17 Months + Christmas

Well Augie is not far off 18 months so I’m running behind on this update.

We’ve had a crazy month with Christmas and lots of family and travel and lack of routine. It was a lot of fun but I’m glad to be back to normal now. Augie does better with routine and so do I!

Augie is happy Christmas is over because he is so shy and having so many people in his face over the Christmas period was tough on him. Poor guy spent the entire time with his face in my armpit. He’s starting to worry me slightly with his shyness. He never participates in the activities I take him to or even looks like he’s enjoying himself. I just don’t want him to miss out on the fun. I mentioned it to someone at work and they said it makes sense because I’m so shy, which I thought I hid well, but obviously not.

As usual, August has blown me away with what he understands and what he’s capable of now. He actually does what I ask him to do, like “can you pass this book to dad” and he does or “do you want to go to the park?” and he goes and stands by the garage door (shouting “car”). The funny thing is, my niece visited for four days over Christmas (she is nine months older than him) the difference was insane! Augie seemed like a little baby in comparison to her level of capability, comprehension and language skills. So I guess he’s still more baby than toddler.

Funny things August does lately…

  • Stands on the couch and says “sit” and then sits down and laughs hysterically. But “sit” sounds a lot more like “shit”.
  • When we get near our house in the car he shouts “hurrah” when we get to the same place because he’s happy to be home.
  • When he sees my phone he shouts “shark” because we sometimes put Baby Shark on for him and he bloody loves it. In fact, if he gets hold of my phone he knows how to push the kids YouTube app and then push the shark video to play it. WTF. I don’t let him go bear my phone if possible!
  • Just loves the swing at the park. I try to find quiet parks so he can have the swing for 20 minutes and not hog it from other kids.
  • Brushes my hair for me when I’m putting him to bed and brushing his hair.
  • Loves to give his Poppy and Nanny kisses on FaceTime.
  • Just obsessed with his books. We read books all day and now he knows what’s going to happen when we’re reading and gets excited and says his favourite words. Hearing him say “koala” is very cute.
  • Tantrums are a thing now. If I don’t let him close the car door or turn the light switch off or climb up the stairs himself he has a little meltdown. I feel like this is only going to get worse too… I’m bracing myself.
  • Puts his dirty nappy in the nappy bin for me (and says “yuck”).

I really enjoyed having two weeks off work over Christmas. I get a great sense of pride in working (and obviously the money is handy to say the least), but I really needed that break. Having that two hours to myself while he slept every day was heaven. I often sat in the beanbag outside with a beer and read my book. Bliss.

With my niece and sister in law

The greatest part was not having to leave Augie for a full day every week. He’s always really clingy to his dad after I work because I disappear for 24 hours and I guess he’s confused. It seemed to bring us much closer together when I wasn’t leaving him.

Getting this child to go to sleep is still a mystery to me. Honestly, I spend way too much time agonising over this issue. He just fights sleep at bedtime and will be up until 10.00 pm. A week ago we started waking him at 7.00 am (he’d normally sleep much later) and only letting him sleep 2 hours for his nap (he’d easily sleep 3 or more if I let him). This is in the hope he’ll go to bed at a reasonable time.

We’ve had moderate success. He’s going to bed earlier, but it’s still a massive battle. In fact, it got so hard this week I took him to the doctor because I worried he had an ear infection or something for him to be so upset (he doesn’t). It was so insane and completely out of character. He is hysterical if I try to hold him in any nursing position. It does look like he’s getting his eye teeth right now and I’ve read about an 18 month sleep regression so I can only think it’s one or both of these issues. Or he’s just having a tough time. Poor little guy, it just breaks my heart to see him upset.

Oh, and I don’t want to harp on about this because I’m very anti-diet culture and hating on yourself (I’ve done enough of that on this blog). I well over-did it with food and wine at Christmas (actually, it was all of December). I don’t feel good and I don’t know why I ate so much. None of my clothes fit me now and it’s frustrating. I’m happy to be eating better and I hope to feel better soon.

It’s great timing to be reading my lovely friend, Ailsa’s, new book Perfectly Imperfect. I met Ailsa through blogging as we had similar experiences and we’ve become great friends. When I first read her blog I was more interested in her thoughts on weight loss surgery and body image. Now that I’m a mum, I have a whole new appreciation for how she navigated motherhood, especially with a husband who was a FIFO worker. She’s an amazing inspiration and her book is just hitting the spot right now. 🙌
Perfectly Imperfect: Raw reflections on body image, mothering, love and loneliness (that you don’t usually share)

Weight Update

I don’t weigh myself much anymore, which is something I have gone on and on about in the past. However, I do like to check in every few months or so and see how I am tracking, because I am actually trying to lose weight (though it often might not seem like it).

