54

Dear mum,

It’s the 24th August and today you would be turning 54. I think you would be happy to be turning another year older and having had another year with your family. You lived for your kids and you would use your birthday as an excuse to cook us all a roast beef with yorkshire pudding and gravy. I would try and make you your favourite sponge cake and you would tell me it was amazing, even though we both knew it was pretty average.

You didn’t care about getting birthday presents and always told me not to waste my money on you. So on your birthday this year I wish I could tell you just how very much I miss you every single day. I know you always thought I was so independent and that I didn’t need you. I thought that too. Oh god, I have never been so wrong about anything in my whole life.

I wish I could tell you that I need my mum.

I need my mum to care about my boring work problems, to text me to remind me when my favourite shows are on, to let me know when Target has a sale on and to make sure I go to the doctors when I am sick. I need my mum to sew the buttons that come off my tops, make me soup when I am tired and text me to check that every flight I am on lands safely. I need my mum to buy my favourite foods for when I visit, send me flowers to make my day and to turn my electric blanket on so it’s warm when I go to bed.

This is a photo of you on your last birthday here with us in 2013. You had just finished chemotherapy and radiotherapy and I was so proud of you. Going through those treatments with the added complication of bipolar disorder was too much for anyone to have to take, but you did it because you wanted the best chance to live and be with your kids. Thank you for trying.

mum birthday

Love ya mum.

xxoo

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10 thoughts on “54

  1. Look how beautiful she was in that picture, even as sick as she was and with no hair. What a beautiful woman, and a wonderful mother. I love reading about all the sweet things she did for you. My mom was like that, too. Just kind and thoughtful. She used to put my boots on the radiator in winter so they would be warm when I put them on to walk to school. I love these memories, thanks so much for sharing yours.

    Betsey in Chicago

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  2. It’s horribly hard. It’s taken me years to move to a point where I even accept that this happened to our family.

    It sounds ridiculous to say “it gets better” but for most people, time eventually ebbs and wears on the edge of the wound and it becomes easier to live with. I hope that you get there one day xx

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  3. What a wonderful daughter you are and how lucky you were to have this woman for a mom. That you miss her so deeply tells it all…the pure love that was between you two. I’m sorry that you did not have more time together on this earth.

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  4. I feel for you – my Dad passed away at 54 and that was 19 years ago. It does get easier but the anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas times are always the hardest.

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  5. Pingback: 55 | you would be pretty if...

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