11 Months Old

Age: Oh my god. I have an 11 month old baby. I would be outraged at how big he is and how quickly time has flown, but I can’t be sad about it because I feel so blessed for every moment with him. Sorry for the mush!

He finished a big development leap about a week ago and I can see his skills increasing on a daily basis! He dances, throws balls to you, reaches when he wants something, plays chasey with me (of sorts!) and tries to do the actions to incy wincy spider. Today he tried to put the lid back on his yoghurt tube.

He isn’t walking on his own yet, he cruises around the house holding onto furniture and walls very well (and getting into every cupboard). I don’t see that he seems inclined to walk independently any time soon and I’m not exactly encouraging it. He’ll get there in his own time.

Feeding:Β He has 3 bottles of formula a day and 3 meals a day. Pretty easy. His favourite foods are mandarins, pears, apples, peas, broccoli, avocado, quinoa, peanut butter sandwiches, hummus and crackers and weetbix. I cannot get him to eat bananas. I thought all kids loved bananas? I’ve tried making banana pancakes, muffins and oats and he won’t touch them. Weird. Maybe I’ll try a banana smoothie this week.

I did suspect he had a dairy allergy at one point so I shifted him to almond milk in his cereal (lucky he didn’t have the allergy because I forgot his formula was cows milk too, whoops). It turns out it wasn’t a food allergy, it’s discoid eczema. The doctor has given me all sorts of steroid creams for him that should clear it up. Thankfully he doesn’t seem itchy or bothered by it. I’ve actually got it too and I’ve mostly grown out of it as an adult.

Sleeping routine:Well, well, well. My perfect sleeping baby has completely disappeared. It’s been a tough month.

When I try to put August to bed he just screams when I leave the room. He’s never been like that before. He has never needed to be rocked to sleep or been clingy to me. It can take me 2-3 hours a night to get him to sleep now. I think he has separation anxiety, apparently it peaks around this age.

The only thing that works is if I put him in bed with me and then transfer him to his cot when he’s asleep or if I lay next to the cot with my hand in there for him to put against his cheek. So many times I have thought he was asleep and try to sneak off and get busted and have to start the process all over again. Normally it’s when I’m hungry and really want dinner.

It’s been a bit of a drainer because by the end of the day I really want some time to myself to relax and it’s hard to get that right now. Plus I feel bad for the little guy who seems so scared if I leave him at night.

He’s also been waking once a night on most nights (he hasn’t done this since he was 10 weeks old). Sometimes he wants a bottle, mostly he just needs a cuddle. This doesn’t bother me too much, I just sit in the rocking chair and cuddle him until he falls asleep.

I can’t seem to get answers on when/if this stage will stop. It shows no sign of ending any time soon. The benefit is how cuddly he is right now. Silver linings!


Clapping- he finally knows how to clap. He used to think that clapping was slapping his hand against mine, now he understands how to clap his own hands together.

Tantrums- he stiffens up and arches his back when I take something off him that he wants (like the iPhone cord, our house plants or the toilet paper). It’s cute right now, I’m sure I won’t always think so!

Talking- he’d been saying Mum, now he also says dad and puppy. Plus he often tries to repeat other words like pop, oops a daisy, no or any other random word he hears. It’s mostly unintelligible, but I can understand him.

Understanding me- he knows what ‘no’ means and how to ignore me. When I’m trying to get him to sleep he picks up his dummy that is attached to his comforter and tries to throw it away (I have no idea why) and when I say ‘no’ he stops, looks at me and then deliberately throws it 5 seconds later and is very pleased with himself. Same when I tell him ‘no’ when he’s touching the fireplace (which I keep switched off during the day for safety). He knows enough to stop, but then can’t help himself and grabs it anyway and thinks it’s a great game. It’s pretty funny.

Achievements: It’s been a long time coming, but Augie has finally stopped being spewy. He’s only spewed a couple of times in the past month and it’s made life so much easier. It was so awkward when someone wanted to hold him or I took him somewhere and I had to worry about him spitting up.

The best part is how much less washing I have now. I was having to wash mine and AJ’s clothes every day (if not more if he spewed on me in the morning). Now I can get more than one wear out of jeans again. Yay!