My clothes have been fitting me well lately so I thought it was time to check in on my numbers and see if I had lost much weight. One problem with not weighing yourself very often is that you just have no idea what to expect. I have a bad habit of letting my imagination run wild, but even I was pleasantly surprised to see 77.6 kilos (170.7 lbs).

2016 Weigh Ins
5 February: 86.1 (189.4 lbs)
4 May: 82.3 (181 lbs)
3 August: 77.6 (170.7 lbs)

So far this year I have lost 8.5 kilos (18.7 lbs). I am stoked with my results! But obviously the weight is not exactly falling off me. My nifty little scales app tells me that I have averaged a loss of 0.33 kilos per week (0.7 lbs). The old me would have been so, so, so frustrated by those results.

Not weighing myself much has given me the freedom to stop relying on the numbers as motivation to lose weight. Instead I can focus on my goals to be healthier, fitter and feel better in my skin (oh and to look hot in clothes too of course).

Here is a horrible photo I took of myself the morning of my weigh in. Unfortunately I was wearing a baggy sweater dress and my outfit was blending into the rug, so it’s a bit hard to get a proper idea of where I am at size wise. Also, this was taken before work so that’s why I look miserable.


I Can’t Wait…

When I was recently reflecting on 7 years with the lapband, I found this post from my old blog talking about all the things I can’t wait to do when I lose weight.

Wow I had really forgotten how much I hated myself and just how scared of life I used to be at 130 kilos. I thought that I still had a lot of issues now (and I probably do), but I can really see just how far I have come in the past 7 years.

Reading through this list I felt so sad for the old me, but also grateful for the life I have now.

Strap yourself in, it’s a long one.

Here is what from 2009 couldn’t wait to do when I lost weight:

~ Shop, shop and shop some more
Shopping is definitely easier, but it’s still not something I enjoy much. Those change rooms are still tortuous. Is shopping fun for anyone?
~ Give myself a pedicure without damaging my internal organs when I bend over
LOL! Yes, I guess I can do this now, but I’d rather pay someone else to have to deal with my manky feet!
~ Have awesome, long, crazy sex in all sorts of positions
Ummm… this is a bit TMI! Obviously I thought I was going to become Samantha from SITC when I lost weight… Well let’s just say that I am still a bit lazy in the sack.
~ Wear jeans without an elastic waist
Yes! Just last Thursday night I stopped by the shops to get some new jeans from Just Jeans in a size 14 and they weren’t even stretchy. That is a big achievement for me!
~ Run into old friends without wanting to hide
Oh God no, I still hate running into old friends, but that is mostly due to my anti-social nature.
~ Go on hikes with my family
I did do a bit of this, especially while travelling in Canada in 2010. In fact next weekend I am going on a walk with my (ex) sister-in-law. Anytime I am in a situation when I am walking or hiking with friends I always feel grateful that I can do it now because I remember how hard it used to be and how much it scared me.
~ Fit into everything in ‘normal’ shops
Nope. Not even close. I can fit into skirts and and pants normally, but not dresses or tops because I am still quite big across the top. I do get lucky sometimes and can fit into an oversize top or dress. It’s still sooooo much easier than it was before.
~ Zip up killer knee high boots
I have done this, but they are normally still stretchy boots, my calves are still a little chunky.
~ Sit on any seat without fear of it breaking
I don’t think I will EVER lose the fear of breaking seats. I have PTSD when it comes to flimsy seats.  Just the other day I tried to make AJ swap seats with me at a restaurant because I thought mine would break, but I forgot that I actually weigh less than him now, so I had to take the dodgy seat.
~ Eat in public without getting those looks
I forgot about those looks! I haven’t stressed about being shamed for eating in public in a long time. Unfortunately I am still very likely to spill food on myself when eating in public. I’m still a grub.
~ Go to the hairdressers and be able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
Oh this makes me sad for past me. I remember how hard I found it to look at myself in the mirror at the hairdressers. How much I hated myself. I still curse myself for going to the salon and not wearing makeup or my double chin caused by those unflattering capes, but it doesn’t upset me.
~ Shop in designer stores
No, can’t do that, but that’s OK.
~ Fit comfortably on a massage table
Yes, I love getting massages now. I remember how much I hated my first massage when I was at my biggest. It was physically painful to be on the massage table and I hated every second of it.
~ Wear stupidly high stilettos
Ha ha… no I still can’t manage high heels. Probably never going to happen because I have foot issues from plantar faciitis and I am not coordinated.
~ Have a summer where I don’t get so hot and sweaty
I actually love summer now and rarely feel overly hot and sweaty. If anything, I tend to be too cold most of the time and will even wear tights and coats through summer. What a difference.
~ Ride a bike
I am shit scared of riding bikes in the city! I have ridden a bike when I went to Lombok a couple of years ago and it felt amazing to ride around the island and to the beach on a bike. If I lived in a smaller town I would definitely buy a bike.
~ Have beauty treatments without feeling fat and disgusting
I thoroughly enjoy having beauty treatments now. I would do it every day if I could afford it.
~ Stop defining myself by my weight
Well that is something I still strive to do every single day. I am getting better, but I am still a long way from being successful.
~ Wear sexy (and incredibly uncomfortable) lingerie
No, I simply can’t be fucked…
~ Have a flat stomach
Thanks to my body lift surgery I have a pretty flat stomach (but lumpy back)
~ Be fit enough to participate in a team sport or a gym class
I haven’t really done this because I am not really a sporty kind of person. I am not motivated by team sports or gym classes, but I could probably keep up enough so that I didn’t make a complete fool of myself. I have semi-regularly attended yoga and Pilates classes over the years without too much embarrassment.
~ Use public toilets comfortably
Oh yeah, I forgot how difficult those small cubicals could be to navigate. Especially when they wedge in a huge sanitary napkin bin right next to the seat. Now my only issues with public toilets are that I am a germophobe. I still can’t really hover either, I do not have the strength… I should do more squats!
~ Be able to walk anywhere without getting tired
Yes I can most of the time (except for issues with my plantar faciitis). I am so grateful for having better physical fitness and stamina.
~ Have more confidence in myself and my appearance
An hour ago I would have said no, but after reading this list I have realised how much my confidence has actually improved. So this is a yes!
~ Sit on someones lap
I regularly annoy AJ by sitting on his lap and tickling him or interrupting his iPad games.
~ Dance in clubs without looking ridiculous
Noooooo, I still look ridiculous!!!!!!!!! I probably look more ridiculous because I will attempt to drop it like it’s hot or be all sexy and I cannot pull it off.
~ Get up off the floor without using my hands
I can do this, but will normally use my hands because it’s easier.
~ Have the energy to do anything I want on holidays
I do have the energy to do anything on holidays now, but I very often choose to relax and do as little as possible. Since losing weight I have had some amazing adventures on holidays that involve hiking, helicopters, beaches, canoes, bikes, dancing, boats and all the things I didn’t think I could do before.
~ Not worry about dying from obesity related diseases
I don’t worry about this anymore.
~ Get on a plane and be able to do up the seat belt and pull down the dinner tray
Yes, it is such an amazing moment when you can do this for the first time after being overweight for so long. What a feeling.
~ Go to Disney World and ride any ride I want to
I did this on a trip to the USA in 2010 and I had an amazing time. I think I was the happiest person at Disney World that day!
~ Stop blaming my problems on my weight
I don’t think I do this anymore??? I do still eat my feelings, but that is a seperate issue.
~ Wear a bathing suit with confidence
Was I thinking that I would be a swimsuit model when I lost weight? No I don’t think I feel confident, but I am much better than I used to be. Just last weekend I went to the Mornington Peninsula hot springs and walked around in my bathers just fine.
~ Get a bit of male attention when I go out
This doesn’t happen too much, but that’s OK, I probably wouldn’t know what to do with it!
~ Wear shorts without them bunching between my fat thighs when I walk
Ha ha, this still happens! I don’t really wear shorts very often for that reason.
~ Go to job interviews without worrying about my weight
Well I just went through this after being made redundant and I have to say that I didn’t feel like my weight was a factor in any of the job interviews I had.
~ Get out of the shower and wrap a towel around me
I think I could do this, but I normally just dry myself and get dressed, I don’t really prance around in just a towel.
~ Go to the beach with friends
I am sure I have done this, but I am not really a beach person, I prefer to swim in pools. Or just sit by the pool with a cocktail.
~ Be able to see my vagina again
Oh wow, I forgot how honest I can be. Thanks to that body lift surgery my vagina is back in full view!
~ Feel normal
Well normal is a very loaded word. I am going to say that I do feel normal enough, especially in comparison to how I used to feel.
~ Go to the gym without feeling like an imposter
Yes, but I still hate exercising in the gym (because I am lazy).
~ Have someone be able to lift me up
AJ does often pick me, but I am not exactly a lightweight, he can only pick me up a few feet off the ground.
~ Go to any event and not worry about how I look and what I’ll wear
I will never stop being neurotic about how I look and what I wear at events. Even if I was a size 8 I would still stress about how I look. I am about 90% better than I used to be though.
~ Be able to do up my bra from the back
I haven’t actually tried, maybe I will try tomorrow morning. Does it even matter?
~ Go to the footy and feel comfortable in my seat and going through the turnstile
Yep, I have done this many, many times. I never take it for granted though.
~ Feel young, pretty and carefree
Wow, that is a strange thing to say. I can’t say that I have ever felt that way, but maybe I was expecting too much from weight loss?
~ Be able to wear the robes at fancy hotels
I love doing this now.
~ Run when I want or need to
I frequently run for the tram, but that’s about it!
~ Have girly days with my girlfriends and feel comfortable
I often have girly days at spas, wineries or the races and don’t feel like my weight is an issue (though I don’t think my friends ever felt like my weight was an issue, that was just me)
~ Have a defined waist, hips and chest
Not as much as I had hoped, but a huge improvement on what I used to be when I was 50 kilos heavier. Spanx helps!
~ Wear skirts in summer without chaffing
Generally this is OK, but I still have the occasional chaffing incident. Ouch.
~ Meet new people without wondering if they will hate me because I am fat
Yes and no. I have mixed success on this, I still often think I am not attractive enough to be liked or accepted by people.
~ Not be scared of new things
I am much better at this, but my nature is still that of a scaredy cat.
~ Not feel limited by anyone or anything because of my size
I don’t think I do let my weight hold me back from too much these days. I still have my issues with food and self confidence, but I am doing OK.

