still roll about for 5 or 10 minutes sometimes, but he’s not upset, just settling down. So he’ll pretty much always put himself to sleep now. This is the best!

Things we have learned:Going on holidays with a baby is an interesting experience… Before I went back to work, we road tripped along the coast from Melbourne to Sydney to visit my family. We stopped for a few days in Eden and Mollymook to relax by the beach and eat lots of fish and chips. What I didn’t think about though was what we would do when Augie went to sleep at 6.30 pm. I booked normal hotel rooms with portacots, so he was in the room with us when he went to sleep, which meant that we had to sit in a dark and quiet room all night. Next time I would try and book a hotel with a seperate lounge/kitchen area so that we can put Augie to sleep in the bedroom and still be able to enjoy our evening. Don’t get me wrong, we still had a few beers and ate take out after he went to sleep… we just did it very, very quietly and in a pretty dark room. Also, having a kitchen would have been very handy to wash and sterilise his bottles and prepare his food. I did not think that through very well.

But, we still had an amazing family getaway. I really look forward to more family beach holidays as Augie grows up. I also look forward to him being able to stay awake past 6.30 pm and eat in restaurants with us!!!

Appearance: He’s got more blonde hair coming through and his eyes are blue, but moving toward a bluey/grey colour like his dad. He’s always got a scratch on his face because I can’t control his little claws. Why is cutting a baby’s nails so hard???

Mummy update: Its been a weird month for me going back to work. It’s going to take me a while to adjust to leaving him all day and also to my new role at work. Because I’m only part time, it’s really quite limited what I can do at work and so I’ve had to take a major backseat. I’ve gone from managing the full digital program to just doing website admin. I can’t say that I am loving this new role because I now realise that I thrive in management positions and taking responsibility. I have to bite my tongue a lot!!! I guess this is why so many parents have trouble with balance. I can’t take on more responsibility at work, but then also be able to leave at 5.00 pm and work part time. It doesn’t work like that at my company anyway. So I end up feeling a bit useless at work and I also feel less needed at home too (pity party!). I still think I’ve made the right decision to go back to work, I just need to give it some more time to settle into this new role.

Work It Baby

Leaving for my first day back at work

Well I went back to work last week. I’ll just be doing two days a week to start with and I might do an extra day from home. Oh my god, it was sooooo hard. Even harder than I had anticipated.

The night before I pretty much didn’t sleep at all. I was still awake at 4.30 am and I had to get up at 6.30 am. I just felt so sad to be leaving him for a full day. I couldn’t stop thinking about all the day to day things that I would miss out on. I actually got weepy when I was showing AJ where his food bibs were and I pulled out a new one that I hadn’t used on Augie yet: “Oh, here’s a bib for tomorrow… I haven’t seen him in this one”. Sob. I don’t think I have cried once since becoming a Mum, I’m not much of a crier, so that shows you how hard this was for me.

I knew he would be perfectly fine because he was going to be with his dad. It just felt like the end of our happy little baby bubble and going back to the real world. I think I also felt like I wasn’t needed anymore. I can just leave for the day and he doesn’t need his mum (more sobbing).

Once I got to work I was OK. It was weird to be back in the office and I felt like I was living my old life pre-Augie. It was like being in a bizarro world. Unfortunately a lot has changed at work since I was there and barely anyone I used to work with is there anymore. It was like starting a whole new job. I really wish there were a few more familiar faces around.

I also felt like I wasn’t much use at work either. I have no idea what is going on anymore and the new team have there own groove, so I felt like I was in the way. There isn’t even space for me to sit with my team so I have been put around the corner on my own with all these empty desks and construction in a corridor where people walk through. Super depressing.

The hardest part is trying to get home in time to see Augie before he goes to bed. I only just make it in time to give him his bottle and put him to bed. I’m lucky if I get 10 minutes with him. That really isn’t OK with me.

I’ll just take it one day at a time and see how things unfold over the next few months. I’m sure it’ll get easier.

Back to the Grind

After quite a bit of back and forth, I finally had it confirmed today that I am going back to work 2 days a week in a couple of weeks. I wasn’t due to go back until mid-June, but I decided to go back earlier because I thought it would be a good balance for my family. I also thought it would be nice to wear fancy (clean!) clothes, put on make up and speak to people who can converse back to me. I won’t know myself!

Our family has had a bit of a shake up this year already with AJ quitting his job to run a business from home. He has a lot of flexibility with his hours and so it made sense that I would go back to work a couple of days to supplement our income and give us a bit of breathing space financially. It’s tough being on one salary!