Things we have learned:We can’t read to Augie before bed anymore. He’s obsessive and just won’t stop. He’ll have mini tantrums if I stop reading. His favourite is Puppy Makes Mischief that my friend (and blogger) Cat bought him. I know all the words by heart now! The book also came with a soft puppy toy and Augie has discovered it and is equally obsessed. He now says “puppy” and when I ask him where puppy is, he crawls over to get him and give him a cuddle. So cute. Thanks for the pressie Cat, he just loves it. πŸ™‚

Appearance: He is still my chubby little blonde boy. He’s getting more hair and it’s growing into a nice little mullet. Good look Augie.

AJ weighed him yesterday and he was about 10.5 kilos. That’s why my back hurts!

We’ve had 4 more teeth spout up this month (no wonder he won’t sleep). So now he has 6 teeth total. The funny thing is that he has popped one big top front tooth, but not the other front tooth, so he looks a little lopsided. Now he’s grown the little tooth next to it, but not the big front one, so he’s got two on one side and none on the other. It’s an interesting look…

Mummy update:Its been a weird month for me after losing my job. I’m feeling a real loss of identity without a career to go back to now. I can see how hard it’s going to be to have a meaningful career and have the time I want with Augie and it’s been a difficult realisation. I guess this is why people say that you can’t have it all.

It was also weird that it happened so soon after moving away from the city. I felt a bit isolated being away from all my friends and then losing my job on top of it made me feel so disconnected.

So I have thrown myself into this mummying gig. I’ve joined a local playgroup, been going to baby time at the library and I even finally joined Facebook (which I hate) just so I can join the local online Mum groups- which actually seem to be pretty annoying. But I am going to go to a few catch ups and see if I can connect to other mums. I also even had a coffee date with a Mum I met in the playground. Whoa. It’s been a big month for an introvert like me!



I’m feeling super flat this week. I was made redundant from my job on Tuesday. Yep, again.

I was totally blindsided, I had no idea it was coming. I don’t work Tuesdays, but I had just spent all of Augie’s morning nap doing work anyway. My new boss called and so I immediately knew something was wrong because she’s never called me. Funnily enough, I felt so secure in my job that I thought someone else must have been fired or quit and they were just filling me in. Ha ha.

Nope. My boss very coldly read off the script she was given telling me I no longer held a position there and that I needed to bring my laptop and swipe card back. The whole thing took about 5 minutes and that was that. I haven’t heard anything more from them. It feels so weird that I’m just never going back to work.

Pretty much my whole team was made redundant because they are decentralising the department. Meaning that instead of one national marketing team, they will have localised marketing in each state.

Last time I was made redundant it felt completely different. I saw it coming so it wasn’t such a shock and I hated my job so it was essentially a good thing (even though I was pissed off at the time). Last time I took it quite personally because I was the only one made redundant. So I was a bit bitter about the whole situation, but hopeful that I’d end up happier.

This time I don’t feel embarrassed because I know it wasn’t personal. But, I just feel gutted to have lost my job for so many reasons. Mostly because this is the first job I have ever had that I liked. I loved the projects I was working on at the moment. Since I came back from maternity leave I somehow managed to hold onto the good parts of my job and let go of the parts I hated. I would actually do it for free, that’s how much I love it.

I also feel like it’s unlikely that I’m going to be able to find meaningful employment part time. I’m not ready to go back full time yet because I’m loving the time at home with Augie. I want that (elusive) balance of family and career and, for me, that means only working part time. I don’t want to just take any crappy job because if I’m going to be away from Augie, it needs to be worth it. But, part time jobs are hard to find. Good ones anyway. What happens if I can’t find work and the career that I have been working to build for years just dissolves???

Plus, I just feel exhausted at the idea of doing my resume, going to job interviews, learning a new job and bonding with new colleagues. I seriously can’t be fucked. I don’t have the energy for it right now.

Look, as down as I’m feeling about this situation, I know this isn’t a real problem. My loved ones are all healthy and I have a roof over my head. So while I’m having a little pity party, I know that things could be worse. Plus, this gives me more time to read books in my pjs with this little guy. So I’m ok.

10 Months Old

Age: My little bubby is 10 months and has had so many changes this month. He is feeling more and more like a toddler. He walks around everywhere (holding onto the furniture) and is very steady now. He gets upset if I take something away from him. He wants to get into everything… especially my handbag, his nappy wipes, the toilet paper, the kitchen cupboards, our plants, our shoes and our phones. Changing his nappy is an Olympic event for me and trying to clean his face is a constant battle. He loves baths, songs, books, playing with the footy, climbing the clothes drying rack, watching the washing machine and his dad (his face just lights up when he sees him). He just seems like he understands so much more now too. Being his mum is a lot of fun and just a constant joy.

