Back to the Grind

After quite a bit of back and forth, I finally had it confirmed today that I am going back to work 2 days a week in a couple of weeks. I wasn’t due to go back until mid-June, but I decided to go back earlier because I thought it would be a good balance for my family. I also thought it would be nice to wear fancy (clean!) clothes, put on make up and speak to people who can converse back to me. I won’t know myself!

Our family has had a bit of a shake up this year already with AJ quitting his job to run a business from home. He has a lot of flexibility with his hours and so it made sense that I would go back to work a couple of days to supplement our income and give us a bit of breathing space financially. It’s tough being on one salary!

More than the financial reasons though, I thought it would be good for all of us to share care of Augie. I am currently the primary carer of Augie, and with no family around to help, it’s just me and him pretty much all of the time. I worry that this isn’t good for me or Augie and we’ll both end up getting too attached to each other. I think that it’s important to be able to leave him and not worry that he’ll be anxious without me. Obviously I want him to need his mama, but I want him to be a confident little boy who enjoys spending time with other people (as long as I am his favourite of course).

I do feel lucky that I can do this and not have to worry about childcare. I don’t think I would be quite ready to put Augie in childcare just yet (I am too much of a clinger for that, but my niece was in childcare from this age and absolutely thrived). I have complete confidence in AJ to look after Augie all day. Granted, he has never really done it… but that’s because I hover constantly and take over. Which is another major reason I thought it would be good for me to go back to work and give AJ and Augie the opportunity to spend more one-on-one time together. AJ isn’t quite as strict with routine as I am… but I’m sure they’ll have a good time without the fun police.

I often leave Augie with AJ for a couple of hours at a time to get my nails done, hair appointments, shopping or dinner with friends. But, I have never actually been away from him for a full day and I have no idea how I’ll feel about it. Actually, that is a lie. I do know how I’ll feel about it… totally heartbroken. I will need to leave the house by about 7.15 am, which is exactly when he wakes up and then I won’t get home until about 6.15 pm, which is exactly when he goes to bed. We can’t really keep him awake any longer because he is just so over-tired and just done by that time of day.

I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope being gone all day and not getting cuddles and kisses and smiles. AJ said he can bring him into work to visit me at lunch times, but it’s across the other side of town and I don’t want them being stuck in city traffic when they could be out having fun. I mean, how am I going to leave this little face for 2 days a week? Sob.

Despite my little freak out, I do think it will be the absolute best thing for everyone and we’ll all settle into the new routine nicely. I’ll just need a few extra stiff drinks during the week to get me through.

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6 Months Old

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What a crazy month this has been. I need to break these updates up a bit, this is a looong post with way too many photos.

In big news for our family, AJ quit his job and is now running his own business from home. He has been running a small digital business on the side for the past 2 years and it got to the point where he couldn’t do both jobs and be a father. He has already missed out on a lot because he is always working and I feel like a solo parent a lot of the time. We are both beyond exhausted. So he decided to quit his very good, secure, well-paying job (eeeeeek) and build up his business. I am so happy to have him around more to help. It just feels like a massive weight has been lifted. He can work any time, so it means we can do family things during the day and he can work in the evening. It has got off to a rocky start though because he has been incredibly busy catching up on months worth of work over the past few weeks and has been working 18 hour days, but that won’t be forever.

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It also looks like I am going to go back to work part time soon. I wasn’t due to go back until June, but I have capacity now that AJ will be home to look after Augie and they need the extra pair of hands. Plus we could do with the money now that we don’t have AJ’s salary. It was always our plan that we would try and share care of Augie and both work part time so that we have a really good balance. I have mixed feelings about going back to work… I don’t know what else to say for now. Let’s see what happens.

Age: Holy shit. I have a 6 month old baby. It is just doing my head in that he is so big now. I think I thought I would have everything under control by the time he was 6 months old… nope… still got no idea. I had a minor freak out that I should have the perfect baby routine by now because he’s 6 months old and not a newborn. That he should be able to self-settle (the Holy Grail) and link his sleep cycles during the day. We had his 6 month appointment with the child and maternal health nurse and she made me feel much better about everything. I felt like I was the only mum who didn’t have a perfectly sleeping baby and she reassured me that he is completely normal. Phew.

