I was losing the battle with binge eating at the start of this month. I was eating completely out of control and I was starting to panic that I was on my way down a dangerous path that would find me back at 130 kilos (286 lbs). I could see it happening, but I couldn’t do anything to stop it. It’s a horrible feeling.
Do you know what really helped me start to turn things around? I realised that I need to stop hating my body. It turns out that the more I hated myself, the more I wanted to punish myself with food.
A few weeks ago I stared at myself in the mirror for a long time and told myself that I am OK as I am now. I do still want to lose weight, but I am OK now too. This isn’t the first time I have tried this, but something sunk in this time.
I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to drop a lot of weight before going on an upcoming holiday and part of the chat I had with myself in the mirror was about this holiday. I told myself that it didn’t matter if I was 5 kilos heavier or 5 kilos lighter on holidays. I am OK as I am now and I deserve to have a fun holiday no matter what size I am.
I’m not a good example of body positivity by any means… I still grab my rolls of fat and screw up my face in the mirror and I still get frustrated that I can’t fit into cute clothes, but I am working at it.