One great thing about moving was that I unpacked the house being mindful of what Augie can get into, so it’s pretty child proof. I can relax and make myself a cup of tea around the corner in the kitchen and not be too worried about what sort of mischief he is making.

Unfortunately our new house has a set of stairs, so I can’t relax completely, but they are easy to block off with stair gates this time and also carpeted. Augie can climb all the way to the top on his own (under careful supervision). I’d prefer not to have stairs at all, but it was just so hard to find a house in our budget without them as we are in a townhouse not a proper house. The whole layout of this new place is a thousand times easier to manage than our last house. We just love it here so far! Oh and I can see the ocean from my bed so I feel pretty lucky.

Feeding: The little guy is enjoying food more and more every day. He normally has a weetbix or oats for breakfast and then a sandwich, quinoa, avocado, spaghetti, lamb chops, chicken, veggies or whatever I can scrape together for lunch and dinner. Plus plenty of fruit (pears are his favourite). He also has 3 bottles a day (one before each sleep), but he often does not drink much. I offer him 180 mls, but he rarely drinks it all.

Sleeping routine: He is still mostly sleeping well. He’s had some trouble getting to sleep and needing lots of extra cuddles, which is no big sacrifice for me (except when I really want to a glass of wine). Normally at bedtime he arches his back and basically says, fuck off now Mum, I’m ready to go in the cot. So I have enjoyed my baby wanting extra snuggles. Once he gets to sleep, he’s still mostly sleeping through the night. So I can’t complain.

He still has 2 naps a day, the first at about 9.30 am and the second at about 1.30 pm and they both last between 1-2 hours. Then bed at 6.30 pm and he sleeps until about 7-7.30 am (if everything goes to plan).


– First intentional word and it was “Mum”. Yay!!! I think he’s also starting to say “Dad” and he’ll mimic words I say to him sometimes, but it’s normally a one-off and it’s more like making sounds than saying words!

– First night in his own room! After we moved house we had enough space for Augie to have his own room. He wasn’t bothered at all and didn’t notice the change, but AJ and I were a bit sad. On the first night we both went to bed and neither of us had mentioned we felt weird about it, then suddenly AJ says “do you want to go sleep in Augie’s room?” And we both slept on the floor in his room. We could only do that for one night though because we are way too old to sleep on the floor. Ouch!

– He gives proper kisses now. I say, give me a kiss and he sucks on your lips. It’s so cute (and wet).

Achievements: Moving house in less than a week with a baby and a home business on our own. Well actually, my dad took a sickie from work one day to come over and watch Augie so I could pack and him and my step Mum also came down on moving day to take Augie out of the chaos. It was a mammoth effort and not something I want to do again soon.

Things we have learned: Take snacks with you everywhere, it’s the best way to keep him occupied!

Appearance: A chubby blonde haired and blue eyed little cherub. He still only has his two bottom teeth and boy are they sharp little fuckers.

Mummy update: It was my first Mother’s Day earlier this month and we didn’t really do anything because we moved house the day before and that was where 100% of our focus was instead. I don’t care much about that sort of thing and it’s a mixed day for me thinking of the loss of my own Mum and how much I’d like to have her here with me, especially now I’m a Mum.

Something strange happened though, I was texting with my mothers group and the girls started talking about their plans for Mother’s Day. It seemed like they were being spoiled with some amazing plans by their husbands and families. The first thought that popped into my head was ‘well they breastfed their babies so they deserve to be spoiled’. What the hell?! I had no idea that I even thought that way. I had no idea that I thought less of myself as a mother because I wasn’t able to breastfeed. So that’s a strange one to process and I’m not sure how I feel about it now.

Fresh Start

We up and moved house last weekend! It happened really quick in the end. We got a new place (rental), put ours up for rent and moved within a week. It had to happen quickly because we couldn’t afford to pay a mortgage on our house and rent on the new place for very long. More than that, we just couldn’t live in chaos with a baby and a home business. So we started packing Wednesday and movers came at 8.00 am Saturday morning. Holy crap it was a tough week.

