I had a really bad weekend of eating. I don’t mean that I overindulged a little bit too much… I mean that I ate myself into a pit of misery and self hatred. I can see now that I was putting too much pressure on myself to lose weight and have been teetering on the edge of a major binge for weeks.
I was obsessing over food, feeling grumpy and deprived and my body physically felt tired from the lack of food energy it was receiving. I spent way too much time thinking about how I could ‘survive’ our office drinks and paella party on Friday night. About an hour before the party I caved in and decided to just relax and enjoy the delicious food and wine. Well, that decision sent me directly to the cookie jar where I tried to secretly shove biscuits into my mouth without my colleagues seeing me.
Once I started eating, I couldn’t stop for the entire weekend… By Sunday night I felt completely out of control and I knew that I needed to make some changes.
I realised it isn’t so much about changing the way I eat, it is more about changing the way I view myself. If I can be more accepting of my body and the way I look I won’t feel quite so desperate to OMG.MUST.LOSE.WEIGHT.RIGHT.NOW!!! If I hate myself less, I will treat my body better. Hopefully.
This doesn’t mean that I have stopped trying to lose weight. It just means that I am trying to be OK with myself as I am now and understand that if I make consistent healthy choices I will eventually get to where I want to be. It’s hard to accept that weight loss will be slow, but I am determined to break this binge/starve cycle I have been in for 30 years.
I think taking that pressure off myself has helped because I already feel a little calmer about my food choices this week.