Why I Decided to have a Baby

I’ve been blogging for a long time now, over 10 years on and off. So if you have been reading for a while, you might have heard me say that I wasn’t planning to have kids. I have never felt a strong maternal urge to have kids. I didn’t ever grow up assuming that I would have my own family. It was just never that important to me. Like marriage I suppose, I didn’t need it to be happy.

As the years passed and I turned 30, nothing changed. My biological clock didn’t start ticking. I had a great life without kids and I didn’t think I needed to change anything. AJ and I have a blast together and I was surrounded by good friends and family. Plus, I was working on finding a good place in my career, managing my weight issues and enjoying a new-found love for travel and experiencing life.

I think that another factor in my lack of biological clock was that I always had a reverse mother -daughter role with my mum. My entire life she was severely sick with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. I cared for her and was the only one who she would listen to, who could get her to take her meds, who she would let visit her in the psych ward. I think I was the only person who didn’t judge her and gave her unconditional love. Like a mother would I guess. So I didn’t ever feel like I needed to be a mother.

Then, after my mum passed away, I decided that I could never ever have kids without my mum. It was non-negotiable. All my mum wanted was to be a grandmother and I hated the thought of having kids and her not being here. I still hate it. Then as the fog of grief cleared slightly I felt such a big loss in my life. I had such a massive hole which used to be filled with family.

You see, after mum passed away,Β my older brother became estranged from our family and my younger brother and his wife movedΒ 900 kms away. My dad had always lived far away and had remarried after divorcing my mum years away. I have only ever had sporadic contact with my extended family every few years. Suddenly I felt like I had no family. I didn’t realise how much I needed my family until they were gone. That is where the urge to have my own family started.

I don’t want this to sound like I decided to have a baby because I was lonely. It was much more than that. It was about creating a family for me and AJ. I wanted to have those happy family memories of my own, Christmases, family dinners, laughter and tears. I wanted to love and care for and be part of a family again.

I didn’t need to convince AJ. While he was happy with our life the way it was, I knew he would be up for the adventure of having kids. Plus, I always knew he would be the most amazing and supportive father in the world and it was almost a waste for someone like him not to be a father!

I was still petrified about whether I was making the right decision. Was I letting grief and fear and loneliness guide my decisions? How was I going to do this without my mum? Was I going to be tired and stressed and broke for the rest of my life now? How could I cope with changing nappies, snotty noses and the chaos and mess that comes with kids? I don’t know the answer to any of those questions, but I am happy that I have this baby in my tummy and that in 5 months we’ll get to be his/her parents.

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6 thoughts on “Why I Decided to have a Baby

  1. You will be fine…an awesome Mum in fact. All the maternal instincts are there already and when your bub is born be prepared for a love that you have never felt before when they place him/her in your arms.

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  2. You are going to be a wonderful mother. It is scary, not knowing anything but it’ll all fall into place. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, as I’m sure it can be very overwhelming.

    Your mother will be looking down on you, AJ and bubba as one hell of a proud grandmother. She will always be with you.

    It’s a shame you don’t have family around to love and support you. You have AJ and his family and that’s what matters…plus you have us!

    xoxo

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  3. You & AJ will find the way to deal with downs (snot, spew, poo, lack of sleep etc) together; I think the heart bursting joy that bringing this new life into your world will far surpass the hard stuff. You will be the kindest most loving mum there ever could be. X

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  4. First of all congratulations on your pregnancy. I was never quite sure if I wanted children myself and put it off for a long time. I got sick and had to have lots of tests, which made me re-evaluate what I wanted out of life. I wanted to have a family of my own and it’s the best decision I ever made. Enjoy this special time xx

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  5. Something different for you to think about… I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog award! Check out my latest post as it has all the details, but it would be fun if you joined in too. πŸ™‚

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  6. Congratulations! I haven’t checked in on your blog for a while evidently – I have followed you for a long time – lost and found a couple of times – and I am just thrilled for you and AJ. I’m sure you will be a wonderful mother. x

    Liked by 1 person

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