More than the financial reasons though, I thought it would be good for all of us to share care of Augie. I am currently the primary carer of Augie, and with no family around to help, it’s just me and him pretty much all of the time. I worry that this isn’t good for me or Augie and we’ll both end up getting too attached to each other. I think that it’s important to be able to leave him and not worry that he’ll be anxious without me. Obviously I want him to need his mama, but I want him to be a confident little boy who enjoys spending time with other people (as long as I am his favourite of course).

I do feel lucky that I can do this and not have to worry about childcare. I don’t think I would be quite ready to put Augie in childcare just yet (I am too much of a clinger for that, but my niece was in childcare from this age and absolutely thrived). I have complete confidence in AJ to look after Augie all day. Granted, he has never really done it… but that’s because I hover constantly and take over. Which is another major reason I thought it would be good for me to go back to work and give AJ and Augie the opportunity to spend more one-on-one time together. AJ isn’t quite as strict with routine as I am… but I’m sure they’ll have a good time without the fun police.

I often leave Augie with AJ for a couple of hours at a time to get my nails done, hair appointments, shopping or dinner with friends. But, I have never actually been away from him for a full day and I have no idea how I’ll feel about it. Actually, that is a lie. I do know how I’ll feel about it… totally heartbroken. I will need to leave the house by about 7.15 am, which is exactly when he wakes up and then I won’t get home until about 6.15 pm, which is exactly when he goes to bed. We can’t really keep him awake any longer because he is just so over-tired and just done by that time of day.

I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope being gone all day and not getting cuddles and kisses and smiles. AJ said he can bring him into work to visit me at lunch times, but it’s across the other side of town and I don’t want them being stuck in city traffic when they could be out having fun. I mean, how am I going to leave this little face for 2 days a week? Sob.

Despite my little freak out, I do think it will be the absolute best thing for everyone and we’ll all settle into the new routine nicely. I’ll just need a few extra stiff drinks during the week to get me through.


6 Months Old


What a crazy month this has been. I need to break these updates up a bit, this is a looong post with way too many photos.

In big news for our family, AJ quit his job and is now running his own business from home. He has been running a small digital business on the side for the past 2 years and it got to the point where he couldn’t do both jobs and be a father. He has already missed out on a lot because he is always working and I feel like a solo parent a lot of the time. We are both beyond exhausted. So he decided to quit his very good, secure, well-paying job (eeeeeek) and build up his business. I am so happy to have him around more to help. It just feels like a massive weight has been lifted. He can work any time, so it means we can do family things during the day and he can work in the evening. It has got off to a rocky start though because he has been incredibly busy catching up on months worth of work over the past few weeks and has been working 18 hour days, but that won’t be forever.


It also looks like I am going to go back to work part time soon. I wasn’t due to go back until June, but I have capacity now that AJ will be home to look after Augie and they need the extra pair of hands. Plus we could do with the money now that we don’t have AJ’s salary. It was always our plan that we would try and share care of Augie and both work part time so that we have a really good balance. I have mixed feelings about going back to work… I don’t know what else to say for now. Let’s see what happens.

Age: Holy shit. I have a 6 month old baby. It is just doing my head in that he is so big now. I think I thought I would have everything under control by the time he was 6 months old… nope… still got no idea. I had a minor freak out that I should have the perfect baby routine by now because he’s 6 months old and not a newborn. That he should be able to self-settle (the Holy Grail) and link his sleep cycles during the day. We had his 6 month appointment with the child and maternal health nurse and she made me feel much better about everything. I felt like I was the only mum who didn’t have a perfectly sleeping baby and she reassured me that he is completely normal. Phew.

For almost the entire month Augie was in leap 5… and it kicked our arses. This month all the good sleeping routine and my chilled out baby went out the window. I think that teething also contributed and all the travel we did over Christmas and being away from home. It was a tough month.

Feeding: It was hit and miss this month. Some days he was on a feeding strike and then he would guzzle all the milk. On average, he is drinking about 750-800 mls of formula a day though.

Over Christmas I decided to totally stop breast feeding. I had been still giving him one feed a day in the morning, but he was growing increasingly frustrated with my lack of supply and it just felt like the right time. I did it while I was staying with family and there was lots going on so that I wouldn’t have time to get too sad about it.