To be honest, the worst part was that Augie and AJ both had colds. Poor Augie was struggling to eat/drink/sleep because he was so congested. Plus AJ had 3 new clients that week for his business. Then I got the cold from Augie and AJ. It was one of those hellish weeks that you know you’ll remember for a long time.

But, it was all worth it because we love our new house! It’s big enough for a large kitchen table so we can eat dinner as a family. It has a bath, a yard, a laundry and a linen closet. All things I didn’t have before. It makes life with a baby so much easier! And as you can see below, Augie loves it!

We moved from the very busy (and hip) inner city suburb of Brunswick all the way to the coastal town of Torquay. Talk about a change of pace! We are only a 5 minute walk to the beach and so close to all the nice cafes and shops in town. I love it. So far it feels like being on holidays all the time.

If you know the area you might wonder how the hell I’m going to get to work. Well I’m sitting on the train as I type this… AJ works from home and I only work 2 days a week so it made sense to move away from the city. I’m just going to commute into the city on those days. My work has an office in Geelong (the closest regional centre) and I may be able to work one of my days out of there, which would be really easy. If it all gets too hard I will just quit my job and find something locally or stay home with Augie full time.

The hardest bit for me is that the days I work I probably won’t see Augie at all. Today is the first day that I’m doing the full commute. I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt so anxious about it. On Monday night when AJ was putting Augie to bed and I was still on the train, he showed him a photo of me and he smiled and said “mama!”. I’m just going to miss him so fucking much. God he is just such a ray on sunshine every day. I hate being away from him.

At least I know that I can leave my job if it gets too much. I’m lucky in that I don’t need to work (that sounds really annoying, we aren’t rich, we are just trying to live with less). I do want to keep working so that I don’t lose the career that I’ve built. Plus my job is pretty cool right now. It’s the first time ever that I could say that I like my job.

But, I think it’s all going to be worth it when I can take Augie to the beach every day.

9 Months Old

I was at work when Augie turned 9 months today so I asked AJ to take the milestone photo and this is what he took…

Age: 9 months old. Which means he has now been around in the world for as long as he was in my tummy. As much as time has gone quickly, it also feels like forever because I can barely remember life without him. Oh actually, I do remember all those fun nights out and weekend sleep ins… ha ha.

I feel like we have a new baby this month. After he finished his last development leap he is just so much more aware. I feel like he understands games and even my tone of voice and routine. He loves playing peekaboo and books with peekaboo boxes he can lift. He mimics sounds I make and the other day he was mimicking me when I said dada. He has said mama and baba as babbles, but tis seemed intentional. He loves waving hello and waves hi and bye to my dad and step mum on facetime.

Physically he is just into bloody everything. I honestly can’t even take my eyes off him to send a text message. He learned to stand just a day before we went on holidays to a beach house and I was a nervous wreck the entire holiday as he crawled around and tried to pull himself up on all the side tables, ottomans, coffees tables… basically any flimsy thing he could find that wasn’t bolted to the ground. The deck outside had 3 large stadium style steps and he learned to crawl up them as well. Let’s just say that it wasn’t as relaxing a holiday as I had hoped!

Feeding: Augie has finally got the hang of this eating business. I managed to shift from 5 bottles to just 3 bottles a day of 210 mls (which he doesn’t really drink all of) and 3 meals. I gave him some of those Rafferty’s Garden pouches and yoghurt pouches and he just loves them. They are 100% natural, no added crap and so easy because he holds them himself and will feed himself quite neatly (no mess yay!). He enjoyed them so much that I think he ended up eating too much and his body struggled to process the sudden arrival of all this food. So we’ve been dealing with a lack of dirty nappies… to put it delicately. Mashed pear normally helps, but even that wouldn’t work and Coloxyl didn’t help either. I ended up trying prune juice and that seems to do the trick. It was quite awful to see the little guy crying and struggling and uncomfortable. So I’ve backed off on the pouches and focussing on finger food (which he eats a bit of, but throws a lot on the floor) and milk again. We’ll build up more slowly this time.

Sleeping routine: No change here from last month: 10.00 -11.30 am, 2.00 – 3.00 pm, 6.30 pm – 7.00 am. It’s not always exactly to those times, but pretty close. It makes life so much easier when you can plan around his sleep times. He did struggle with sleeping during our holiday this month and I’m not sure if it was the leap he was in or if it was just the travel and being somewhere unfamiliar. It’s a bloody pain when you’re trying to relax on holidays and the little munchkin wakes at 8.30 pm wanting playtime and cuddles, just when I was wanting wine time.

