Being OK with Myself

body positive

I was losing the battle with binge eating at the start of this month. I was eating completely out of control and I was starting to panic that I was on my way down a dangerous path that would find me back at 130 kilos (286 lbs). I could see it happening, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It’s a horrible feeling.

Do you know what really helped me start to turn things around? I realised that I need to stop hating my body. It turns out that the more I hated myself, the more I wanted to punish myself with food.

A few weeks ago I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time and told myself that I am OK as I am now. I do still want to lose weight, but I am OK now too. This isn’t the first time I have tried this, but something sunk in this time.

I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to drop a lot of weight before going on an upcoming holiday and part of the chat I had with myself in the mirror was about this holiday. I told myself that it didn’t matter if I was 5 kilos heavier or 5 kilos lighter on holidays. I am OK as I am now and I deserve to have a fun holiday no matter what size I am.

I’m not a good example of body positivity by any means… I still grab my rolls of fat and screw up my face in the mirror and I still get frustrated that I can’t fit into cute clothes, but I am working at it.

The Binge Cycle

Louis ck meme

I had a really bad weekend of eating. I don’t mean that I overindulged a little bit too much… I mean that I ate myself into a pit of misery and self hatred. I can see now that I was putting too much pressure on myself to lose weight and have been teetering on the edge of a major binge for weeks.

I was obsessing over food, feeling grumpy and deprived and my body physically felt tired from the lack of food energy it was receiving. I spent way too much time thinking about how I could ‘survive’ our office drinks and paella party on Friday night. About an hour before the party I caved in and decided to just relax and enjoy the delicious food and wine. Well, that decision sent me directly to the cookie jar where I tried to secretly shove biscuits into my mouth without my colleagues seeing me.

Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop for the entire weekend… By Sunday night I felt completely out of control and I knew that I needed to make some changes.

I realised it isn’t so much about changing the way I eat, it is more about changing the way I view myself. If I can be more accepting of my body and the way I look I won’t feel quite so desperate to OMG.MUST.LOSE.WEIGHT.RIGHT.NOW!!! If I hate myself less, I will treat my body better. Hopefully.

This doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to lose weight. It just means that I am trying to be OK with myself as I am now and understand that if I make consistent healthy choices I will eventually get to where I want to be. It’s hard to accept that weight loss will be slow, but I am determined to break this binge/starve cycle I have been in for 30 years.

I think taking that pressure off myself has helped because I already feel a little calmer about my food choices this week.