We only just started solids right before he turned 6 months. I know that the trend in mums these days is to start from 4 months, but I dragged my feet on this one a little bit. I just felt a bit overwhelmed and didn’t know how to do it and I also get a bit sad about my little baby growing up. Not to mention all the extra work and mess. Who needs it, right? Anyway, he’s really not interested in food so far. I think he still needs to learn the concept of eating and then we’ll be fine. Oh, and of course starting Augie on solids wasn’t as scary as I made it out to be in me head. I worried over nothing. Story of my life!

Sleeping routine: Oh my god. Who took away my easy sleeping baby??? Augie has been sleeping through the night since he was about 10 weeks and this month it suddenly stopped. Some days he woke because he needed more milk (because he refused to drink during the day) but most of the time he just wanted to play. He was never upset or crying, just up for a party. Yay…

It was just frustrating because we were staying with my brother and sister-in-law over Christmas and I was really looking forward to some chilled out evenings with many bottles of wine, but Augie made that difficult. Oh well, I never mind him being awake as long as he isn’t crying, I can’t take the crying, it breaks my heart.

So we ended up co-sleeping with Augie for the first time ever. It was the only way he would settle down and stop rolling around his cot and sleep. I actually found it quite nice. It’s fun to wake up to little hands on your face and a big smile in the morning. AJ was really stressed about it though and he slept on the floor because he was worried about rolling on top of Augie. Fair enough too, he is a very heavy sleeper and I have been known to cop one of his elbows in the eye during the night, so we couldn’t risk it happening to Augie.

Day sleeps have also been hard work. They have never been that easy with Augie, but this month they were even harder. It would take me so long to get him to sleep and then 25 minutes later he is wide awake again. It has been pretty exhausting to be honest. I have also been working to drop his last nap of the day, taking him from 4 sleeps a day to 3 sleeps. He is always so over-tired by the end of the day, that it’s too much work to actually get him to sleep and then it delays his bed time until 8.00 pm. Instead we are skipping that last nap and putting him to bed around 6.30 pm. Those last 2 hours of the day are bloody hard work with him though… he is so hyped up and over-tired. That’s when I get his dad to take over and be super fun dad!


  • First Christmas! We drove to AJ’s mum’s on the 23rd and stayed the night, then drove to Albury (which is half way from AJ’s mum’s to Sydney) and stayed in a hotel on the 24th and then on Christmas day we drove to Sydney to visit my brother, sister-in-law and niece. My dad and step mum also came to Sydney and we had a lovely family Christmas. We didn’t get there until the late afternoon, but my sister-in-law cooked a wonderful dinner and we unwrapped presents and had a great night. We stayed with them for almost a week and I was actually really sad to leave. It was so nice getting to spend time with my niece and seeing her and Augie interact. It’s hard having your family live so far away.
  • Augie’s first interstate trip to NSW (Sydney).
  • We are rolling! Well he had been rolling previously, but it was more of a one-off. Now he does it ALL OF THE TIME. In fact, this has been another sleep barrier, because why sleep when you can roll around your cot? He is really on the move now. I constantly look over to him on the floor and say “how did you get over there?”.
  • He had his first swim in the paddle pool at my brother’s house. It was really no different to being in the bath, except it was outside. He seemed to have fun.
  • We took him to the beach for the first time. We went to Torquay for a friend’s birthday. The poor little boy was just miserable from teething, but he was a trooper and did really well. We dipped his feet in the water, but didn’t want to take him in because he was not feeling well at all.
  • We bought him a play jumper thing because he bloody loves standing up. I try to put him on the floor and he locks his legs and wants to stand, so now he can stand in his jumper and play. He loves it.
  • His new trick is sitting. One day I just noticed he was steady and could totally sit on his own now. He can still have a fall after a while… which isn’t great on the hardwood floors. We bought a mat for the floor, but it still gives him a fright when he face plants.


  • He is suddenly really engaged with playing with actual toys. He has always played with his play gym, but now you can give him a toy and he pushes the buttons and picks up things, laughs at the music and just has an absolute ball.


Achievements: I think 15 hours in the car, across 3 days, staying in 3 new places was a big enough achievement. Plus a 10 hour drive home in one day. Augie handled it wonderfully. On the trip back from Sydney he slept all the way from Gundagai to home (4 and a half hours). It was kind of annoying though because we wanted to stop for Maccas, but we were too scared to stop or even go through the drive through window for fear of waking him up. Give us some warning next time Augie, we were starving!

Things we have learned: My mantra this month has been “this too shall pass”. It has been a tough month, but I have already learned that every bad phase passes. In the moment it feels dark and like it will never end, but it always does.