For almost the entire month Augie was in leap 5… and it kicked our arses. This month all the good sleeping routine and my chilled out baby went out the window. I think that teething also contributed and all the travel we did over Christmas and being away from home. It was a tough month.

Feeding: It was hit and miss this month. Some days he was on a feeding strike and then he would guzzle all the milk. On average, he is drinking about 750-800 mls of formula a day though.

Over Christmas I decided to totally stop breast feeding. I had been still giving him one feed a day in the morning, but he was growing increasingly frustrated with my lack of supply and it just felt like the right time. I did it while I was staying with family and there was lots going on so that I wouldn’t have time to get too sad about it.

We only just started solids right before he turned 6 months. I know that the trend in mums these days is to start from 4 months, but I dragged my feet on this one a little bit. I just felt a bit overwhelmed and didn’t know how to do it and I also get a bit sad about my little baby growing up. Not to mention all the extra work and mess. Who needs it, right? Anyway, he’s really not interested in food so far. I think he still needs to learn the concept of eating and then we’ll be fine. Oh, and of course starting Augie on solids wasn’t as scary as I made it out to be in me head. I worried over nothing. Story of my life!

Sleeping routine: Oh my god. Who took away my easy sleeping baby??? Augie has been sleeping through the night since he was about 10 weeks and this month it suddenly stopped. Some days he woke because he needed more milk (because he refused to drink during the day) but most of the time he just wanted to play. He was never upset or crying, just up for a party. Yay…

It was just frustrating because we were staying with my brother and sister-in-law over Christmas and I was really looking forward to some chilled out evenings with many bottles of wine, but Augie made that difficult. Oh well, I never mind him being awake as long as he isn’t crying, I can’t take the crying, it breaks my heart.

So we ended up co-sleeping with Augie for the first time ever. It was the only way he would settle down and stop rolling around his cot and sleep. I actually found it quite nice. It’s fun to wake up to little hands on your face and a big smile in the morning. AJ was really stressed about it though and he slept on the floor because he was worried about rolling on top of Augie. Fair enough too, he is a very heavy sleeper and I have been known to cop one of his elbows in the eye during the night, so we couldn’t risk it happening to Augie.

Day sleeps have also been hard work. They have never been that easy with Augie, but this month they were even harder. It would take me so long to get him to sleep and then 25 minutes later he is wide awake again. It has been pretty exhausting to be honest. I have also been working to drop his last nap of the day, taking him from 4 sleeps a day to 3 sleeps. He is always so over-tired by the end of the day, that it’s too much work to actually get him to sleep and then it delays his bed time until 8.00 pm. Instead we are skipping that last nap and putting him to bed around 6.30 pm. Those last 2 hours of the day are bloody hard work with him though… he is so hyped up and over-tired. That’s when I get his dad to take over and be super fun dad!

Firsts:

  • First Christmas! We drove to AJ’s mum’s on the 23rd and stayed the night, then drove to Albury (which is half way from AJ’s mum’s to Sydney) and stayed in a hotel on the 24th and then on Christmas day we drove to Sydney to visit my brother, sister-in-law and niece. My dad and step mum also came to Sydney and we had a lovely family Christmas. We didn’t get there until the late afternoon, but my sister-in-law cooked a wonderful dinner and we unwrapped presents and had a great night. We stayed with them for almost a week and I was actually really sad to leave. It was so nice getting to spend time with my niece and seeing her and Augie interact. It’s hard having your family live so far away.
  • Augie’s first interstate trip to NSW (Sydney).
  • We are rolling! Well he had been rolling previously, but it was more of a one-off. Now he does it ALL OF THE TIME. In fact, this has been another sleep barrier, because why sleep when you can roll around your cot? He is really on the move now. I constantly look over to him on the floor and say “how did you get over there?”.
  • He had his first swim in the paddle pool at my brother’s house. It was really no different to being in the bath, except it was outside. He seemed to have fun.
  • We took him to the beach for the first time. We went to Torquay for a friend’s birthday. The poor little boy was just miserable from teething, but he was a trooper and did really well. We dipped his feet in the water, but didn’t want to take him in because he was not feeling well at all.
  • We bought him a play jumper thing because he bloody loves standing up. I try to put him on the floor and he locks his legs and wants to stand, so now he can stand in his jumper and play. He loves it.
  • His new trick is sitting. One day I just noticed he was steady and could totally sit on his own now. He can still have a fall after a while… which isn’t great on the hardwood floors. We bought a mat for the floor, but it still gives him a fright when he face plants.