Firsts: Last month he could crawl, but he preferred to commando crawl. Now he crawls properly all of the time and by god is he fast! The big news is that he can now also pull himself up into standing position. It blows my mind to watch him. He crawls across the room, pulls himself up on his shelves, gets a book, lays on the floor and turns the pages. Just wow. OK, I know all babies do this, he’s not special, it’s just amazing to watch you own baby learn these new skills. With this new skill comes many more bumps to the head. He falls/bangs his head on something quite hard on a daily basis now. Oh my nerves.

Achievements: Well these are not really achievements, just key milestones for the month.

– His dad’s birthday! We drove to a brew pub for lunch and then ate cakes in the park. A beautiful day.

– Easter! The Easter bunny came for Augie (but unfortunately I had to eat his egg). My dad and step Mum cane over for Easter Sunday lunch and we made a pork roast and a lemon tart. I’m already excited for next year when Augie can run around looking for eggs.

– We had a week holiday at a beautiful beach house in Pearl Beach with my brother, sister in law, niece, dad and step Mum. The weather was so perfect and it was the most amazing spot. I could happily live there.

Things we have learned:I can fall over carrying Augie up the stairs at home. I’d been scared of falling down, but this week I managed to fall up. Thank god I didn’t hurt Augie! I thought I had at first, but then he started giggling at me because I was crying out in pain (yeah, nice Augie!) which he thought was a fun game. Now I have a bung knee. Add it to the list of ‘old fat person’ injuries I have!

Appearance:Β He still just has the 2 bottom teeth, but has just started teething again in the last few days so I am expecting he might crack another soon. When he is teething he pulls, rubs and scratches his ear a lot, to the point it has been bleeding quite a bit. I am starting to get concerned it could be something more though so I’m going to take him to the doctor this week to make sure it isn’t anything wrong with his ear. I used to get bad ear infections and burst my ear drum when I was little, so I’m slightly worried he could have similar issues.

Mummy update:Β I have been having nightmares every single night that he is in my bed and I can’t find him. I wake up trying to find him and worried he’s squashed, suffocated or fallen off the bed. He has barely ever slept in our bed with us, so I am not sure where this is coming from. I think that it is still the fear I have about something happening to him after he had his big fall down the stairs a month and a half ago.

We are still looking for a new home. I take on board everyone’s thoughts on how we shouldn’t let the stairs incident shake us up so much that we have to move, but we were thinking of leaving anyway, this has just sped up the decision. This house is just not suitable for a baby, especially a baby who is on the move! We have no proper outdoor space for him to play, no bath, no space for a kitchen table where we can eat together as a family. Things like that are important to me. Now that AJ is working for himself from home and I only work 2 days a week, it makes sense that we could move further from the city and have more house and more space for our family. We currently live in an inner city suburb of Melbourne and it’s a great place to live if you want to go out for drinks, dinner, to see bands etc., but we just don’t do those things anymore because we have Augie and no babysitters around. After our recent beach holiday and seeing how much Augie just loved the beach, we are thinking of heading toward the coast maybe. Stay tuned.

8 Months Old

Age: 8 months old already. That’s practically a toddler right?! What a bloody month it has been too. Gastro, a cold, teething, the 6th leap in development and of course the big fall down the stairs. And still, he is just a delicious little ray of sunshine. I mean the grizzling and whinging have been dialled up a notch, but nothing out of the ordinary for a teething baby.

The leap and teething have been a little bit challenging, but I now know that it’s a phase that will pass. I used to get a lot of anxiety whenever he wasn’t a 100% happy bub, but I can relax a bit now and know that it’s all just a phase. It will pass.

He’s getting more cuddly this month. He’ll nestle his little face right in my neck for cuddles. At night when I put him to bed he sucks on my cheek, which I tell myself is a kiss goodnight. He is pretty wiggly and it can be hard to get him to sit still, so when I get a cuddle I enjoy it!