Appearance: Well he is still bloody cute! He is so chubby and delicious… so edible (actually I was pretending to eat his hand the other day and accidentally bit his finger and made him cry. Whoops).

He is 8.5 kilos and 67.5 cm… which makes him average for length and a bit above average for weight. We have no concerns about that of course because he is strong and healthy and perfect.

He is starting to get more hair. Go Augie! It looks completely blonde in some light and dark brown in other light. It’s so weird… I think it’ll keep getting darker. Though I had  blonde hair when I was little, so who knows!


Me as a toddler

His eyes are still slate blue, with tinges of hazel coming through. They change a lot and I have noticed they go pale blue when he isn’t feeling well.

Still no teeth, but I can feel some rough patches where the teeth are trying to poke through. The poor little guy has had some tough days with sore gums, but nothing some panadol and lots of mum cuddles can’t fix.

Mummy update: Well I ate like a mad person over Christmas. I fell into some really bad habits and ate worse than I have in years. I think all the stress from Christmas, the travel and Augie being out of sorts just got to me. My anxiety really played up over Christmas, which is normal for me and I comfort ate… which is also normal for me. I was still pretty disappointed in myself for how I handled things, but I am on top of it now and feeling much better.

I am still doing the 16/8 diet and normally eating between 1.00 pm and 9.00 pm and fasting the rest of the time. When I do eat, I am mostly eating veggies, lean meat and legumes and staying away from carbs and snacks as much as possible. I didn’t weigh myself this month because I didn’t want to see the damage from Christmas…

Oh and can I just say one more thing. My god, my back is killing me. I have a sharp pain shooting up on my left side (where I hold Augie) and it is getting quite debilitating. I have started seeing a physio, but so far it hasn’t helped much. I think it just comes with being a (fat and unfit) mum maybe?!


So my blog friend at Baby wanted! An IVF journey tagged me in a get to know you quiz and I thought it would be fun to have something to say that wasn’t about the baby. Yay!

1. When did you start blogging?

I started on the last day of 2006 on my old blog, which was called the same as this one, but hosted on blogspot. I’ve blogged pretty consistently since then, except for a 1 year break after my mum passed away and I was just trying to make it through each day. When I came back to blogging I created a new blog over here on WordPress because I needed a fresh start.

2. Why did you start your blog?

I’d been reading lots of weight loss blogs and drawing a lot of inspiration so I thought it might help me as well. I also wanted a blog so that I could comment on my favourite blogs and join the blogger community.

I’m not sure why I keep blogging, I sure as hell barely comment on any blogs anymore and almost every blogger I used to read has stopped. I guess I must get something from it because I keep doing it, even though I do feel silly sometimes. Plus there is nothing better than getting a comment or email from someone who can relate to what you are going through, or has some good advice or offers some much needed support.

3. What do you do for your day job?

Currently I am a stay at home mum, but normally I am a Digital Marketer for a large home building company. I do things like the website, social media, online ads and video content. It’s a good job, but its hard to enjoy it because it tends to be too crazy busy. I’m hoping to change my approach to work when I go back after my maternity leave. Famous last words…

4. Where are you located (city, country)?

I live in an inner city suburb of Melbourne in Australia. I keep wanting to mix things up and move to another state, but Melbourne is just such a bloody awesome place to live that it is hard to leave.

5. What has been your biggest regret in your life? 

I really don’t have many regrets, I see my mistakes as great lessons and they have shaped me as a person. If I was going to say anything, I’m going to be heavy and say that I regret the way I handled caring for my mum as she died. I think I could have been more assertive with some healthcare professionals and I also (in hindsight) could have managed her comfort and pain better. I looked after her at home on my own and I didn’t know what I was doing and I wish I could have made her more comfortable in her final days. It haunts me a lot thinking about what she went through.

6. What has been your greatest achievement? 

I don’t have a single great achievement. I would say that my biggest achievement was just finally creating a life that I love. In my early twenties I was in a very bad place (if you read my old blog you would see that). I hated myself, I was scared of life and I was about ready to just crawl up in bed and eat myself to death. Instead I went back to uni and got another degree, got myself a good job, lost 50 kilos, got my drivers licence, started travelling and slowly built up my confidence. It’s not a perfect life, but it’s a good life I think.

7. What advice would you give to your 18 year old self? 

Well I probably wouldn’t have listened, but definitely to have confidence and respect for yourself. That you are worthy and awesome and don’t need to change for anyone else.

Also to travel more, date more and get your damn drivers licence.

Oh and, steer clear of the credit cards for god’s sake!