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  • He is suddenly really engaged with playing with actual toys. He has always played with his play gym, but now you can give him a toy and he pushes the buttons and picks up things, laughs at the music and just has an absolute ball.

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Achievements: I think 15 hours in the car, across 3 days, staying in 3 new places was a big enough achievement. Plus a 10 hour drive home in one day. Augie handled it wonderfully. On the trip back from Sydney he slept all the way from Gundagai to home (4 and a half hours). It was kind of annoying though because we wanted to stop for Maccas, but we were too scared to stop or even go through the drive through window for fear of waking him up. Give us some warning next time Augie, we were starving!

Things we have learned: My mantra this month has been “this too shall pass”. It has been a tough month, but I have already learned that every bad phase passes. In the moment it feels dark and like it will never end, but it always does.

Appearance: Well he is still bloody cute! He is so chubby and delicious… so edible (actually I was pretending to eat his hand the other day and accidentally bit his finger and made him cry. Whoops).

He is 8.5 kilos and 67.5 cm… which makes him average for length and a bit above average for weight. We have no concerns about that of course because he is strong and healthy and perfect.

He is starting to get more hair. Go Augie! It looks completely blonde in some light and dark brown in other light. It’s so weird… I think it’ll keep getting darker. Though I had  blonde hair when I was little, so who knows!

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Me as a toddler

His eyes are still slate blue, with tinges of hazel coming through. They change a lot and I have noticed they go pale blue when he isn’t feeling well.

Still no teeth, but I can feel some rough patches where the teeth are trying to poke through. The poor little guy has had some tough days with sore gums, but nothing some panadol and lots of mum cuddles can’t fix.

Mummy update: Well I ate like a mad person over Christmas. I fell into some really bad habits and ate worse than I have in years. I think all the stress from Christmas, the travel and Augie being out of sorts just got to me. My anxiety really played up over Christmas, which is normal for me and I comfort ate… which is also normal for me. I was still pretty disappointed in myself for how I handled things, but I am on top of it now and feeling much better.

I am still doing the 16/8 diet and normally eating between 1.00 pm and 9.00 pm and fasting the rest of the time. When I do eat, I am mostly eating veggies, lean meat and legumes and staying away from carbs and snacks as much as possible. I didn’t weigh myself this month because I didn’t want to see the damage from Christmas…

Oh and can I just say one more thing. My god, my back is killing me. I have a sharp pain shooting up on my left side (where I hold Augie) and it is getting quite debilitating. I have started seeing a physio, but so far it hasn’t helped much. I think it just comes with being a (fat and unfit) mum maybe?!

5 Months Old

*** I wrote this to publish on the 23rd of December and then forgot in all the rush to pack and leave for the holidays. ***

Age: Augie turned 5 months today on the same day as my 37th birthday. Happy Birthday to us both! I was quite happy he was also born on the 23rd day of the month, it’s a lovely little bond we have between us.

This month has been the beginning of teething. I can’t see any teeth broken through yet, but all the signs are there: loss of appetite, grizzling at bed time, rosy cheeks, biting down on everything hard, rubbing his ears, major drooling and hard to settle. OK, so some of those symptoms are just him being a baby, but the way he chomps down on everything he can get his hands on looks like sore little gums to me. I really hope those teeth come through soon, I can’t handle seeing him so out of sorts.

This last week he’s also been majorly upset in the tummy. I’ll spare you the details, but it has not been fun for either of us. I even took him to see a doctor because I was worried about dehydration in this hot weather. It looks like it’s just gastro, but I am also hearing from some people that their babies had similar side effects when teething. Who knows??? The poor little boy has a nasty nappy rash from the whole situation which just breaks my heart.