This is a photo of me taken today at the build site of our new townhouse (about to fall off that plank of wood into the mud). I don’t know exactly what I weigh, but I am feeling better in my skin.


Weight Update

I’ve been pretty clear that I don’t get along well with the scales. I don’t make it a habit to weigh myself, but I also don’t want to become scared of the scales or completely delusional about my weight because then I get out of control.

So last week I tried to ever so casually step on the scales and check in to see how they were tracking.

The results

Previous weight: 5th February, 86.1 kilos (189.4 lbs)
Current weight: 4th May, 82.3 kilos (181 lbs)
Loss: 3.8 kilos (8.4 lbs)

I was really happy with this result!

I know that losing 3.8 kilos in 3 months is not much, in fact it’s only 0.29 of a kilo per week. Wow, talk about taking my sweet time. If I had been weighing myself every week I would have gone completely insane to see the numbers moving that slowly, so it reassures me that not weighing myself was the right decision.

So why so slow? Well my weight loss has always been pretty slow. I have PCOS and insulin resistance, which means my body just does not like to shed the bloody weight.

I have also enjoyed my life to the full, which for me means dinners out, drinks with friends, family meals, weekends away and day trips with plenty of good food and wine. I do try and moderate these indulgences to once a week, but sometimes life doesn’t work out like that and I am learning to be OK with it.

The other reason my weight loss has been pretty slow is that I have reintroduced carbohydrates into my diet. For years I have been trying to stay low carb (with varying levels of success) and it does seem to work best for me and my weight loss. But, I just can’t live like that anymore. I am sick of being hungry and unsatisfied and just bloody tired from having no fuel in my tank.

I have changed my approach to monitor sugar rather than carbohydrates. My diet now includes, legumes, brown rice, quinoa, freekeh and wholegrain bread. I do still limit the amount I eat and will try to only have one serve per day while my body adjusts to the change. I knew this would impact my weight loss but it was worth it to me to feel healthier long term.

So what is next? I want to keep losing weight and I would love to get to between 75-78 kilos (165 – 171.5 lbs) by the end of this year. I don’t want to worry about that too much right now though, I just want to focus on choosing the right behavious: balanced eating, exercise and not hating myself.

This is me taken this morning in the gym in my apartment building. It’s a horrible photo, but it gives you an idea of where I am at this weight.