8. Do you have a special or unusual skill that perhaps people don’t know about ? 

Nope, I really don’t.

9. Where is your favorite city to visit?

Well this is an impossible question to answer because I love so many cities (and there are so many great cities that I have yet to visit). I’ll answer with the city I am yearning to visit today, which is Chicago. I listened to a podcast of an interview with Laurie Metcalf yesterday and she spoke a lot about the Steppenwolf Theatre Company in Chicago and it brought back so many wonderful memories of visiting Chicago and seeing a play at the Steppenwolf in 2015. We had such an amazing time in Chicago and it’s definitely a city that I could happily live in.


10. How do you motivate yourself?

Oh this is a horrible answer, but I recognise that I use self-shame and worrying what people think about me to motivate me a lot. I use it to stop me shoving food in my mouth, to get me exercising, it motivates how I behave at work and socially and I can even see how I am starting to use it as a mum. This needs to change.

11. What do you hope for most in 2018? 

I am really focussing on choosing happiness in 2018. I am trying to build a life that centres on being happy. It sounds simple, but I have found that I often seem to choose worry and sadness over happiness. I know that I will still live with worry and sadness in my life, but I am going to let the happiness shine through more.

5 Months Old

*** I wrote this to publish on the 23rd of December and then forgot in all the rush to pack and leave for the holidays. ***

Age: Augie turned 5 months today on the same day as my 37th birthday. Happy Birthday to us both! I was quite happy he was also born on the 23rd day of the month, it’s a lovely little bond we have between us.

This month has been the beginning of teething. I can’t see any teeth broken through yet, but all the signs are there: loss of appetite, grizzling at bed time, rosy cheeks, biting down on everything hard, rubbing his ears, major drooling and hard to settle. OK, so some of those symptoms are just him being a baby, but the way he chomps down on everything he can get his hands on looks like sore little gums to me. I really hope those teeth come through soon, I can’t handle seeing him so out of sorts.

This last week he’s also been majorly upset in the tummy. I’ll spare you the details, but it has not been fun for either of us. I even took him to see a doctor because I was worried about dehydration in this hot weather. It looks like it’s just gastro, but I am also hearing from some people that their babies had similar side effects when teething. Who knows??? The poor little boy has a nasty nappy rash from the whole situation which just breaks my heart.

We had his 4 month vaccinations earlier in the month. I wasn’t as nervous this time as I was for his first jabs. As much as I hate to see him upset, I knew that he would be OK. The nurses at the clinic I go to are just amazing and make the process so easy. He barely cried and then seemed to forget the whole experience pretty quickly and had no side effects. Quite painless.

Feeding: No change to his feeding routine and I haven’t started solids, even though I know a lot of people do from 4 months. He hasn’t seemed interested and I’m in no hurry to push him toward solid food.

This month it has been a challenge feeding him because he is very distracted and generally off his food. He just pulls away from the bottle or nuzzle his face into my armpit while I am feeding him. Which would be cute if his face wasn’t covered in milk when he does it… ha ha. I guess he’ll feed better when he’s going through his next growth spurt, but right now he obviously doesn’t need it.

Sleeping routine: I’ve been anxiously awaiting the 4 month sleep regression and I am not sure if we have hit it or not. We had a bad week where he just wouldn’t settle for his day sleeps and was subsequently grizzly and upset all day. It was a shocker! Thank god it only lasted a week and it was such a relief to have my happy little boy back.

He has also been more wakeful at night, but not in a major way (except when he has sore gums). He generally still sleeps from about 8.00 pm – 7.00 am, but sometimes I’ll hear him awake cooing and gurgling in the middle of the night and I just give him his dummy or rest my hand on his chest and he’ll go back to sleep. The last week he has struggled more, but it seems to be a side effect of his sore tummy and gums.

There is a lot going on at 4 months with a massive leap in development, vaccinations and teething, so he’s definitely been less settled at night.

Firsts: A lot of firsts this month!

