It’s the 24th August and today you would be turning 54. I think you would be happy to be turning another year older and having had another year with your family. You lived for your kids and you would use your birthday as an excuse to cook us all a roast beef with yorkshire pudding and gravy. I would try and make you your favourite sponge cake and you would tell me it was amazing, even though we both knew it was pretty average.
You didn’t care about getting birthday presents and always told me not to waste my money on you. So on your birthday this year I wish I could tell you just how very much I miss you every single day. I know you always thought I was so independent and that I didn’t need you. I thought that too. Oh god, I have never been so wrong about anything in my whole life.
I wish I could tell you that I need my mum.
I need my mum to care about my boring work problems, to text me to remind me when my favourite shows are on, to let me know when Target has a sale on and to make sure I go to the doctors when I am sick. I need my mum to sew the buttons that come off my tops, make me soup when I am tired and text me to check that every flight I am on lands safely. I need my mum to buy my favourite foods for when I visit, send me flowers to make my day and to turn my electric blanket on so it’s warm when I go to bed.
This is a photo of you on your last birthday here with us in 2013. You had just finished chemotherapy and radiotherapy and I was so proud of you. Going through those treatments with the added complication of bipolar disorder was too much for anyone to have to take, but you did it because you wanted the best chance to live and be with your kids. Thank you for trying.
Love ya mum.