Feeding:Β Not much has changed this month, he’s still drinking 5 bottles a day of about 150 ml. Plus 3 meals a day. By eating 3 meals a day, I mean he throws food on the floor 3 times a day. I’ve tried cutting one bottle to try and get him to eat more, but I’ve been unsuccessful. We took a big backward step when he had gastro and was too sick to eat anything, so it’s like we are learning how to eat again. In saying that, I give him pretty much anything to eat from purΓ©ed food to lamb chops, basically anything that we are eating, so he gets to try plenty of foods. The only thing he really loves is meat. He never throws that on the floor!

He’s also finally mastered drinking water from his sippy cup. He bloody loves drinking water now, much prefers it to eating. Crazy kid.

Sleeping routine: It’s been a month in two halves: before the leap started and after the leap started.

Before the leap he was sleeping 6.30 pm – 7.30 am with two naps a day of 1 – 1.5 hours. Then the leap starts and he suddenly starts waking up needing cuddles and play time around 8.00 pm. Generally I can get him back to sleep after an hour or so and he’ll stay asleep. He is making a lot of noise and little cries throughout the night too. It’s amazing how these development leaps affect his sleep.

He’s also been teething, so some nights he’s been very sad and I’ve needed to give him Panadol to settle him. Poor little boy. He’s had a tough month.

At the start of the month he also naturally dropped his first morning sleep. He used to always have a sleep around 8.00/8.30 am. He skips this nap now and just has a longer mid-morning nap at about 10.00 am. This is great because I am pretty much set my clock by the morning nap now and I might even start using that time to work from home soon.

Firsts: A big month of firsts!!!

Crawling- he’s on the move! He is mostly commando crawling, but he can crawl properly as well. The maternal health nurse said he might prefer commando crawling because we have hardwood floors and it’s just easier. We now also have stair gates and a playpen to keep him safe! It’s so much fun playing with him now that he can move. He can chase you or you can call him and he’ll (sometimes) come over.

Tooth- FINALLY! It’s felt like he’s been teething forever. He cracked his first tooth (bottom front right) and then a week later the one next to it popped up too. Oh man does it hurt when he bites my finger now. I can’t imagine breast feeding…

Waving- he waves hello now. Well he does when he feels like it. Sometimes you say hello and he just stares at you like you’re an idiot.

Blowing raspberries- he loves blowing raspberries on my legs, arms, chest… basically anywhere he can find some skin. It’s quite cute. And slobbery.

Achievements: Well it’s been a very tough month with Augie’s accident (see last post if you missed it, I can’t link because I’m on my phone). Augie recovered incredibly well, but AJ and I are still struggling with guilt and going over and over in our heads how we let it happen. Anyway, we all survived. That’s an achievement right?

Things we have learned: To put stair gates on. Enough said. πŸ˜₯

Appearance: He’s still my little blonde, blue eyed boy. I never would have thought in a million years that I’d have a blonde haired, blue eyed boy. I wanted a dark haired, dark eyed little girl, but lucky for me, I got Augie.

We had an 8 month appointment with the maternal health nurse and she weighed and measured him. He’s 71 cm and 9.1 kilos, which puts him slightly above average for height and weight. It’s quite funny, there are two babies at mothers group and one is born the day before Augie and one is born the day after (both girls). One is 7 kilos, one is 8 kilos and Augie is 9 kilos. All are healthy and perfect, just completely different!

Mummy update: I am struggling. I had always heard that being a working mum was hard, but it’s been difficult in a way that I wasn’t expecting. The balance isn’t too bad because I’m not over-loaded at work and AJ is managing very well looking after Augie while I’m at work. What is hard is feeling kind of useless as a Mum and employee.

As a part time employee, I am left out of all major projects, decisions and meetings. I am just being delegated pieces of work. I have no responsibility. I feel like I’ve been demoted.

As a part time Mum, it’s hard to lose control. I really like to be in control and I have to let go. I was caring for Augie 24/7 for the first 6 months of his life. AJ helped, but let’s face it, I was the primary career. I want Augie and AJ to have that time together, but I hate missing out too.

So essentially I feel left out, out of control and not needed as a Mum and employee. I know it’s pretty sooky because I have a great work and home arrangement, it’s just a difficult adjustment. It’ll just take time to adjust.

The Worst

The worst happened. I always feared it would happen, but I didn’t really think it would. Augie fell down our stairs.

He’s OK.

How he is OK, I have no idea because he fell headfirst down 15 hardwood stairs. He didn’t slide down, he bounced down each and every stair. It’s actually very hard to even write that because it gives me terrible flashbacks. Sick to my stomach doesn’t even begin to describe it.