  • He rolled over from back to front (he had previously rolled from front to back). He still doesn’t do either of these regularly and I’m not really encouraging him a lot. He’ll get there when he’s ready.
  • He has started to play with his toys with his feet. He picks them up like they are his hands.
  • His new trick is grabbing your face with his hands. Oh boy that can hurt when his nails are sharp!
  • Another new trick is batting at you with his arm. He can do this for ages while he’s feeding or playing, just hit my face, chest or arm continuously. He seems to enjoy it, weird baby.
  • We moved him out of his bassinet seat in the pram and into the bucket seat. I had been putting this off because I didn’t want to admit my little boy wasn’t a newborn anymore. Sob. I finally admitted defeat and I am glad that I did because he loves sitting up. For some reason the pram seems easier to maneuver and push now too, I’m not sure if that is just in my head?
  • We also moved him from his bassinet into his cot. This involved a major household re-shuffle because his cot wouldn’t fit in our bedroom. So we moved to the spare bedroom (which is bigger), moved the study into his nursery and turned our old room into a play room/spare room. It was a huge bloody job because it involved moving around our whole house across 3 storeys. So, so, so many stairs… Anyway, it’s done and it’s for the best because our bedroom is now on the ground floor and its much cooler and darker here for summer. He seems to love sleeping in the cot, he rolls around and sleeps all over the place.
  • Another first was taking him out of his sleep swaddles and just using a sleeping bag. Now that he is starting to roll about, it’s not safe for him to be swaddled, so we have his arms out. He just loves this because it means he can play with his soft bunny that he loves to rub into his face all night. It’s a big win for me because it seems to really soothe him and he is less reliant on the dummy.
  • Highchair… well we put him in one at a restaurant for about 10 minutes. He seemed ok, but he really needs a bit more time to build up the strength to support that big head of his!
  • Photo with Santa! We went to Myer at Chaddy shopping centre and it was all pretty easy. There were no queues or drama and the ‘elves’ helping out were lovely. Augie just wanted to pull on Santa’s hat and beard, which didn’t impress Santa at all (grumpy bum). I hear it gets harder when they are about 18 months, so we’ll see what happens next year! Anyway, it was a surreal moment to have your little bub photographed with Santa.

Achievements: Well the biggest achievement is that he seems to be significantly less spewy this month. He still spits up, especially if you are burping him, but he doesn’t spew all of the time like he previously did. Oh my god, what a difference it makes! Everything is so much easier without having to worry about him erupting everywhere.

Things we have learned: There are some challenges that come with him losing his newborn ways. He is now more affected by noise, where he would previously sleep through anything. He is also more curious and always wanting to know what is happening around him. This has meant he isn’t sleeping well in the car anymore and ends up getting bored and grizzly. I sit with him in the back doing everything I can to distract him. I suspect that he’ll be better when we can turn his car seat around, but I think it’s illegal before 6 months and recommended you keep it rear facing until 12 months. We are just about to undertake a massive road trip for Christmas (14 hours one way and then 9 hours back)… any tips??? God help us!!!

Appearance: He’s still a deliciously chubby litttle bubby. Everyone is saying that he looks like me now. Honestly, people stop me on the street and say how much he looks like me. I can see some resemblance, but not that much! I think it’s mostly in our round little faces.

He is slowly growing some fine hair, it’s still not exactly a full head of hair, but he’ll get there. His eyes are still mostly blue, but I can still see flecks of change and I think he’ll have the slate grey/green eyes the same as his dad (I hope so!).

Mummy update:

I’ve been really putting the effort into my healthy eating this month. After being shocked at gaining weight last month, I totally cut the crap and toed the line. I’ve been trying to do the 16/8 diet, but it’s a bit hard because I’ll often eat very late if Augie is difficult to get to sleep so I am not perfect. I’ll keep trying though because it suits my lifestyle and, to be honest, skipping breakfast means it’s one less thing I need to do. I just need my body to adjust and stop being so hungry. Luckily we are normally pretty busy in the mornings, so time goes quickly.

Aside from doing the 16/8 diet I am also being very strict with my calories. No more dark chocolate, no more sneaky pasta’s, no more grabbing handfuls of almonds, no more bananas, no more crumpets. I’m back to eating (or not eating) the way I used to in order to lose weight. Man it sucks though ha ha.

I went to my work Christmas party last week and I felt quite shit about myself. I really should have put more effort into my appearance because I felt so frumpy and unattractive next to all the girls who looked so gorgeous and glam. To be honest, I really felt fat, old and boring. I’m not trying to be a sad sack, it’s just how I felt unfortunately. Oh well, that’s up to me to work on. I’m not going to let it bring me down too much, I’m so happy in my new role as mum and that’s the main thing.

Weight update:

Pre-baby weight: 80 kilos (176 lbs)
40 Weeks pregnant weight: 93.3 kilos (205.2 lbs)
Previous weight: 85.7 kilos (188.5 lbs)
Current weight: 83.2 kilos (183 lbs)
Goal weight: 75 kilos (165 lbs)