We had his 4 month vaccinations earlier in the month. I wasn’t as nervous this time as I was for his first jabs. As much as I hate to see him upset, I knew that he would be OK. The nurses at the clinic I go to are just amazing and make the process so easy. He barely cried and then seemed to forget the whole experience pretty quickly and had no side effects. Quite painless.

Feeding: No change to his feeding routine and I haven’t started solids, even though I know a lot of people do from 4 months. He hasn’t seemed interested and I’m in no hurry to push him toward solid food.

This month it has been a challenge feeding him because he is very distracted and generally off his food. He just pulls away from the bottle or nuzzle his face into my armpit while I am feeding him. Which would be cute if his face wasn’t covered in milk when he does it… ha ha. I guess he’ll feed better when he’s going through his next growth spurt, but right now he obviously doesn’t need it.

Sleeping routine: I’ve been anxiously awaiting the 4 month sleep regression and I am not sure if we have hit it or not. We had a bad week where he just wouldn’t settle for his day sleeps and was subsequently grizzly and upset all day. It was a shocker! Thank god it only lasted a week and it was such a relief to have my happy little boy back.

He has also been more wakeful at night, but not in a major way (except when he has sore gums). He generally still sleeps from about 8.00 pm – 7.00 am, but sometimes I’ll hear him awake cooing and gurgling in the middle of the night and I just give him his dummy or rest my hand on his chest and he’ll go back to sleep. The last week he has struggled more, but it seems to be a side effect of his sore tummy and gums.

There is a lot going on at 4 months with a massive leap in development, vaccinations and teething, so he’s definitely been less settled at night.

Firsts: A lot of firsts this month!

  • He rolled over from back to front (he had previously rolled from front to back). He still doesn’t do either of these regularly and I’m not really encouraging him a lot. He’ll get there when he’s ready.
  • He has started to play with his toys with his feet. He picks them up like they are his hands.
  • His new trick is grabbing your face with his hands. Oh boy that can hurt when his nails are sharp!
  • Another new trick is batting at you with his arm. He can do this for ages while he’s feeding or playing, just hit my face, chest or arm continuously. He seems to enjoy it, weird baby.
  • We moved him out of his bassinet seat in the pram and into the bucket seat. I had been putting this off because I didn’t want to admit my little boy wasn’t a newborn anymore. Sob. I finally admitted defeat and I am glad that I did because he loves sitting up. For some reason the pram seems easier to maneuver and push now too, I’m not sure if that is just in my head?
  • We also moved him from his bassinet into his cot. This involved a major household re-shuffle because his cot wouldn’t fit in our bedroom. So we moved to the spare bedroom (which is bigger), moved the study into his nursery and turned our old room into a play room/spare room. It was a huge bloody job because it involved moving around our whole house across 3 storeys. So, so, so many stairs… Anyway, it’s done and it’s for the best because our bedroom is now on the ground floor and its much cooler and darker here for summer. He seems to love sleeping in the cot, he rolls around and sleeps all over the place.
  • Another first was taking him out of his sleep swaddles and just using a sleeping bag. Now that he is starting to roll about, it’s not safe for him to be swaddled, so we have his arms out. He just loves this because it means he can play with his soft bunny that he loves to rub into his face all night. It’s a big win for me because it seems to really soothe him and he is less reliant on the dummy.
  • Highchair… well we put him in one at a restaurant for about 10 minutes. He seemed ok, but he really needs a bit more time to build up the strength to support that big head of his!
  • Photo with Santa! We went to Myer at Chaddy shopping centre and it was all pretty easy. There were no queues or drama and the ‘elves’ helping out were lovely. Augie just wanted to pull on Santa’s hat and beard, which didn’t impress Santa at all (grumpy bum). I hear it gets harder when they are about 18 months, so we’ll see what happens next year! Anyway, it was a surreal moment to have your little bub photographed with Santa.

Achievements: Well the biggest achievement is that he seems to be significantly less spewy this month. He still spits up, especially if you are burping him, but he doesn’t spew all of the time like he previously did. Oh my god, what a difference it makes! Everything is so much easier without having to worry about him erupting everywhere.

