I Got a Job!

Apparently now I am a Digital Marketer. Well trying to be anyway.

I really wanted this job, but now my anxiety has kicked in and I am wondering why the hell this company would hire me. I don’t know what I am doing. I am an imposter. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

I have always struggled with confidence at work (and with just about everything else), but it doesn’t help that I was made redundant from my last job. I don’t think I realised how hard that knocked my confidence until recently. I kept telling everyone that ‘I’m not taking it personally‘, but who am I kidding? I totally took it personally. Why would they get rid of me if they valued me as an employee?

Oh god. I have felt sick with nerves from the moment I accepted the role. Why can’t I just not work ever again? I don’t need money… I’ll change my lifestyle… I’ll just sleep in a tent and grow my own food…

I don’t start until Monday 6th June, so I have another week to relax at home wallow in a pit of self doubt.

 

7 Years with the Lapband

Wow. Time really does fly.

Today is 7 years since I had my lapband surgery. It feels like yesterday, but also like it was another life time ago.

I started at 129.7 kilos (285.5 lbs) and my lowest weight was about 72 kilos (158.5 lbs) before I had body lift surgery. During that time my weight has fluctuated massively and I have lost and gained the same 15 kilos dozens of times. Sigh. Right now my weight sits about 82 kilos (180.5 lbs). I am happy with these results and how far I have come.

Me before

Me now

So how is life with the lapband after 7 years? I honestly don’t notice it much anymore. It really isn’t a big part of my life like it was in the first few years. I keep the band almost empty (for reasons listed here) so it doesn’t assist with weight loss or hunger and I can eat almost anything (and lots of it). The only time I still have trouble with food going down is if I am anxious, tired or sick.

I count myself very lucky (touch wood) that I haven’t had any major issues with my lapband. I personally know of at least 5 people who have had their lapbands removed due to complications over the years. I have also read countless bloggers who have had their bands removed due to serious issues too. I do sometimes think about having my band removed because I don’t use it anyway and I would hate to encounter those health problems, but I haven’t been brave enough to willingly go under the knife yet (or wanted to pay for it).

I have complained a lot over the years about how the lapband didn’t work the way I had hoped it would for me. What I do think it did was give me the confidence in myself to lose the weight. I don’t think I really believed that I could do it before I had the lapband.

I found this post on my old blog that I wrote just before I had the lapband about all the things I won’t miss after losing weight. It’s hard to read it and remember that person who was so miserable and scared of everything. I do not subscribe to the opinion that you need to lose weight to be happy. Losing weight did change my life for the better, but that was because of my own personal demons with weight, my body and confidence.

And finally…

Do you regret having lapband surgery? No.

Would you recommend lapband surgery? No.

You can read all about my experience with the lapband here at my old blog if you are interested.

Funemployed

I’ve been unemployed for about 5 weeks now and I can’t even pretend to wish I was working. I bloody love not working! This is the life of leisure that I was always supposed to lead.

I haven’t been bored once. If anything, I find there is not normally enough time to do all the things I had hoped to achieve (mostly because I sleep too late or watch too much TV).

This is a typical day for me right now…

7.30: Alarm goes off, go back to sleep
8.30: Actually wake up for real
8.30 – 9.30: Lie in bed and play on my phone and procastinate going to the gym
9.30 – 10.30: Go to the gym in my apartment building
10.30 – 11.30: Housework
11.30 – 12.00: Shower and get dressed
12.00 – 1.00: Look for work
1.00 – 1.30: Make and eat lunch
1.30 – 4.00: Job applications, surf internet, watch TV
4.00 – 5.00: Go for a walk and listen to podcasts
5.00 – 7.00: Buy groceries and cook dinner
7.00 – 8.00: Eat dinner and clean up the kitchen
8.00 – 11.00: Watch TV
11.00 – 12.00: Read in bed

(Other activities include shopping, lunching with friends, reading blogs all day and thinking about food)

Honestly, this is the best life. If only I could afford to live like this forever. Maybe I’ll start getting bored, but I doubt it… not while the internet and Netflix exist.

It’s not all sunshine and lollipops though. I probably have about another week or two before I start panicking about finding a job. Then I’ll just have to drop my standards and start applying for anything. Until then, I am trying to enjoy this precious break while I have it.

Weight Update

I’ve been pretty clear that I don’t get along well with the scales. I don’t make it a habit to weigh myself, but I also don’t want to become scared of the scales or completely delusional about my weight because then I get out of control.

So last week I tried to ever so casually step on the scales and check in to see how they were tracking.

The results

Previous weight: 5th February, 86.1 kilos (189.4 lbs)
Current weight: 4th May, 82.3 kilos (181 lbs)
Loss: 3.8 kilos (8.4 lbs)

I was really happy with this result!

I know that losing 3.8 kilos in 3 months is not much, in fact it’s only 0.29 of a kilo per week. Wow, talk about taking my sweet time. If I had been weighing myself every week I would have gone completely insane to see the numbers moving that slowly, so it reassures me that not weighing myself was the right decision.

So why so slow? Well my weight loss has always been pretty slow. I have PCOS and insulin resistance, which means my body just does not like to shed the bloody weight.

I have also enjoyed my life to the full, which for me means dinners out, drinks with friends, family meals, weekends away and day trips with plenty of good food and wine. I do try and moderate these indulgences to once a week, but sometimes life doesn’t work out like that and I am learning to be OK with it.

The other reason my weight loss has been pretty slow is that I have reintroduced carbohydrates into my diet. For years I have been trying to stay low carb (with varying levels of success) and it does seem to work best for me and my weight loss. But, I just can’t live like that anymore. I am sick of being hungry and unsatisfied and just bloody tired from having no fuel in my tank.

I have changed my approach to monitor sugar rather than carbohydrates. My diet now includes, legumes, brown rice, quinoa, freekeh and wholegrain bread. I do still limit the amount I eat and will try to only have one serve per day while my body adjusts to the change. I knew this would impact my weight loss but it was worth it to me to feel healthier long term.

So what is next? I want to keep losing weight and I would love to get to between 75-78 kilos (165 – 171.5 lbs) by the end of this year. I don’t want to worry about that too much right now though, I just want to focus on choosing the right behavious: balanced eating, exercise and not hating myself.

This is me taken this morning in the gym in my apartment building. It’s a horrible photo, but it gives you an idea of where I am at this weight.

Time Out

I’ve read enough chick lit books to know that when you lose your job, you are supposed to move to a new city, take the time to ‘find yourself’ and then you will magically lose a stack of weight, land your dream job and meet the perfect guy. Normally this is facilitated by an inheritance from an aunt that you have tucked away for a rainy day.

Unfortunately my life is not a chick lit book. I don’t really have the luxury of taking the time to ‘find myself’… I really just need to find a bloody job! Not a dream job, just a job would be nice.

I really can’t complain too much about being unemployed. I have been filling my days very nicely with gym work outs, long walks and podcasts, cooking, housework, coffees with friends, online study and a bit of TV. I could probably spend all day just surfing the net and not get bored. I am easily amused.

I am doing all the things I used to do when I worked, but I have the time to do it slowly and purposefully. The simple act of making a cup of tea and drinking it is enjoyable when I don’t have a million things to do. Even going to the gym and doing the housework is quite nice when I can take my time and not feel rushed.

Being unemployed is really suiting me. I do have bouts of panic about money or frustration that I was made redundant, but time away from the workforce has given me some perspective. I am starting to feel like my old self again.

I haven’t exactly been able to ‘find myself’ just yet, but I am learning what I don’t want in my life anymore and sometimes that is the first step.