The Binge Cycle

Louis ck meme

I had a really bad weekend of eating. I don’t mean that I overindulged a little bit too much… I mean that I ate myself into a pit of misery and self hatred. I can see now that I was putting too much pressure on myself to lose weight and have been teetering on the edge of a major binge for weeks.

I was obsessing over food, feeling grumpy and deprived and my body physically felt tired from the lack of food energy it was receiving. I spent way too much time thinking about how I could ‘survive’ our office drinks and paella party on Friday night. About an hour before the party I caved in and decided to just relax and enjoy the delicious food and wine. Well, that decision sent me directly to the cookie jar where I tried to secretly shove biscuits into my mouth without my colleagues seeing me.

Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop for the entire weekend… By Sunday night I felt completely out of control and I knew that I needed to make some changes.

I realised it isn’t so much about changing the way I eat, it is more about changing the way I view myself. If I can be more accepting of my body and the way I look I won’t feel quite so desperate to OMG.MUST.LOSE.WEIGHT.RIGHT.NOW!!! If I hate myself less, I will treat my body better. Hopefully.

This doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to lose weight. It just means that I am trying to be OK with myself as I am now and understand that if I make consistent healthy choices I will eventually get to where I want to be. It’s hard to accept that weight loss will be slow, but I am determined to break this binge/starve cycle I have been in for 30 years.

I think taking that pressure off myself has helped because I already feel a little calmer about my food choices this week.

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3 thoughts on “The Binge Cycle

  1. Hi Tully, I have some personal experience with binging myself and I can relate to your description of how awful it feels. I can also relate to the “all or nothing” thinking that we face when we have a party or other event where we want to eat perfectly and then end up overeating or binging and feeling lousy about ourselves. Somehow in the process of having WLS, I managed to let that feeling of always having to do things correctly go. I decided I wasn’t going to diet and no foods would be off-limits. I track what and how much I eat, but if I go over, it isn’t the end of the world. I even enter my food (I use my fitness pal) when I have a binge or overeat because it isn’t always as bad as I thought it was. Now I very seldom binge and when I do, it is limited to a short period of time (instead of the entire weekend). The next day or the next meal, I get back on track, just like it sounds like you’re doing.

    Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for sharing….this post has really helped me today.
    Since our Paul was diagnosed I have been in a “self destruct” eating pattern. I will be with you helping to break the binge/starve cycle.

    Like

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