Things we have learned: There are some challenges that come with him losing his newborn ways. He is now more affected by noise, where he would previously sleep through anything. He is also more curious and always wanting to know what is happening around him. This has meant he isn’t sleeping well in the car anymore and ends up getting bored and grizzly. I sit with him in the back doing everything I can to distract him. I suspect that he’ll be better when we can turn his car seat around, but I think it’s illegal before 6 months and recommended you keep it rear facing until 12 months. We are just about to undertake a massive road trip for Christmas (14 hours one way and then 9 hours back)… any tips??? God help us!!!

Appearance: He’s still a deliciously chubby litttle bubby. Everyone is saying that he looks like me now. Honestly, people stop me on the street and say how much he looks like me. I can see some resemblance, but not that much! I think it’s mostly in our round little faces.

He is slowly growing some fine hair, it’s still not exactly a full head of hair, but he’ll get there. His eyes are still mostly blue, but I can still see flecks of change and I think he’ll have the slate grey/green eyes the same as his dad (I hope so!).

Mummy update:

I’ve been really putting the effort into my healthy eating this month. After being shocked at gaining weight last month, I totally cut the crap and toed the line. I’ve been trying to do the 16/8 diet, but it’s a bit hard because I’ll often eat very late if Augie is difficult to get to sleep so I am not perfect. I’ll keep trying though because it suits my lifestyle and, to be honest, skipping breakfast means it’s one less thing I need to do. I just need my body to adjust and stop being so hungry. Luckily we are normally pretty busy in the mornings, so time goes quickly.

Aside from doing the 16/8 diet I am also being very strict with my calories. No more dark chocolate, no more sneaky pasta’s, no more grabbing handfuls of almonds, no more bananas, no more crumpets. I’m back to eating (or not eating) the way I used to in order to lose weight. Man it sucks though ha ha.

I went to my work Christmas party last week and I felt quite shit about myself. I really should have put more effort into my appearance because I felt so frumpy and unattractive next to all the girls who looked so gorgeous and glam. To be honest, I really felt fat, old and boring. I’m not trying to be a sad sack, it’s just how I felt unfortunately. Oh well, that’s up to me to work on. I’m not going to let it bring me down too much, I’m so happy in my new role as mum and that’s the main thing.

Weight update:

Pre-baby weight: 80 kilos (176 lbs)
40 Weeks pregnant weight: 93.3 kilos (205.2 lbs)
Previous weight: 85.7 kilos (188.5 lbs)
Current weight: 83.2 kilos (183 lbs)
Goal weight: 75 kilos (165 lbs)

4 Months Old

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Age: 4 months old. WOW! The changes he has undergone in the last month have been amazing! I feel like he has moved from a newborn to a bouncing baby now. He’s strong, giggly, curious, playful and smart (well, as smart as a baby can be…). As much as I miss my newborn bub, I have to say that a 4 month old is pretty cute. They are so interactive and give you so much back.

Sorry about all of the photos. I just can’t help myself.

Feeding: This has been pretty consistent, he has 5 bottles a day of between 150-180 mls. I still breastfeed him in the mornings, but he doesn’t get much from it. I just do it because I enjoy the time with him. I stopped taking my breastfeeding tablets and I completely ran out of milk, so I got some more to keep me going because I’m not ready to say goodbye just yet.

Sleeping routine: There has been so much change with sleeping this month, it’s hard to make one consistent comment. It can change every week. But, he is still sleeping through the night about 11 hours straight (touch wood) so I can’t complain. Apparently a 4 month sleep regression is coming though… so I won’t hold my breathe!

At the start of the month we had a really rough period where for 3 nights straight he just screamed at bedtime for hours. It was the most sickening and horrible thing to go through. We even ended up taking him for a drive to calm him down. Then it just suddenly stopped. It was when he was starting leap 4, so I can only put it down to that development period.

He still really fights sleep and it gets harder to get him to sleep as the day goes on. I worry that I am letting him get over-tired, but I do try to get him down as soon as I see his sleep cues. We still follow the feed – play – sleep routine, which is something that came about just from following his lead. The only issue is that he generally only sleeps for one sleep cycle (35 minutes) and I’m not good at getting him back to sleep. It rarely happens.