I got there in time to watch him fall and I raced after him hoping that he would lose momentum and stop falling. Of course that did’t happen and I could only scoop up his tiny body when he got to the end. My poor baby.

He cried immediately and then stopped after about 10 seconds of cuddles. He seemed like his old self (though the doctor later told me that he was probably in shock). AJ had raced down the stairs after me and I just said put him in the car, we are going to the hospital.

We are lucky that we live less than 5 kms from the Royal Children’s Hospital. It was a Saturday night and traffic was pretty good so we got there within about 15 minutes of his fall. I sang to him in the car and he laughed in the same places he always laughed and he was saying “ba ba ba” which was what he’d been saying to me all day. He seemed great, but I was actually more worried about deeper injuries that might not be immediately visible.

AJ dropped us off at emergency and went to park the car. When I took him out of his car seat I literally gasped when I saw the lumps that had already come up on his head. I went straight inside the hospital and told them what happened. Within a few minutes we were assessed by a nurse and then taken to a bed to be seen by a doctor.

I couldn’t believe how quiet it was in the hospital. There was only one other family in the waiting room! I later learned that we actually didn’t even make it to the waiting room and were triaged to see a doctor immediately. Later that night I walked past the actual waiting room that was full to the brim.

In our room, a young doctor performed a lot of tests on him, mostly to do with cognitive/head injury. They didn’t do x-rays or other scans because he was simply too young. Their main concern was bleeding on the brain so they continued to check his vital signs every hour until we were past the 6 hour mark, which is then considered fairly safe.

Augie was amazing and didn’t cry or get upset at all. He loved the attention from all the doctors and nurses and all the gadgets they had to perform tests on him. They gave me a cot for him and he slept a little bit, but woke every 20 minutes whimpering and needing cuddles. AJ had to go home once we knew Augie was ok. All 3 of us had a bad case of gastro and AJ was still in the thick of it. He was so sick that he went home and passed out on the bathroom floor. What a fucking night.

They let us go home at 2.00 am after they were confident he was ok. He was so tired and slept until 1.00 pm the next day… despite the fact I poked and prodded him all night to make sure he was ok.

All the doctors and nurses couldn’t quite believe that Augie was ok after such a terrible fall. Well, they couldn’t quite believe a baby had even suffered such a fall. I’m genuinely surprised that I didn’t have DHS out investigating us for being negligent parents. Some people I have told have acted like it’s no big deal. I mentioned that to AJ and said how surprised I was by this and he said those people are just being nice and trying not to make you feel bad. Probably true.

It is hard to explain how it happened. I really don’t know what I was thinking to have spaced out and let him get near the stairs. Or why I didn’t have a stair gate on. I always watch him. In fact, I normally sit with him. That night he had woken up because he’s teething and I got him out of bed for a cuddle. I didn’t even think he could crawl that far. I guess I was wrong. I can’t talk much more about it because it’s too hard to put myself back in that place and remember what happened.

For what it’s worth, AJ and I were both in the room when it happened. We were equally to blame and both feel horrible. In one sense I think we are both relieved that we are both to blame, I’m not sure how we could have forgiven each other if just one of us was to blame.

I’ll never forgive myself. I’m trying not to indulge too much in the guilt and instead focus on being so, so, so grateful that my baby is ok. Grateful is an understatement. When I saw him fall I honestly did not think he would be ok. I feel like the luckiest person alive to have a healthy baby.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that it’s now impossible to trust myself. How did I let this happen and what could happen next? I thought I was a vigilant parent. Obviously not. I don’t know what else I could do to put him in danger. The fear is keeping me up at night.

It goes without saying that we are now going to move house. We have two sets of stairs in our house and they make me feel sick to look at them. I am desperately searching the real estate websites for a rental. Most places in our budget are either tiny apartments or (double storey) townhouses. That’s not going to work. So what to do? I’m not sure yet, but I want to find a solution as soon as possible. I’ll be so sad to leave our place after less than a year, but I just want a house that is safe for Augie and a fresh start.

This is where It happened. As you can see we now have a stair gate up, but it’s still not safe because my bloody skirt got caught while I was taking him downstairs. I fucking hate stairs!

We now also have a cage playpen. Even when I know the stair gates are closed I still can’t shake my fears and poor Augie is locked up. Luckily he loves it in there with his toys (for now).