Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away, my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife moved 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.

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Psychic Adventures Part 2

You are going to think I am so crazy when I tell you this story, but trust me, it’s not as weird as it sounds.

Not last Saturday, but the Saturday before, I was drinking my cup of tea on the balcony and wondering what to do with my weekend when I received a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise (terrifying) .It was my aunty, my dad’s younger sister, who I have spoken to about 5 times in the last 20 years.

She told me that in recent years she had discovered a gift for psychic readings and was a medical intuitive. She had heard through the family grapevine that I had issues with my fertility and asked if she could come and do a reading for me.

To say that I was shocked was an understatement. No one on my dad’s side of the family has reached out to me since my mum passed away or even included me in most family events. I have kept my fertility issues private, except for one person in the family who obviously sprung a little leak. Not to mention the fact that she claimed to be a psychic medium. Crazy right?

In saying all of that, I really appreciated that she put herself out there to try to help me. She was willing to drive from her tiny country town 3 hours away to my apartment in the middle of the city. I was totally blown away. So I gratefully accepted her offer.

Really, I was just hungry to see if my mum would come through. I knew without a doubt that if there was any way for my mum to contact me, she would be there. She was always one of those mum’s who would move heaven and earth to be there for her kids or stick up for them, much to my constant embarrassment as a child!

I actually saw a psychic earlier this year and really felt like I got a lot of peace out of it, so I was very open to doing it again. I actually just re-read over my notes from that reading and noticed one prediction that had come true, that I would leave my job and have a new job by June. Interesting.

So my aunty came over that afternoon and it was an amazing experience. I know that a lot of people don’t believe in this stuff, but after the experience I had, I believe 100%. There is just no other explanation for the things she told me. My mum came through right away and it was such a relief to communicate with her. I just needed to know that she was OK and that she watching over me.

My aunty knew my mum when she was younger, though had not seen her in many years before she passed, but she was aware of my mum’s mental health struggles. Given the very hard times my mum had and her difficult relationship with my dad’s family, my aunty was afraid that my mum would come through in a darker way. Thankfully, my aunty said that my mum came through happy and at peace. I mentioned this to AJ afterwards and he said that he always thought of my mum as a happy person, but that must have been because he always saw her around her kids and that made her happy. It made me feel to so good to hear him say that about my mum.

My mum and my pop came through together and it was just so amazing to communicate with them. I miss them both more than words can express and I felt safe and looked after with them again. My mum spoke about all of the things I did for her. My aunty and I were both crying. I think the whole reading was actually harder on my aunty than on me.

The messages that came through were very similar to the psychic I spoke to earlier this year. It was a lot about looking after myself and not worrying about my older brother who is troubled and estranged from my family. Worry for him consumes me and my mum wanted me to step away and focus on myself, my new house and my relationship with AJ.

My aunty also did a medical intuition reading and she diagnosed every ache and pain from the exact place of my plantar fasciitis, my rotator cuff injury, my spasming lower back, my recent onset of migraines and my fertility problems.

Now, my aunty had heard that I had fertility problems, I didn’t tell her what they were, but she said to me over the phone that she assumed it would be inflammation and that she has seen it in other women. I didn’t correct her, I thought I would wait and see what she said when she did her reading. She immediately said that it wasn’t inflammation at all and that I had lots of cysts on my ovaries. She could see that I don’t get my period and described it is ‘dry’. Well, she was spot on. I have PCOS, cysts on my ovaries and I don’t get my period or ovulate.

She also mentioned a lot a pain in my breast and it was the main issue coming though. I don’t have any pain in my breast, so I am not sure what this is about. I wonder if my mum somehow projected this through my aunty because she was always worried I would get breast cancer because my grandmother and (another) aunty had it. Of course now I am experiencing weird pangs that I am 99% sure are in my head. OK, maybe I am a little crazy.

She was able to offer suggestions for different foods that would assist me (honey, lemon, broccoli), foods I shouldn’t eat (capsicum, onion, tomato), things I should do (yoga and drink more water). I guess they could apply to most people, but it’s always good to be reminded of these things.

Put simply, this experience helped put me at peace somewhat. I needed it and it definitely eased some pain for me. I also just felt overwhelmed that my aunty drove all that way and did that just for me. I don’t have much contact with family and it just meant the world to me. My mum said in the reading that she bought my aunty to me and I believe it.