I’ve thought about going to sleep school because it’s covered in my health insurance. I’ve had it recommended to me by a few parents, but I am a little unsure. It’s a 5 night residence for me and bub at a sleep school so it would be hard for AJ to have us both gone (and me too because I am a big homebody). It seems a bit extreme because he really isn’t a terrible sleeper. But I know that he should be sleeping more during the day and also not so fussy in the evenings and if I can help him sleep better I want to give him that opportunity. What to do?

Firsts:

  • We get full on giggles now. He loves it when we kiss his face, tickle his neck or blow raspberries on his tummy. Or any playtime with dad is hilarious. Baby giggles are the best, way better than any drug I have ever taken!
  • He rolled for the first time a week and a half ago. I was doing tummy time with him and he rolled from his tummy to his side and then from his side to his back. He’s only done it once more since, so I don’t think it’s a regular trick just yet.
  • He learned how to squeal last week. He loves testing his voice out and squawking and squealing. That is going to be fun…
  • He has quite a wiggle on now. When I leave him on his play mat he will wiggle himself around. It is making nappy changes a bit harder as he thrashes about and wiggles. He still loves being on his change mat, he just wants to play!
  • His hands are constantly in his mouth. I don’t think he’s teething yet, it’s just a developmental thing.
  • He loves to put any blanket or toy over his face (not very safe!). It seems to soothe him when he is trying to go to sleep though, so I just creep and watch him and then take the toy away when he is asleep.
  • We started Rhyme Time at the local library and he seems to love the singing and watching the other babies. His favourite song is incy wincy spider.

Achievements: We had our first night away with him and also our first night away from him. They were two separate events obviously!

Firstly, we went to my dad’s for the night to celebrate my niece’s 1st birthday. It was a bit of a disaster because he was out of sorts and upset all day/night. I think it was just too much for him with so many people in his face and wanting to hold him. Such an exhausting night, but we made it through. I get so stressed when he plays up when we aren’t at home. He’s so easy at home and it makes it hard to be bothered leaving the house sometimes.

We also had a night out and my dad and step mum came to babysit. We went to my friend’s place to celebrate the purchase of her lovely new home. It didn’t feel too weird to be away from him, in fact I can really see why it’s so important because normally all I think and talk about is the baby, so I need more happening in my life. I am turning to mush! I should not have drunk so much though because I did not appreciate looking after a baby with a hangover the next day. Big mistake.

Things we have learned: We were a bit slack with tummy time because he seemed to hate it. Plus, he’s a spewy baby and putting him on his tummy was a recipe for disaster. Then I was at mother’s group one day and all the bubs were playing on their tummies and I was like… oh shit, I’m such a bad mum, my baby can’t play on his tummy. So from then on I started doing tummy time and within just a few days he was absolutely fine. It’s still not his favourite thing to do, but I can plonk him in front of the mirror on his tummy and he’ll happily stare at himself. Plus he always sits on our lap or over our shoulder and supports his own head, so I think he built up strength that way, rather than smooshing his face on the floor.

Appearance: Well, I am biased, but he’s a bloody little cutie. He’s so chubby and kissable with all the rolls of fat on his arms and legs. I can’t get enough of him. Half of people we know say that he looks like me and the other half say he looks like AJ. I think he might have some of both of our features, but his facial expressions are often like AJ’s. Especially when he screws up his face.

His eyes are still quite blue, but I feel like I see specks of other colour coming through and I wonder if he’ll have the grey/green eyes the same as his dad. He is still pretty bald, but the hair he has is a mix of dark and light. Who knows where that will go.

He was weighed and measured when he was exactly 4 months and was 7 kilos and 64 cm which puts him at exactly the 50th percentile for weight and 52nd for length. Not bad for a little boy who was in the 7th percentile for weight for a while!

Mummy update: Since the weather has warmed up here I have been feeling a bit shit about myself. Just wearing less clothes means that I am constantly seeing my lumps, bumps and rolls and it really brings me down a bit. I actually requested that our builder make our wardrobe doors NOT mirrored because I don’t like having to see myself all of the time, but of course he didn’t listen and now I get to see myself sitting on the bed side on… always a flattering look.