The Bloody Scales


After being unexpectedly weighed by my plastic surgeon last week I decided I had to break my self-imposed scale ban and see what I weighed on my own scales. I figured I would have the home ground advantage with my own scales. When my surgeon weighed me I had drunk a glass of water and was wearing my underwear, which was obviously adding at least 5 kilos!

So I weighed myself last Friday morning and the result was 86.1 kilos (189.4 lbs) which was 2.4 kilos less than he weighed me. Phew. That number is much closer to where I thought my weight was currently sitting.

The ridiculous thing is that the number on the scale changes nothing. I am the same person I was before I knew how much I weighed. I should look and feel exactly the same regardless of whether I know or don’t know how much I weigh, right?

But, it doesn’t work like that for me because after knowing my weight I started feeling fatter. I stared at myself in the mirror at home and my brain was thinking “Oh yeah, you are really quite fat, look at your chubby face and how wide you are. Oh and those arms are like planks of wood, keep those covered up.”

It’s the Schrödinger’s cat of the scales. When I didn’t know how much I weighed I could be simultaneously thin or fat in my head. Once I knew the number, I was just fat.

Clearly weighing myself is not healthy for me. I am trying to feel good about my body regardless of its weight and size­­. So, I won’t make a habit of weighing myself in the future, but I will step on the scales occasionally to measure my progress, if I feel like it.


Not Just a Dress

I did something completely crazy and out of character for me last week. I bought a dress in a size that actually fits me right now. Not a dress that will fit me when I lose weight. It actually fits me today. See, crazy!

Even more unbelievable is that it is a dress to wear to a wedding in 2 months. The old me would have pledged to lose 5 kilos before this wedding and buy a dress in a size too small as ‘motivation’. Then on the night before the wedding I would be hyperventilating in a change room and hating myself for being so fat and undisciplined and spend way too much money on a dress I could barely tolerate. Oh the memories…

So this is the dress. It is a bit glitzy, but the wedding is on a Friday night, so hopefully I can get away with it. I just need to add a spray tan, some red lippy and strappy heels and I am good to go.


I actually ordered 5 dresses from ASOS, all in size 18, and only 2 fit me (the others were way too small god damn it). I was restricted for choice because I had to buy something that was loose around my back, as I have some major lumps and bumps that stand out after my body lift surgery a few years ago. I am also pretty self conscious of my arms so I wanted a sleeve of some sort. And, lastly, I wanted to actually like it and feel like it reflected my style a little bit. I think I succeeded.

So here is to a year of loving myself enough to only buy clothes that actually fit me. I am sure my wardrobe will thank me.


Weighing In

weighing myself

I managed to stop weighing myself a couple of years ago. At first it was easy because I was gaining weight and very happily avoiding the scale and any concept of reality. When I was ready to work on losing weight again I had to fight the nagging voice in my head telling me to get on the scale. I do actually find weighing myself helps motivate me to lose weight, but not in a healthy way, only because I want to starve myself to see good results on the scale. Then comes the crushing disappointment when the results are not what I had hoped. Nothing can ruin a day better than an unexpectedly bad weigh in.

Even though I didn’t want to weigh myself, I did still want to get an indication of how my weight loss was tracking. So I asked my doctor to weigh me and not tell me the number and I would just get her to weigh me every few months. That was great until she forgot and accidentally told me the big bad number. This was May last year and I was back up to 106 kilos (233 lbs) and it was a crushing blow. How I felt when I heard that number reminded me of why I didn’t want to weigh myself. I don’t need to define how I feel about myself by a number on a scale. Never again.

After that I did go on to lose about 25 kilos (55 lbs) by the end of last year. I think it was around December when I last got weighed by my doctor and was 82 kilos (180 lbs). I haven’t seen any numbers on the scale since then, but my weight has continued to fluctuate up and down by quite a lot. I have re-gained and lost the same 10 kilos a couple of times this year already… It’s safe to say that I haven’t got my emotional eating under control!

I am now getting better at tracking how my weight is going by my clothes and just how I feel in my body. If I was hazard a guess at what I weigh right now, I would say about 85 kilos (187 lbs)… or maybe a few kilos more. I’m not terribly comfortable at this weight and I definitely want to lose about 10 kilos to feel better about myself. Right now my only goal is to fit back into the dress in the picture below by Christmas (I’m the brunette on the right). I wore it to a wedding in March this year, so if I can successfully get it to fit me by the end of this year again I will be happy.

nick's wedding