I weighed myself and I bloody gained a kilo this month. Fuuuuuuck! I was so frustrated because I was actually trying to lose weight. I was eating healthy and making an effort to go on walks and I run up and down the stairs in my house about 50 times a day. I really thought I would be down at least 1 kilo.

I guess when I think about it, I am still eating like I am pregnant. I eat very healthy, but I am just eating too much. I was just grabbing a handful of almonds when I was peckish, eating lots of fruit for snacks, having brown rice with dinner, occasionally even eating potatoes or pasta and I was eating dark chocolate for dessert every single night. I have to remember that my body doesn’t lose weight unless I stick to strict no carbs and eat no more than 1200 calories a day. So I’ve gone cold turkey on the dark chocolate and cut all snacks and cutting down carbs (not completely yet).

I’m trying not to be a sook about it and remember that the only thing that matters is that me and my family are happy and healthy. A few extra kilos is not the end of the world. Some days are easier than others!

Pre-baby weight: 80 kilos (176 lbs)
40 Weeks pregnant weight: 93.3 kilos (205.2 lbs)
Previous weight: 84.6 kilos (186.1 lbs)
Current weight: 85.7 (188.5 lbs)
Goal weight: 75 kilos (165 lbs)

That Time of Year

I’ve been having one of those weeks where I really miss having my mum around. I think the influx of Christmas does it to me. Christmas was  BIG DEAL for my mum. I remember her last Christmas so vividly and it feels like yesterday that we were at the shops every day planning the perfect (last) Christmas.

I took Augie to the shops last Friday and we sat in the outdoor eating area so I could give him a bottle. It was quite nice just the two of us in the sunshine and there was a musician playing songs. A lady sat near us with her mum and a baby the same age as Augie and it just made me so, so sad.

This would have been exactly the sort of thing my mum and I would have been doing together. Nothing special, just a trip to Kmart for some Christmas things and then some groceries from Coles. An extra pair of hands to help with Augie and plan the Christmas festivities.

I watched the mother and daughter and wondered if they knew how lucky they were. But then I realised that someone who desperately wants a baby could be watching me with Augie and wonder if I know how lucky I am. I try to be grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t cancel out the loss.

I silently willed the musician to play a song that would show me that my mum was there with us. He played Stairway to Heaven. It wasn’t a special song to us, but I tried to find some meaning in it anyway.

But, at least it is hard to stay sad for too long with this cheeky little monkey beside me as type.

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0-3 Months: The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

It’s been 3 months now with this little delight in our lives. I am surprised at how much I am loving being a mum, but it hasn’t all been sunshine and roses…

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THE GOOD

Smiles and laughter: It lights me up inside when I see him smile or laugh. Like there is just no way I could ever be sad when he smiles or laughs. It’s everything.

Playtime: It’s so much fun to play with him. Singing, dancing, reading and just pulling faces are all so much fun.

Holding onto you: He’s always loved to hold your fingers or hair and snuggle in. It’s the best.

Sleeping: Watching him sleep is pure bliss. Sometimes I just let him sleep on me during the day because it is such a delight to snuggle an angelic sleeping baby.

Waking: When he wakes in the morning he just lies there with a big happy grin waiting to be picked up. I am such a sap that I am normally waiting impatiently for him to wake in the morning so we can have a cuddle.

Seeing others happy: It brings me a huge amount of joy that his presence has also bought joy to my loved ones.

Watching the changes: We have squeals of delight every time we notice him doing any little new thing like hold a toy or watch you across the room. It amazes me to watch him learn and change.

Everything: Honestly, every day with him is good.

THE BAD

Repetitiveness: At this age we are doing the same thing over and over and it can get repetitive.

Mess: I knew this would be hard for me. Kids just create and cause mess. It’s hard to keep up with it. I do my best because it makes me feel calmer to be in a clean and tidy house.

Attention: I like to keep to myself usually, but having a baby meant having a lot of new attention from family, friends and even strangers. I do find it hard to deal with having more people around me and having less time to recharge from it.

Breastfeeding: Well, as we all know, it works or it doesn’t. Even when it does work, it can be painful and difficult. It hasn’t worked for me and it’s been hard mentally and physically to come to that conclusion.

Lack of control: My time and space is not my own anymore and it’s hard to let go of that sense of control. I’d love to know that my baby will feed or sleep at a certain time, but he doesn’t work that way unfortunately. Every day is a mystery!

Bodily fluids: In honesty, I thought this would be harder to deal with because I have a very sensitive stomach. I’ve actually managed ok, but I certainly won’t be sad when his spewy phase is over.

Cutting nails: Good god, they are hard to cut and he loves to poke himself in the eye and get a fright. Can someone start a baby manicure business please?

THE UGLY

Sleep deprivation: I have been pretty lucky, but the first 10 weeks were tough. Very tough. After that he started seeping through the night. When you are in it though, it feels like it will never end.

Money: Going from two salaries to one is hard financially and certainly causes some worry. It’s amazing what you learn to go without though.

Me time: Like writing on this blog. We have a 2 hour cycle of feed, play, sleep. He normally has 4 x 30 minutes sleep during the day, so during that short sleep window I need to get all my crap done- eat, clean, toilet, emails, texts, Instagram, online shopping. At night he is normally asleep by 8.00 pm, which is when we cook dinner, eat, watch TV, clean and sterilise bottles, talk to each other and get to bed by 10.00 pm. Non-stop party time here!

Freedom: I miss being out to go out with AJ and have a few too many drinks, some delicious food and then sleep in the next day, order Uber Eats and watch Netflix all day. I really miss my freedom, especially in the first couple of months, but I’m getting used to it. Life just takes a lot more forward planning these days.

Watching him grow up: As much fun as it is to watch him change, it’s also heartbreaking because you also want him to stay your tiny little baby forever. Sob.

Worry: By far and away the absolute hardest thing about having a baby for me is the constant worry. My heart just aches when he cries. It genuinely makes me feel physically ill. Plus all the worry about whether you are doing things right. Are you worrying too much? I want to be a relaxed parent, but is this being relaxed or negligent? It’s a fine line sometimes!

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Having Baby Part 3: First Night

Having Baby Part 1: Pre-Labour
Having Baby Part 2: Birth


 

Now this part of the story really isn’t that interesting, all the action was over, but it’s important to me because it’s the part when I realised that I loved this little bub.

When I left you I had given birth and dragged my exhausted arse off to the shower about midnight. I was looking forward to getting into bed and having some rest. I was still in the birth suite and waiting to be transferred to a proper room with a queen size bed so AJ and I could sleep. Little did I know that I was completely delusional because I really wouldn’t be sleeping for the next week.

AJ had been looking after bubs for the first few hours after I gave birth. I was just too tired and sick to want to have much to do with the little guy. I was pretty much thinking that having a baby was the stupidest thing I had ever done. I’d made a very big mistake. Panic was setting in.

The midwives had been monitoring bub’s temperature throughout the evening as it was lower than it should be. At the request of the hospital, my sister-in-law had raced back to my place to bring in extra blankets, hats, gloves and outfits (you would think with all the money we spent on private hospital they could take care of this?). We had him all rugged up, but his temperature was still too low.

For the next 5 hours the midwife and I worked to warm him up with heat lamps, my body warmth, breast feeding and then eventually a humidicrib. I thought that I was beyond exhausted, but seeing that tiny little baby looking so sad and cold gave me the energy that I needed to keep going.

Now it wasn’t a dramatic situation, he was going to be fine, but it was enough for my motherly instincts to kick in. Seeing him in distress brought out the protector in me. I knew that he needed me and I didn’t want to let him down.

The humidicrib worked eventually and his temperature stabilised at about 5.30 am. It’s all a bit of blur to me and I am not even sure if I remember that night correctly to be honest. I just know that seeing my little boy sick almost broke me and that it was the moment I started falling in love with this little creature.

Looking back on those photos from the night he was born breaks my heart a little bit. I wish I could go back in time and love him like he deserves from the second he entered the world, but at least I got there in the end.

Now… well I couldn’t love that boy more if I tried. He is my world.

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